The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[raederle]

I thought about posting this in Roll Call, but honestly, I was so impressed with all the losers this week (like I am every week!) that I just couldn’t bring myself to interject a puff of black cloud to that joyful thread. So I’ll put this here, where maybe it’s most appropriate anyway because this is, I suppose, another step on the maintenance journey.

This time last week I was 124. I was happy. I thought I was winning! Then, this week I did well during the workdays. I stuck to 6 meals a day, having a 150-200 calorie meal every 3 hours, except for lunch and dinner. For lunch I bumped it up to 300 calories. Once I had a cheese-free, mayo-free, veggie-packed 6-inch turkey sub from Subway, with a diet pepsi. It was like winning the lottery. Another day I bought a small soup from Au Bon Pain, after checking all the nutrition info online to make a smart choice (low-fat tomato lentil); I had baby carrots and a 100-calorie, low-fat bag of soy chips for crunch.

For dinners, well, I was good much of the week; one night I made veggie lasagna with low-fat ricotta, egg substitute, low-sugar/low-fat tomato sauce, and grilled (not fried & breaded) veggies. I had a smaller slice than I would have liked to have, but still maybe bigger than I should’ve. Who knows. But I felt fine. Then on Friday we had sushi; Saturday I worked out for an hour and ate light all day, until for late lunch I had bread, butter, oily soup, wine, oily hummus, and salad with cheese and oil-based dressing. “Dinner” then became a huge plate of fried appetizers followed by 2 sugary margaritas.

Sunday, DH’s parents came to town. I hadn’t seen them since I started MF. They never noticed, or at least never mentioned, that I’d lost 20 pounds since I’d seen them. I don’t know if that was the impetus, but I decided to continue punishing myself. For brunch I had sausage, a sandwich, hash browns, a bloody mary… For dinner I figured I might as well make the disaster complete (and by then I’d entered into “I’ll-fix-this-by-dieting-starting-Monday-morning-so-might-as-well-binge-while-I-can” mode). We went to a Mexican place, where I had another margarita, nachos galore, tamales covered in cheese… you get the idea. I scarfed down my huge plate of high-fat, carb-laden food so viciously that DH’s mom timidly offered me some of the quesadilla she couldn’t finish when I finally came up for air. (And yep, I ate that, too.) At home, I was so ashamed that I waited for my DH to go to bed, and I took a big spoon and ate half of what was left of his bucket of ice cream. I ate it in a dark kitchen so no one would know. Isn’t that just ridiculous? I felt like a criminal, but it didn’t stop me.

I’m writing this down not to subject you all to my failure (you guys, who are all doing so well that I don’t want to cast shadows on your awesome achievements!), but to memorialize it for me. So I face what I’ve done. I got on the scale this morning. 133.8. I managed to gain almost 10 full pounds in one week! Maybe some of that is water retention from the salty foods I ate. But knowing that doesn’t make any difference ini how I feel. I completely failed. I worked so hard for this, and in the span of 3 or 4 days, my worst nightmare came true—I completely relapsed and set a speed record for weight gain. I stuffed myself til I was sick, even though I wasn’t hungry in the least. I didn’t even pause long enough to give my brain a chance to reason, “Wait! Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels!” I never even gave myself the chance. And I have NO IDEA why. I wish I could figure out what the problem is, so I can address it and fix it. But now I feel like I have absolutely no control. It’s almost like my body is trying to make itself fat again so I can return to dieting, where it’s “easier” and “safer.” I just don’t know.

This morning I dipped into my stock of MF products (thank goodness I had some left to hold me over til my order arrives!) and have had a shake for breakfast and oatmeal for an AM snack. I will have soup for lunch and some more shakes for later, with lean & green stuff for dinner. I have to go back to MF because it’s the only time I’m in control. I thought I had this licked. But I didn’t. I don’t. So I’m back to the 5&1, where I’ll stay til I figure out what the heck is going on. In a weird way, I welcome the headaches, the hunger, the dehydration. At least the symptoms mean I'm dieting, I'm losing weight, I'm winning again.

