The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Karli]

Thanks, Karli. I wish I could feel like I'm making progress but I just don't know. I feel like if I say I'm headed in the right direction even though I'm not sticking to the diet reliably, then I'm lying to myself. I feel most of the time that things have to be perfect in order to count. Of course I tell my students all the time that trying your best and making progress is the goal - but when it comes to my life and feelings I don't see that as good enough.

Yes. You are right. And, I know that sometimes it may seem as though I write from a place of not seeing what's really happening on the outside. It's important to take stock in what's really going on, and I don't feel I am just blowing sunshine your direction to make you feel good about yourself.

I see that you have been able to be compliant for 7 days. I see that you believe in the program. I see that you keep yourself here on a somewhat regular basis and that you are working to get yourself where you want to be. You are building some confidence (even if you don't feel like it). When you write, though the content may be a little messy (as life can be), you are writing clearly and with some kind of groundedness in your thought. That is all *evident* progress.

And, of course, whatever other things are thought about and explored, when it comes down to it, we just have to decide that this is what we are going to do and do it. I actually think you are there, but maybe you don't trust yourself. Well, stop worrying about tomorrow . There is no way you can outline how everything is going to play out. We see a little, walk a little, see a little more, walk a little more. THAT IS LIFE !! SO LIVE IT !!

Okay. Now, I need to get back to my music .

You just keep going. Maybe you have thought enough for a while. You have already surfaced some areas that were maybe a little covered before. Go with those things. Build on what you have started. You do not have to figure it all out at once in order to take another step, nor can you figure everything out at once. We have to keep taking steps to have more revealed to us, that's why it's called a JOURNEY . So, walk a little now, darn it !! Use your compass, use your feets and get walking !! Sometimes action and commitment bring the inspiration. Kinda like practicing... hee hee. I don't have much inspiriation about it right now, but when I really sink my teeth into, I remember why I love it and I find myself enjoying the practice.

Enjoy your life . It's yours and life is all we've got .


Karli

[bikipatra]

Nickie, there is a point in life where we get sick and tried of being sick and tired. It is that kind of desperation I believe people need to make any major life changes. When enough is enough, I think you are in the process of getting there. I can come up with 1000 reasons dealing with my messed up head (and believe me, they don't give you 6 psych drugs because you are all there) to have the biggest alcohol or booze binge I wanted. I am a person who is good at rationalizing and denial. I am convinced that when you have had enough misery and enough food, you will stop. It may take a few more slip-ups. I don't know anyone's path, but I do know you are on one. You demonstrate willingness and honesty by coming on here. One major change I can suggest is to get on here and tell on yourself BEFORE the chinese food, or before the shake. Tell on yourself, tell on your head. These aren't spur of the moment events, you admit that you plan them. Getting in trouble at work for spending 10 minutes on the internet is worth it. Take the power out of it. Tell your secrets before they eat you up. Or the other way around.

[kmr]

Nickie,
Re-read your very first post that you wrote on this thread. Carry a copy with you at all times if you have to! You CAN and eventually WILL do this. We are ALL here for you!

[nickieluv]

OK, I know you all told me to stop thinking and just do it, but I thought of this before I read that so it's OK to post it.

I've always thought there was something wrong with me, or I was abnormal, for being so obsessed with food. Like last night, admitting that I was actually happy and excited about getting Chinese food.

Guess what? I'm normal!!

See, if I were going to see a best friend that I hadn't seen in a long time, I would be just that excited. I'd think about it, I'd plan a visit, I'd want to spend time with him/her. Food has been my friend. I know others have written about this - it never says no, it's always there, it never misunderstands me, and it makes me feel better. My emotions are not the problem here. I don't have unusual feelings. It is completely normal to want to see a safe and trusted friend, especially when you've been separated for a while.

The problem is that I've attached all those feelings to food instead of to a real live person. I've always been such a loner and not kept people close to me, and so food has filled that void. For others, food is just something they have to remember to eat. When they want a friend, they go get one. I know that's oversimplifying the process, but 'people who need people' admit it and go out and meet people, instead of staying lonely and eating more.

