The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[DogMa]

Wow. I don't really know what to say, either. It sounds like something you need to work through yourself, or maybe with some outside help.

But as for whether you were supportive "enough" on here, or just looking for support - it happens. It's why we're here. Sometimes we need support and help, and sometimes we don't and we can give it to others. If this were just a place to support other people, without getting any for yourself, I doubt most of us would be around. "To each according to his needs, from each according to his ability." (yes, I've resorted to Marxist slogans.)

I do hope Karli is right, and you'll have more perspective in the morning. Hang in there, Nickie.

[Nova]

Nickie, I wish I had some words of insight that would suddenly make you go 'ah ha' and everything would magically be alright again. Unfortunately, all I can think of to say is be strong. You almost had it. You had put away the phone and walked away. I don't know why you came back, and neither do you. But next time that demon urges you on, say to yourself that you're stronger than that. Yes, you want to eat, you want to munch on something, you feel bad or hungry or whatever. But this program works and if you want the results, you have to be honest and stay strong.

I've had some of the same thoughts you have. I told myself many times that I'm carrying around a lot of muscle under my fat and I'd exercise, so I'd deserve some extra food. But it doesn't work like that. MF gives the same diet to woman with 25 pounds to go and to guys who are 6'6" and have 150 pounds to go. Man, woman, heavy, muscular or pillowy, it doesn't matter. You control what you put in your mouth, and you control the success of your program. We'll be here to cheer you on, to pick you up and listen to your problems. We've all had them. And every time you face a problem successfully, every time you walk away from the phone and the take out, you get stronger. You're more able to deal with any problem life throws at you.

Make it easy for yourself for the next few days. Lay your MF meals out on the counter, or put them all in a zip lock bag. Include your favorite meals so you have something to look forward to. Buy 4 bottles of water and label them 1-4 with a big Sharpie. Put them in the frig and drink them in order through the day. If you plan ahead, it makes it so much easier to stay on plan and beat the cravings.

Good luck!

[Mike]

Umm, wow.
I think Karli said all that I would of said. I did have one question immediately while reading the beginning of that post. I want to find that No carb cheese

Really though, I've done what you have done Nickie. Many of us have been there. There have been times that I have given myself permission to take a day off and go through that agonizing 3 day period again. (I did it over Christmas).

It all comes down to the fact that we haven't had brain surgery (at least the majority of us haven't - that I know of anyhow ). We still have all of these temptations, weaknesses, desires and we struggle to deal with them.
My advice is to do what you said..... just get back on and fight the fight. It will be worth it in the end. For me, I know that if I give up, I will be back where I was before I started this, and that isn't where I want to be. It comes down to one main question:
What do you want?

[bikipatra]

I agree with everything that has been written but still want to add a bit. From reading your post and other posts it seems you minimize( a form of distorted thinking) a lot and that NUMBING your feelings is more important than following the Medifast plan for you right now. I can't fault you for that. I don't know what those feelings are. I don't have to eat to numb feelings because I take pills several times a day to keep my feelings in check. That is a dubious luxury. But you can get help for it, and maybe on this board. I don't know. A lot of us have used food and many, many other substances to zone out-and just not feel. Maybe someone on here has had to binge (and yes, even those mini bagels and cheese was a binge) to control their feelings and can offer experience, strength and hope. Feelings won't kill us-it just seems like they will. We have to learn other ways to soothe and distract ourselves. Sometimes that requires outside help. I hope you get the help you need and keep trying on the Medifast plan and don't chuck it before the miracle happens.

[Serendipity]

I think at some point, I realized that stuffing in the food only made me feel worse and didn't fill any need I had. While on Medifast, we have the perfect opportunity to put into practice dealing with life without food for comfort. I went through lots of stress in the last year including the death of my dear MIL, a serious illness with my father, death of my son's friend.....lots of stuff happened and I didn't use food. Guess what!? I got through it all without turning to food. You can, too. You just need to make the decision to do it.

[nickieluv]

Wow. Well I need to process all these comments, so I can't say much now, but I was a little teary seeing how many people cared to comment. Before I even came on here (MF shake in hand, by the way - I was never going to give up entirely!) I was just planning out a post in my head, just for my clarity of mind, an 'aha' I had this morning lying in bed. And then I was faced with all of you. It's ironic when you consider what I was planning to say.