So sorry for the huge ramble! It probably seems a bit egomaniacal… I don’t even keep a private journal, so I’m not sure why I feel the need to paste this admission of defeat for the universe to see. Maybe I need accountability. Or maybe I just need to punish myself publicly to make it hurt enough that I don’t repeat the mistake. Not sure.

I stayed home from work today because I woke up with horrible stomach pains (wonder why? ). I also just feel so dejected that I couldn’t face the world til I spend some time mulling this over. I think I’ll go to Barnes & Noble and wander back to the self-help section to peruse some more eating disorder books. Maybe something will strike just the right chord. How can an otherwise reasonably-intelligent person also be such a nutball?

I feel like I let not only myself down, but you guys, too. I'm so sorry. I really was trying to set a good example and show that maintenance can be done… but well, I hope you can learn as well from my mistakes! Thanks for listening. Unca, if you’ve made it to the end of this verrrry long post (!), wouldja mind putting me back in the 10# club? I got some work to do before I can rejoin my buddies in the 20# club!

rae

[24KaratGold]

{{{Rae}}}

Welcome to the human race, hon.

The good news is that my experience is that weight that you gain fast like that usually comes off fast, too, if you get right back to eating right. That was my pattern when I did WW, and it's my pattern on MF, as evidenced by my recent Hawaii break. It's your pattern, and Mary's, and Maura's, too, so don't beat yourself up too badly here. Just stay with MF and that weight will disappear. I gained 6 in the week I was off, and took off 8 the immediately following week after going back on MF.

The bad news is that, obviously, you have some issues to face regarding your eating patterns under stress -- and having your in-laws around is stressful in the first place, and then their behavior sounds like it added to things. My in-laws would have noticed that I had lost weight, but to accept that praise I have to balance it against the fact that they are and have always been very critical of my weight and haven't been shy about saying anything about it.

More good news is: look, you stopped. You're here. You didn't let a week's worth turn into a month's worth turn into a year's worth. You've taken back control after less than ten pounds (most of which will be gone by Sunday) instead of letting it get to 15 or 20 or more. Good for you! You don't drown when you fall in the water, y'know; you drown when you don't pick yourself up out of it and push forward. Don't look back -- that's the sin of Lot's wife -- just look forward. You CAN do this, and you WILL do this, and you remain our beloved Rae, who is indeed our role model and our inspiration.

So go do something (non foody!) nice for yourself today. You're worth it. That's an order.

[kassilou]

Wow. This just proves that getting to goal is only the beginning. We are fighting a lifelong battle, no matter how much we may think that we will be okay once we hit that magical number.

You nailed it when you said you were punishing yourself. I totally understand that. I can just picture myself thinking, "well, if they aren't going to notice my loss, then I'll show them." It makes no sense, but that is how my warped mind works. Yet another issue to work on. Joy.

You have the tools to fix what you did physically. (Three cheers for MF!) You need to convince yourself that you deserve to be thin and happy. And You Do!!! I don't know how to do that , but I think that is an individual battle. Each day has its own particular minefield to navigate. We each have our personal baggage that we need to unload. It's like we are fighting two battles at once...the physical and the emotional. Guess which one is harder.

You now know what to expect from those people, and you know where to go for support and encouragement. It's sad to learn that some people are just not going to be there for us, but we have to accept their limitations, too, and move on. Don't punish yourself for their actions.

I admire your honesty so much. You coming here and sharing is such an inspiration to me. It motivates me, and hearing about your struggles encourages me to deal with my own emotional baggage. Saying "believe in yourself" sounds kinda sappy, but it is true. You are a wonderful, beautiful person. You have provided so much encouragement here, and we love ya for it!