This is a relief to me. I don't have to change everything about myself. I just need to change my attachments. I need to substitute real things for food - like family, friends - oooh, and this is a good one - like MYSELF. I need to believe that I'm a pretty good person to know, so that I can stand being around myself and I don't have to run away and turn to food to avoid me. I am the one person I can never get away from, and maybe that's really who I've been avoiding all this time. I have so many 'personalities' that I put on to fit the situation - I even have an 'I've been drinking' personality that my husband says is so much fun, and people like her - but see, if she does something that people don't like, she can always blame the alcohol. If I'm like that all the time and people don't like it, what can I blame it on? My self-esteem is too fragile to endure people not liking me. Funny, I want to be everybody's friend and I've become no one's.

I don't know who *I* want me to be. I don't know which character is the one I want to adopt forever. The one I have isn't much fun, that's true - she's quiet, she's anal about everything, she's touchy and she puts people off. She's made herself unknowable and untouchable - kept at a distance, safe. But so sad! So lonely!

Enter food, the seducer, giving temporary respite. You know, you could say I'm lucky. I could have turned to drugs (never - not even pot), or alcohol(yep, been there, thankfully briefly), or promiscuity(oh, so been there - just as briefly thank God), or other kinds of excess. I've avoided some things that could have been even more dangerous than just overeating. But until I'm ready to face the 'me' that will be uncovered while losing weight, I'm not going to stick with it. It's too scary.

I'm really glad I'm going to counseling. It seems like it's something I needed so much more than I thought. I sort of 'pooh-poohed' counseling for the longest time - waste of time, just write it out or talk to yourself, it's cheaper. I'm sort of excited to be going, to meet this woman and see what she's like - I'm also scared out of my mind at what I'm going to uncover. I hope I can face whatever it is. I know I should say that I CAN face whatever it is - but I really don't know. I don't know what's being buried inside me.

[jlaman79]

Sounds like your really doing a lot of work on "you".

Be strong, we're all in this boat together.

[Lauren]

Hey, Nickie-

Sorry you've been having a rough time, but like the others have said, this will likely be a great path to travel, and should have some really helpful insights for you along the way.

FYI, you are normal, and most of us on here get excited about food. I still get excited, totally not lying, about my meals every day. I just happen to get excited for MF meals now, and for my L&Gs, instead of off-program stuff. So don't beat yourself up about that head-trip, most of us here have it!

But the therapist will hopefully help you uncover some of the other crap looming behind the actual food issues. Because we all know that the food issues aren't about the food. Hopefully you'll learn what they're about!

Best of luck to you in this journey!

lauren

[nickieluv]

Well, obviously I'm doing a fantastic job not posting during work.

Last night with the counselor wasn't much. I guess I sort of expected to walk out with a bigger feeling of accomplishment. I know it takes time - I guess it's just getting to know this woman and then getting deeper into things. Of course she had to ask some general background and family questions so that took up most of the time. And she did give me some ideas of things to do to try to remember more of my childhood, and to deal with my emotional issues surrounding food. She suggested I write sort of a 'dear john' letter to my food - this is why I love you, but this is why I can't see you anymore. Sounds silly but maybe when I'm in a better frame of mind I'll try it. She also said I should try to keep a journal of what I am thinking/feeling when the urge to eat happens. Even though I might not realize what is happening for a day or two, I should always write down what I figure out eventually. There was some other stuff about self-esteem and confidence, and we talked a little about my detail-oriented mind and things. I just have to remember to KEEP GOING. I'm usually good for about 4 sessions and then I bail.

So my next appointment is the 24th, and I have a made a goal for myself to stay completely compliant for the next two weeks. I am giving myself permission to do whatever I feel like doing after that appointment, and hoping that when the time comes I'll want to stay on plan. But at least this gives me a specific timeline. It does help me to think I can have all these foods again if I want them - that's what helped for the week I was compliant - but 'someday' was too vague, and '6 months' was too long to imagine. Two weeks I think I can probably handle. Just remembering that I can resist it for now, and if on the 24th I still feel the same way I can have it then. I know that's not how the plan is supposed to work, but I think these are some steps I have to go through. Just staying on for two weeks will be a big deal.