I think I'm lonely. This occurred to me this morning, that this was the main emotion I was dealing with last night. I've never had a lot of close friends, just many acquaintances. I get along well with people on the surface but I have a hard time really getting close to someone else. The people who try to be my friend have a hard job because I never want to go out anywhere - both my size and my shyness - and now I use the baby as an excuse for why I can't do anything (can't find a sitter etc.). My husband is really the only person I have that I am myself around, and even that I'm not sure of - we've had a lot of distance and problems in our marriage for about 3 years, and since May of '06 he's been working nights, so we only see each other on the weekends and that's always with the baby around, doing chores or going to church, not really being alone together and talking. The time we do have, we spend fighting over nothing. The one close friend I do have, I've isolated myself from in the last several months as well - meaning to call but being 'too busy,' and I haven't returned her last phone call for over a month. I tell myself that I'd just rather be alone, but I've ended up completely isolated. No one really knows me - maybe not even me.

Then I come here, and since you aren't 'real life people' that can see me and touch me, I let out too much - but even that is all edited, filtered through a 'what will they think of me' lens that is so my constant companion that I take it for granted now. Whenever I try to reach out, either personally or professionally, I am terrified of being misunderstood, of the comments that I mean to be funny really being inappropriate, of offending someone, of not being liked. And at the same time I say I don't need other people and I don't care about their opinions anymore.

I feel like I'm always on stage, always performing for the people around me, trying to be who they want me to be so that I won't be rejected. And then with my husband, I treat him like I don't care about him at all, I keep him distanced from me so that if he ever decided to leave, it wouldn't hurt because I don't really love him, after all - that's what I tell myself.

When I ordered the food last night, I just stared at the delivery guy, and had the fleeting thought of how I could get him to come inside - not in a bad porn kind of way, but I don't know what I was really thinking. And then when he left I watched him go and he shook his head, annoyed with me for not giving him a tip - I paid with a CC and just signed the slip without adding anything in. I always forget to tip when I do the CC thing. But I was sad because this complete stranger was now mad at me. Someone else in the world who knows I'm awful.

It's such a cliche but I'm afraid of being abandoned - child of divorce and all that crap. The person I was always closest to growing up, my dad, left me. I've kept a good relationship with him and see him several times a year, but still, he left me. And if anyone else ever knew the truth about what I think, and what I do, when I'm by myself, like he did, then they could never love me or care about me. Because I know I'm really a horrible person, and eventually everyone will find out, so I have to always be very careful what I let show. I read all the time that you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you, and I so obviously hate myself that I can't possibly trust that anyone else could love me - and if they do, they must be stupid, or have something wrong with them, or I must be doing a really good job of fooling them into thinking I'm perfect.

I know none of this makes sense and I shouldn't believe any of it - but I do. And I always talk about counseling but I avoid it, and the few times I have gone there's always some reason I manufacture as to why I can't open up - and you know, EVERY time I've gone I've been in tears. I can't stop. The fact that I'm bawling right now is a pretty good indicator that I've hit on something true. And I don't know how to fix it by myself.

It's even extending to my daughter. I love her so much, but there are times that it feels like I don't. I turn that off, too, along with all my emotions, when it gets too painful, or too overwhelming. No wonder I eat all the time. It does help me not to feel - or at least to identify one feeling, guilt, that I'm familiar with and comfortable with, so I can ignore all the other ones. And even here I've denied I'm an emotional eater.

I've been on too long - there's lots to do today and lots to think about. But please know that you are all appreciated, and that I will be thinking about life but not food - I'm not going to abandon everything.

[bikipatra]

Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. And remember all the support and love you can get on this board. When I first came here I told everyone how isolated and alone I felt. I have two friends who talk to me on the phone and they are 12 step program people so I tell myself they have to talk to me. When I got here and still very much today, I was full of self-pity, angry at not getting my emotional needs met and very lonely. I kept being reminded that I have friends here and I never have to be alone. Feeling that you are the worst of the worst is just blown-up pride in reverse. We can give you all the love and support we can on this board but there are changes that need to be made inside you and that will not be overnight. It could take years. But just like in Medifast, you can do it one step at a time. Continue to be honest about your feelings, even if they are unpleasant. Stop self-editing and be as real as your hang-ups will allow. Stop obsessing to the best of your ability- on childhood issues, your past and pizza boys. Be the best mother you can be. Try to look for ways to be of service without compromising yourself. I read every single new post on this board every single day. I am sure you can help someone everyday on here. Newcomers, newer than you, people who are struggling or even need some congratulations. Get some gratitude. You just have to make the decision that you are a Medifaster no matter what-and slowly but surely, if you take the right action (like counseling again and sharing the real you) the rest will work itself out. One shake and one day at a time.

[Karli]

Hi, Nickie, I have read through all of your new post and I am just digesting it. I can relate with a lot of it. I just want to say that there is a way out of this -- all of it, okay ? There is and it will continue to be revealed. You are very courageous to be willing to deal with this stuff, it's quite a jungle, eh ?