[junglejane]

Oh, Rae, it sounds like we BOTH had bad weeks (weekends). I'm so sorry, I had no idea you were also suffering until I read this post. I can SO relate to you. Everything all the way down to your statement of feeling "safe" while dieting because you are in control. I also think I gain weight just to diet again (subconciously). Every time I reach within 10 pounds of a goal, I quit then gain 20 pounds and start over. If you ever find something in your readings that explain why we do this, please share with me. The only thing I have done differently from you in the past is before I regained the weight, I would go through a 2 week bulemic episode of guilt. I am a recovering bulemic from college days and it does rear its ugly head during those times. The thing about medifast is I don't want to do that when I get side tracked. I actually want to get back on plan. This I have NO doubt is due to the wonderful people like you on the forum. You should never worry about letting us down, Rae. You have lifted us all up so high so many times we are too high to look down. I know you, and I know that positive attitude will come back. You are human and a great one at that. 125 will be on the scale again soon. I envy you so much.... I haven't even seen 134 since the 7th grade!

[want2Bthin]

Rae-

I am so sorry you had a ruff go of it for a few days. I know from all your post that you will get the weight back off. You are so supportive to everyone else on this forum. You can tell by all the wonderful responses you are getting that everyone here cares for you. I can't wait to see you back in the 20# club. I know it won't be long.

Angelia

[DonicaB]

Rae~ My aches for you. I cannot believe your inlaws did not notice a 20# loss. It sounds like we have similar in-laws.

I love a quote by Ben Franklin that says, "Guest, like fish, begin to smell after 3 days." Well I am here to say, YOUR INLAWS STINK.

Don't even think for 1 minute or even 1 second that you somehow failed us. Did you hear me?........ YOU DID NOT FAIL US. Sure you made some bad eating choices, but you by no means failed. A failure is a lack of success. You have success. You have made great strides in reaching your goal weight, and I believe you will be back there in no time. A failure would be to go back to bad eating choices every day. I know you are not going to do that.

By your post I can tell you feel like you are at the end of your rope today. Well ya know what.......when you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

You have always been so encouraging to me. Always a bright spot in my day. Tomorrow will be better, you are already on the right track to getting back to your goal.

DonicaB

[Dean0408]

OH GREAT!!!

First, I get bleary eyed reading each and every word posted in the "Coronary Health" section of the forum, and NOW I get a big PUFF OF BLACK CLOUD in my face!! (that puff of black cloud thing made me smile when I read it Rae, is that some new brand of bathroom tissue?)

Okay Rae, the time has come to be logical. There is something completely screwed up here. I don't see HOW you could have legitimately gained a FULL 10 POUNDS in one week. Actually, based on your sad story, you would have primarily gained it in just a couple of days. No Way..........even if every ounce of what you ate turned to fat, you did not eat 10 pounds of food!

I suggest you begin a dual system for your maintenance monitoring. I suggest you use a tape measure as well as your scale. Take measurements of your neck, upper arms, chest, waist, hips, thighs and calves. Make a chart, with these areas down the left side, and date columns across the top. Do these measurements weekly, bi-weekly or monthly.......it is up to you. You could also throw in a row for weight below the measurement listings.

Oh, and one more thing......Heidi and I have 2 scales in our bathroom. These scales read to within a quarter pound of each other. I always weigh myself on both scales just to make sure one of them has not gone out of whack. If ever there is a huge difference between these scales, I would go to the third scale in the guest bathroom for a two out of three thing. It is not impossible for your scale to get out of calibration, even if it is digital.

You mentioned once that you kept a journal of what you eat. This journal coupled with the above chart will tell you what impact certain eating habits have on you.

I know you said you were exercising and were going for muscle tone. This is why the measurements are important. You can GAIN weight through muscle developement while LOSING inches.

I am not telling you that you did not gain any weight at all last week. What I AM telling you is not to panic. You can fix whatever it is that went wrong. You probably ate like that in your pre-diet days. Think about it......did you gain 10 pounds a week? Let's see.........if you did, in one year you would have gained 520 POUNDS!!! I don't think so.

