The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[mellowmom]

Got your attention now...huh?

Well, after a dry spell that makes the Sahara Desert look like an oasis, I finally met a fella, in person, and he didn't run away, and he called the next day just like he said he would, and he baked me sugar free "healthy" oatmeal cookies to take on my trip this week, (which I thanked him for, but later gave to my mom...) and he's 5 years younger than me, an ex-Marine, 6'4" and, who'd a thunk, darn good looking too, and... Now what do I do?

The last time I tried dating was about 13 years ago and my kids were not happy campers...so I put it aside and concentrated on them. My focus totally zeroed in on what they needed to become healthy, successful, and happy individuals. I dropped even the idea of dating. So, at this late stage of my life, I had pretty much given up on having an opportunity to even meet someone, let alone date.

I am soooooooooo out of practice in this dating thing. I've been a widow for 17 years, married for 17, so it's been 34 years since I really dated anyone!!! I'm sure the "rules" have changed...or do they even exist? Any advice...(and keep it clean, kids.)

Not so Mellow...more dazed and confused...mom.

[alpha femme]

#1 - have fun, and remember: it is all about YOU

#2 - there will be plenty of other men who are begging to show you a good time, so don't idealize anyone you meet as you reinvent yourself

#3 - your kids have their own social life, so if you get a similar reaction this time around, roll your eyes and keep doing what makes you happy

ok, here are the big things women can do to keep from making their dates crazy:

- do NOT talk about your ex for at least 3 dates, and then only do so if specifically asked

- do not talk about yourself negatively; if you don't like you, why would anyone else?

- don't be available all the time. people like to work for it. constantly calling comes across as being needy; women with their own lives are very desirable. that soesn't mean play games-- just don't seem like you are waiting by the phone.

- don't be afraid to have an opinion. there's nothing worse than hearing "i don't know, what do you want to do" every time you go out

- don't forget it's about fun! you aren't interviewing for a position with a company or a new husband, so keep it all light and happy

- if you want to score points, on the second date, pick up the check-- at least make a sincere attempt. i may not be a guy, but i can tell you that it sucks to be expected to pay for every date. even if i don't let a girl pay, i love it when they offer.

- compliment him in an intimate, but non-sexual way. it should be really casual, but sincere. example: it's amazing the way your smile lights up your face. find your own cheese and make it work, but women are often so used to getting compliments that they forget to give.

if you don't hear from him after 3 days it IS ok to call-- but only 1 message unless he calls you back.

[Sarya]

wow! dating rules! I might have to take note of this thread myself. hm.

I'd like to date someone I don't actually know yet. That would be a kicker. I'm fairly certain it only ever happened once, and he's my current roommate.

I think I say stupid things to people.
Or turn and run when they hit on me.
Or act like such a dork they change their minds.

Mellowmom, go on out and have a good time! In my inexperienced opinion I would say you should treat it like getting to know a new friend (with the caveats mentioned above). And don't let anyone get too serious too fast! Have your fun.. when it's right it's right.. right?



I should practice what I preach.

[Elke]

I agree with the girls. WOW an ex-Marine....that could be fun

[Prancer]

Been a long time for me too but I would say to you ...just have fun and enjoy yourself.

[Amber]

Go, Carmel!!!

This above all: to thine own self be true

[DntCryLilEmoGrl]

carmel i think you need to change your name from mellowmom to HOTMAMA! (rawr!)

definitely go out, have fun, you deserve it and you are looking so fabulous.

one bit of advice someone gave me a couple years back is dating is about having fun, if you stop having fun its time to move on.

i guess its just how me and my bf are but we are very playful with each other and i love acting silly with him . find what works for you as far as dating goes. and if things dont go anywhere with this one im sure u are going to have guys lining up you hot mama you :P

[JeepGirl]

I honestly have nothing constructive to add to this except === YAY You!!
A Tall- Handsome- Marine Rawwrrrr!
Have fun and enjoy it!!

[kendra_m]

I certainly have no wise words to offer, as a person who's newly single and not even thought about the dating thing yet.... but the advice to have fun seems sound to me! If it's not fun, it's time to move on.

And YEA for you... he sounds hunkalicious!!!!

Kendra

[SharonR]

WooHoo Carmel, good for you! Have fun and we want details on your first date, or will it be the second...hmmm.

[Arklahoma]

WOW ~ Alex, you should write a book.

Carmel ~ You go out and have a great time (and do what Alex said).

[Nova]

Here's my 2 cents. Listen to him. Get him to talk about himself and what he likes. Sometimes we get nervous and end up talking about ourselves all night and forget to listen.

Seconding all the other advice to just be yourself and have fun. And be honest about what you like. Guys can really tell when you're interested in what you're talking about and it makes them take note.

[mellowmom]

Wow thanks for all the great advice, especially to you, Alex. You definitely should write a book.

Since our first "meeting", I've been out of the Bay Area visiting friends in Washington State, so I haven't seen him since, but he has called and/or emailed me daily. He's just such a nice guy, thoughtful, fun to chat with and man he's doing a great job of stroking my ego.

I still feel pretty awkward, being in this situation. I know that I used my weight in the past to distance myself from interacting with the opposite sex in anything other than a platonic way. (No, chance he'd fall for a fat girl..) So now, I'm still a fat girl, just not so, and I swear, men have been flirting with me and it really throws me off. I stammer a lot, look up in the air, my feet, change the subject. I just don't know how to deal with it.

I can honestly say part of me likes the attention, but for the most part I feel really, really uncomfortable. In my mind I think, hey, I'm the same intelligent, hard-working woman I've always been, and guys wouldn't give me the time of day...and now I know I look and feel better, but still have a long way to go, but men are starting to notice anyway and pay me compliments and I get tongue tied and embarassed.

This is a whole other side of weight loss that I think gets whispered about, but not discussed out in the open enough. It really is a challenge, psychologically. I feel it one way, because I've been single for so long, but I'd imagine that even the married among us have had questions on how to handle temptations that are suddenly presented to you, when they weren't even possibilities when we were overweight.

I'm curious, is there anyone else there out there who has experienced this odd rite of passage from formerly fat to phat?

[Sarya]

Oh yes. Friday night in fact. I went out to the store and bought a new super short micro mini skirt which I wore with my huge platform boots and a baby tee. I was uncomfortable at first, but everyone kept telling me it looked good. My roommate, my friend Kelly, my older neighbors when they saw me leave the house ...

Then at the club my male friends were flirting with me hard core. I've seen them do that to my thinner friends, but never to me. And the strangers trying to catch my eye in the club (which I very carefully ignored!).. the women marking their territory. It was very weird for me. My roommate tells me to get used to it.

I think Friday night (ok it was Saturday morning at this point) after the club.. when I looked at myself in the mirror; it was the first time I saw myself as thinner. Like for real out of my own eyes. I think that some of that was due to the responses to my weight loss.

[DogMa]

I did the last time I lost weight, but sadly, not so much this time (although my cousin says it's just that I'm not paying attention).

I can definitely relate, though. The sudden attention was very uncomfortable for me the last time around. Friends telling me I look great? Love it. Guys looking at me on the street and everywhere else? Not so much.

You'll adjust, though, and I'm guessing you'll get more comfortable with it as time goes on. (And try to have fun! Some of us will be living vicariously through you!)