But, what I see is that you are really identifying some things that are hindering your sense of freedom... and, well, those things don't enjoy being exposed so it feels pretty weird sometimes when they are. But, don't despair ! Identifying them is a really good thing to do and a super positive step (it empowers you to gain control over them -- and they can sometimes feel that coming and disguise themselves as "resistence to change").

And, actually, the fact that all of this has come up is a sign that there has been some good progress for you already. It means you broke the exact seal that you may have been afraid to break by really addressing your eating habits as you have done .

Though it may feel like it, you are not alone (even if you isolate yourself from others).

Congrats on getting your suppy in !! Hope to hear from you soon .

Karli

[nickieluv]

This is just something I have to do right now - I want to acknowledge what I've been given before too much time passes.

Karli - yours was the first post I saw this morning. I don't know if you really did summon me here to read it, but thank you for everything you said. And thank you for your most recent post on your own journal. I read it and I'm not sure what specifically it meant to me, but I know that it stirred something. I'll probably be reading it again a couple of times to put my finger on the feeling.

Robin - thank you for the reassurance that taking what I need and giving what I can doesn't make me a bad person, even if those sides are not equal. Hopefully at some point I can give more than I take.

Nova - thank you for being encouraging and for having such good ideas about how to face the next few days again. And for stating the hard truth that I am not 'entitled' to any more food than anybody else on this program.

Mike - I wish I could say that I'd planned to take a day off and come right back, but that implies more control than I had last night. Or maybe not more than I had - just more than I used. I'm sure that 'normal' people let themselves have a little leeway from time to time and go right back to their healthy habits. It's just that 'from time to time' means once a month or something, not every hour on the hour, right?

Jo - I was so afraid of your post! In a good way - I knew you'd take no prisoners. The thing is, I KNOW, and have known for a very long time, that stuffing serves no purpose and makes me miserable, but I still do it. It's a mental problem as well as behavioral, and obviously a more firmly entrenched one than I thought. I need to find something else to fulfill me and not use food. I hope I can learn to do that as successfully as you have in the last year.

Biki - I think you needed to type 'therapy' a few more times. But really, I know that's what I need to do. I even talked about it the last time I left here, although I had lots of excuses for why I couldn't follow through. It's VERY difficult for me to embark on that path. I'm afraid of what I'll uncover - I haven't really wanted to know about my problems. It's been easier - or I've PERCEIVED that it's been easier - to just ignore them and pretend they don't exist. Because you know these feelings pass - even my sadness of this morning has passed - and when I'm not feeling them in the moment, I much prefer to go on as if it never happened. I know it's unhealthy to do that without resolving the issue, and feelings that I suppress will just manifest themselves in some other way - but the fear of actually dealing with them has been enough to stop me from trying to be healthy about it.

And to anyone who may have read it, I want to reiterate that I was *NOT* trying to seduce the delivery boy, nor would I ever (unless my husband got a part time job as such, but you get the idea). I at the time transferred sexual thoughts onto the situation in my mind, and didn't realize until this morning that I just wanted someone to talk to and socialize with. Ironic, since whenever I have the chance to socialize I shun it. I have lots of problems but mild nymphomania hasn't been one of them in about 10 years.

OK, so here's my request - don't let me forget that I need to get into counseling. I need a not-so-gentle push here or I won't do it. In a few days I'll be feeling better and not be thinking about this anymore and I will decide that I'm fine for another month or six until something clicks and I'm a sobbing wreck again. And if I make an appointment, it takes at least two weeks to see someone, so chances are if I even show up I'll be in a good mood and the person will ask questions and I'll have no truthful answers to give. Pretending I'm fine has been my life, remember - I exist only to give to other people, I need but I will not take because I am not worthy. I actually just re-read this and felt guilty about asking people here to be my police, because I should be an adult and able to do it myself.

Sheesh, do I have issues! Not the least of which is why can't I post something shorter than 500 words lately.... Sorry to be flippant. I really am serious about everything I wrote above.

[bikipatra]

This is just something I have to do right now - I want to acknowledge what I've been given before too much time passes.


And to anyone who may have read it, I want to reiterate that I was *NOT* trying to seduce the delivery boy, nor would I ever (unless my husband got a part time job as such, but you get the idea). I at the time transferred sexual thoughts onto the situation in my mind, and didn't realize until this morning that I just wanted someone to talk to and socialize with. Ironic, since whenever I have the chance to socialize I shun it. I have lots of problems but mild nymphomania hasn't been one of them in about 10 years.