You had some sort of anomoly. Pure and simple.

Get out some of those new clothes you recently bought. Can you still get in them? Do your shorts or slacks button? Do you look like sausage in a casing? I bet the answers to those questions are.....YES.....YES......and NO!

Put the smile back on your face and let us once again hear your whimsical and happy attitude through the words you type.

You are on MAINTENANCE..........this means you are ALLOWED to have what you want every so often. It also means you monitor yourself for unwanted gains (which you are doing), and take the appropriate action required to remain in the range you have selected as optimum.

I will most definately have times just like you had this past week when I am on maintenance. I know this as sure as I am sitting here. I am not worried about it, because I know that I fully intend to make the proper adjustments immediately following these times to get back to the goal range I have set for myself.

You are still my hero, so hang in there and use logic on this one instead of emotion. You are doing just fine, so stop beating yourself up.

Dean

[Dean0408]

I love a quote by Ben Franklin that says, "Guest, like fish, begin to smell after 3 days."

DonicaB

That's a good saying Donica. I once saw a sign in the family room of a friend's house years ago. I don't know who the saying is attributed to, but it read:

"Every Visitor Brings Joy to this House.......Some When they Enter and Some When they Leave"

I always liked that one.........and use it often.

Dean

[DonicaB]

Dean~~ I love that quote. I have a file saved on my computer of all the quotes I love. I have already added it to the list.

Thanks!

DonicaB

[DonicaB]

Hey Rae~~ Go to the Elevator forum and read Unca Tim's latest motivational quote. I think it is quite appropriate.

DonicaB

[doglover]

Rae, our dear dear Rae - I cannot say one new thing that hasn't been said by these wonderful people. I can only tell you that you continue to be my role model. I learn from you how to jump back on the horse when all I want it to do is stamp all over me while I'm on the ground. You are strong, you are inspirational and you have a great spirit. Don't stomp on yourself. Dust off and be riding again! You already are here on Day One of the rest of your life.

Thank you AGAIN for being so honest.
Donna

[Nancy]

Dear dear Rae ~

B.T.D.T. I hate it when it happens, too.

I have NO idea why it occurs – when we figure it out, rae, we will surely help 65% of our population.

For me, it seems like a part of my brain steps aside and grants another part to take control of the thinking center, to be BOSS for the day (or the week, or a month, etc.).

For many of us, we love the safety that Medifast offers: prescribed doses of food to be taken are prescribed ties of the day. Noting more, nothing less and when we do take them accordingly, we are successful. Once we step outside the safe parameters, we go food ballistic, scarfing every thing not nailed down!

It amazes me when the physical cues are present – sense of feeling full, empty plates or containers and yet I ignore them and want to defy all sensible things for the dangerous thrill of it all. It is like an evil force that takes control.

I do not know the answer to why it happens. It used to bug the puckies out of me because I didn’t know. For me, I have now come to realize there are some things just I do not know now and I may never truly understand them; they just are. Rather than become hung up on the ‘why’ or the ‘how’ of it all, I merely move forward accepting and understanding what I do know.

I cannot figure out the miracle of birth – how a single cell from a man and a woman grows into a marvelous baby upon their union, how it can live inside the dark confines of the womb and then be birthed into the hearts and lives of a family and yet it does. All my ponderings do not change the fact that it happens.

Perhaps your setback joins mine and others – something we cannot truly explain away, it is something that happens.

Like others have stated, forgive yourself, and don’t beat yourself up for being human. You came to the right place: we know how it feels, you do not need more whippings from us, you just need help to move forward.

True story from my girlhood. A friend’s grandmother was recounting the days when she was a young woman during the war (WW II) and rubber was in scarce supply because it was used for the war efforts to provide tires, etc. for army vehicles. The elastic that was available for the average person was of poor quality because the best of the best was used for the “soldier boys.”

The Grandmother was on her way to church with her family and as she walked down the aisle, the waistband in her underdoodies gave way. Evidently this was a common occurrence during this period of time as she said sometimes unders could be seen on dance floors, too.

She merely stepped out of them and continued on her way. From that point on, she always used a safety pin at her waistband to prevent future mishaps.

Application, step out of the situation and continue on your Medifast way for now. To prevent future mishaps, here are a couple of safety pins:

Alcohol is a common denominator for people who overeat. When a person has alcohol, it lowers their rational thinking ability; it also lowers their resistance to eating sensibly. Most appetizers are high calorie/high fat/salty – they make a person thirsty, thus increasing drink orders. Limit alcohol consumption. Drink water or tea in between alcoholic drinks. Often times we drink just because everyone else is or to have something to do with our hands.

When a person transitions to regular foods, it is imperative that we do so over a period of time, adding back in small amounts the regular foods and then we need to keep our daily menu fairly low in fat and low in calories for a period of time. While on the weight loss program, our metabolism slows down and as exercise is increased, the metabolism will increase and then we will be able to handle higher calorie consumption on a daily basis.


Your week’s menu contained a lot of carbolic foods & high fat foods – bread from your sub sandwich, lentils, rice, pasta for your lasagna, bread n’ butter, hummus, the alcoholic drinks = carbs, etc.

Many times during social engagements, we do not drink as much water as normal and our fluids can get totally imbalanced, particularly when we eat a lot of commercially prepared foods – they have a lot more sodium than the average low cal/low fat meal has. I suspect a lot of your weight gain is due to water retention. Coffee (any caffeinated drinks) and alcohol are dehydrating, our body needs extra hydration to flush and refill the cells and a day or two back on the program ought to take care of the majority of the weight gain.

Use raw veggies for appetizers avoid the hot crunchy ones because they are high fat/high calorie.

You are on top of things, raederle. You’ll be right back into the swing of things very soon.

I love bread, pie and candy and when I eat them, they seem to trigger a desire for more and more and it is hard to stop.

I do best when I avoid them all together except for special occasions or on weekends.

I have finally come to the conclusion that as much as I want to be able to eat the way I used to – with sweet abandon – it is not possible to do so and remain at a healthy weight.

It’s a trade-off: Eat what I want and as much as I want and get fat & cranky or eat what I want with restriction and stay healthier and happier. Some days I like it better than others.

I was actually angry for a while that others could eat whatever they wanted to eat without any seemingly negative consequences. I think I am over my mad now but I still don’t like it, rae.

Perhaps this is the time to utilize some of the training you got as a lawyer. Select a side to support, gather the evidence necessary to set up the defense or prosecution for eating beyond safe caloric limits and use that as your mental arsenal when you are thinking about going beyond your safe food allowance.

According to my husband, there is not one shred of evidence that I have a logical brain cell circulating in my head as I operate according to my heart and my emotions but perhaps filling a yellow notepad with particular points that lead to your pork-out may provide you with some clues.

Personally, I would step out of it, go forward as if it didn’t happen, use the safety pin of your Medifast products this week and at a later time when you are feeling less vulnerable, revisit the ‘whys.’

[raederle]

Boy, did I need that! Dean, you are absolutely right that logically, it is pretty much impossible for me to have gained 10 pounds of fat. It takes 3500 calories to equal one pound of flabbage, so I would have had to have eaten 35,000 calories over and above what my body requires to exist to gain that much weight. I did some damage, sure, but you're right; I didn't eat 10 pounds of food, and I didn't eat 35,000 calories. (Even though I *felt* like I might have...) At least some of the flabbage is an anomoly, or water, or who knows what. Maybe I live in a fluctuating gravity field. That would certainly explain a lot of things around here...! Taking measurements would be a nice way to have a backup read on how I'm doing, so I think I'll steal that idea!

Donica, your post made me giggle-- my in-laws do stink sometimes, though they really are generally wonderful people. Maybe they're just clueless! They've certainly never been fat, so maybe they just live (like many many people) in the bliss of thinny ignorance. Ah well-- they bring joy in their leaving this time! But it's up to me to better deal with these kinds of situations, so I suppose I can't blame it all on them...!