Sheesh, do I have issues! Not the least of which is why can't I post something shorter than 500 words lately.... Sorry to be flippant. I really am serious about everything I wrote above.

Nickie, we all have more issues than National Geographic or we wouldn't be here or even be human. You are just finding the courage to be honest about some of yours. I can't speak for everyone but I don't believe anyone thinks you were trying to get busy with the pizza boy. You were just lonely. It reminded me of a story back when was I was way down deep in the bottle and dealing very poorly with my alcoholism. I had a whole gallon of Jack Daniels and was so alone and needy, I went down to a park near my house and asked a homeless person (a male) to come back to my house and drink with me. He could have killed me and stolen anything in the house. But we just got drunk together and talked about the internet (he of course didn't have a PC in the park) and when it was time for my husband to come home for lunch, I kicked him out. Nothing sexual was suggested. I think he understood-I just didn't want to get drunk alone that morning. When we are desperate we do desperate things.

[DogMa]

I was just going to say the same about the pizza boy. No one here thinks that, and if someone does, that's THEIR problem.

I think a lot of us can relate to what you're going through. Frankly, I think most people feel like they're putting on a front, at least some of the time. We all censor ourselves, we all worry about what people think of us, we all worry that we're not good enough somehow (whether we're brave enough to admit it or not). Some of us are so afraid of being abandoned that we never let anyone get too close, keeping some emotional distance at all times to protect ourselves from the hurt if someone leaves us.

You are SO not alone in this, Nickie. And I wish you could know how many people you've touched by baring your feelings like this. I know it's hard to reach out, but you've taken the first step and you should be so very proud of yourself for doing it.

[Karli]

Karli - yours was the first post I saw this morning. I don't know if you really did summon me here to read it, but thank you for everything you said.

Oh, yes. I most certainly did . And, you are most welcome .


Cheers,
Karli

[Sojourner]

Nickie.
Wow, thanks for being so honest. I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with the grief of this situation, but I’d like to thank you for reminding me of why and how I was so successful in the beginning of this journey and have not been as much so in the past several weeks. I’ve been letting school, and just life in general, get in the way. I need to prioritize and put myself back in the top spot where I belong. (Selfish bastards, unite!)

See, your struggles have already helped someone, and they will help you too, if you can recognize them for what they are and not allow them to defeat you completely. It sounds as though you are still determined to fight the good fight, but until this particular issue is resolved, you will continue to struggle more than you need to – and against YOURSELF!

You prompted me to write about this issue in my journal. I knew it’d be a really long entry and didn’t want to clog your space with it, but here’s the link:
http://www.makemethinner.com/forum/diet-8672-75.html

Thanks again, Nickie, and may the Medi-force be with you!

[DogMa]

Nickie, just wondering how you're doing today.

[nickieluv]

Sojourner, I have yet to read your post but I'm headed there next. Thanks for telling me that my 'breakdown' helped you. I still find it strange that a simple diet has so much to do with my entire emotional fabric, and my whole life has to change. But I am still keeping on.

Robin - I'm OK, thanks. I was not hungry at all yesterday and stayed on plan with no problems - I even had to remind myself to eat twice.

Today is going well so far, but we have our last family Christmas this afternoon. Honestly, it wasn't until this morning that I even remembered there would be food at this thing. I don't know how long we'll end up being there, so I'm going to take an RTD in case I can't put together a L&G, and hopefully there will be water or diet soda I can have so I look like I'm eating more. I'd really like to avoid having the RTD in front of everybody - I know that most people don't care what you do, but this is my family and I think there will be questions. And after Friday, even though I'm still committed, I've lost a bit of confidence.

I will be at roll call in a bit - I gained 3 from last week, but considering that I was up 5 pounds on Friday I'll take it. Given that I didn't feel ravenous yesterday, or so far today, I'm wondering if my take-out was low enough in carbs that it didn't totally knock me out of ketosis, even though the calories were super high. It was a burger and chicken fingers - so just the bun and the bit of breading were carby. No condiments, just swiss cheese and mushrooms. DON'T WORRY - I am not telling myself this makes it all OK and I should do it every week. I'm just saying that maybe a part of me, even though I caved, was subconsciously trying to make the best of a bad situation. It's certainly not my usual order by any means. But whatever happened, I'm not going to complain, especially since I'm still under my goal graph projection line to be under 200 in six months.

Well, that's all for now. I'm trying to read all the new posts today, like I usually tried to do, but I'm only posting on a few. I'm trying to take it easy and not make myself feel like I have to post to EVERYBODY who starts a thread. But I'm trying to do my part to be helpful, too.