24K, I took your advice and hung out at B&N for a few hours... It was great to get out of the house alone, and I browsed to my heart's content. The checkout lady must think I'm a psycho, though-- I handed her 2 books on overeating and destructive body image, a new dark fantasy novel with a half-naked elf on the cover (can't they hire some decent artists to draw sci-fi/fantasy cover art for goodness' sake??? It's embarrassing!), a journal, and 2 mother's day cards. She probably called the police after I left.

Anyway, the books on overeating, at least from the 20 pages of each that I read in the store, sound like they might give me some concrete advice on rooting out my issues and learning to stop the self-hate routine.... hope so! Jane, I will certainly let you know if I find anything valuable in here. I can't pretend to know what it's like to struggle with bulimia, but I've often throughout my life come close to purging just to get rid of the guilt of overeatiing-- and just thinking about that was scary enough. It must take incredible strength to move past that, so it's *me* who envies *you*!

I'm planning on getting through these books (Overcoming Overeating, and When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies, both by Hirschmann & Munter) and using them to help me get to the core of whatever's really causing the overeating. The journal, hopefully, will help, and will be a good place to record those measurements, Dean! And in the mean time, I'll shake for at least a couple of weeks to give myself time away from having to think about real food. Time to refocus!

Thanks, 24K, Jane, Kass, Donna, Donica, and Dean... I felt badly about "failing" because I didn't want you guys to think maintenance can't be done. You're working so hard to get to goal that the last thing I wanted was to give you any doubt that you would make it, be successful, and keep the weight off for good. I STILL think all of you can do it! (Just do as I say, not as I do... ) I still think I can do it, too! I just have some homework to do so I can learn from this. We'll figure it out together. As 24K said, it's not the water that drowns you-- it's the not getting up out of the water! Well, I'm getting up out of the water. (Or, for Donna, I'm getting out of the way of that stampeding horse!!! )

Thank you thank you thank you. Day One is okay when you have Medibuddies to share it with!

[raederle]

Hi Nancy-- I musta been writing my long reply while you were writing yours, and we crossed streams. (Don't cross the streeeeeams!!!!) (<--- That's supposed to be a Ghostbuster...)

Your post is perfect-- I found so many gems in there that I'm printing it out, along with this whole thread, and I'm keeping it in my new journal to read and re-read... I *completely* identify with being angry at how so many other people seem able to eat horrendously and not worry about denying themselves, perched on their barstools like skinny little flamingos. (?) But you're right; being mad about it doesn't get me anywhere, and I can either choose to sometimes restrict what I eat and stay thin, or eat what I want iin vast quanities and get fat again. It seems like a silly question to even have to ask myself when I think of it that way! I'd rather be miffed and skinny than happy and fat, which, of course, is impossible because if I'm fat I'm not happy... and the cycle continues.... So I guess I know which side would win the argument!

And yep, the alcohol makes a big difference for me. When I drink, bad things happen (gastronomically speaking...). And I think adding back the subway sandwich and then the pasta was a bad idea. I guess I tried to run before I could walk without fallin' on my butt.

Well, with my safety pins back in place and my underdoodies securely fastened, I'll try again! It's comforting, in a weird way, to know that maybe I won't necessarily find a big "why." I'd love to find an answer, but not at the expense of driving myself nuts trying to explain something that defies explanation. Finding a way to put down the spoon is good enough for me...!

Thanks, Nancy-- you really have been through it all, and I'm so grateful to you for sharing what you've learned. Makes me feel not quite so nutty.

[Dean0408]

You ladies have me completely puzzled with this "underdoodie" thing.

I know what "UNDER" means..........it is a location..........and WE ALL sure as HECK know what "DOODIE" is............

What I CAN"T figure out.........is why you would want to pin it to yourself so it does not FALL OFF!!!!

hehe....

Dean