You've probably guessed that this means I was not good last night. I wasn't. But I asked my husband this morning to either throw away, eat, or put out of my reach and sight all the remains of the last few days' transgressions (including chocolate and candy we got from my Dad for Christmas, him not knowing I was on a diet again). I still have L&Gs ready-made in the fridge for this week to keep it easy for me, and will probably do the same over the weekend for next week. I am undecided on how I will use the scale during this time - we'll see what happens there. I've been weighing every day even through this and am up two more pounds - but hey, I've still lost 3 pounds.

One thing I wanted to remind myself - I feel crappy. Last week, my first back at work, I was tired, yes, that's always true, but I felt lighter somehow and even through the lack of sleep, I felt it was easier to move and to get things done. Once I started the downhill slide it was right back to couch-ville - and this week has been awful. I'm not getting anything done, I have no energy or motivation, I feel ploddy, heavy - I sleep like a stone but still feel tired in the morning and my first thought of the day is always 'how many hours till I can go to sleep again?' So part two of my compliance - or maybe it goes right along with it - is to go to bed by 10 every night, preferably 9 to try to catch up on rest.

Well, these pretty much always end up longer than I mean them to be. I'm going to try to get back to posting on other threads soon, but I don't know when that will be. I'm not feeling like I have much to give right now. But I am still reading everything, so hopefully soon I will feel more a part of things again.

PS - to Karli - I didn't think you were blowing sunshine up my you-know about making progress. I was just saying that from where I'm sitting, I can't see or feel it. And even if I did, I would probably deny it as not good enough anyway. I've never thought you said anything to me without being sincere, and I appreciate that someone out there feels I've changed since last time. About that, at least, I do agree, but not being able to trust it is my first reaction, so it does help to hear that others have seen changes, too.

[bikipatra]

Don't ever feel sorry for taking care of yourself. You are trying to manage this program with your timelines because it had become unmanageable for you. I hope it works. I hope something works. You have been compliant before, you know you can do it. Something they tell people in AA to do is one day at a time. That means that even if they want a drink more than life, they tell themselves-no, not today, if I have to, I can have it tomorrow but NOT TODAY. And then tomorrow, they tell themselves the same thing. It works for a lot of people and has since the late 1930's. Maybe it can help you.

[Karli]

Last night with the counselor wasn't much. I guess I sort of expected to walk out with a bigger feeling of accomplishment. I know it takes time - I guess it's just getting to know this woman and then getting deeper into things. Of course she had to ask some general background and family questions so that took up most of the time. And she did give me some ideas of things to do to try to remember more of my childhood, and to deal with my emotional issues surrounding food. She suggested I write sort of a 'dear john' letter to my food - this is why I love you, but this is why I can't see you anymore. Sounds silly but maybe when I'm in a better frame of mind I'll try it. She also said I should try to keep a journal of what I am thinking/feeling when the urge to eat happens. Even though I might not realize what is happening for a day or two, I should always write down what I figure out eventually. There was some other stuff about self-esteem and confidence, and we talked a little about my detail-oriented mind and things. I just have to remember to KEEP GOING. I'm usually good for about 4 sessions and then I bail.

This all sounds very good. I have been anxious to find out how your appointment went. Maybe it wasn't earth shattering because you have already been figuring some of this out on your own. That's okay. She was gentle with you, and that's good. There is no reason this road HAS to be bumpy, but if gets bumpy, you will be able to cope with it properly by using some of these tools.

So my next appointment is the 24th, and I have a made a goal for myself to stay completely compliant for the next two weeks. I am giving myself permission to do whatever I feel like doing after that appointment, and hoping that when the time comes I'll want to stay on plan. But at least this gives me a specific timeline. It does help me to think I can have all these foods again if I want them - that's what helped for the week I was compliant - but 'someday' was too vague, and '6 months' was too long to imagine. Two weeks I think I can probably handle. Just remembering that I can resist it for now, and if on the 24th I still feel the same way I can have it then. I know that's not how the plan is supposed to work, but I think these are some steps I have to go through. Just staying on for two weeks will be a big deal.

Yes, I believe this is an excellent idea for you. We simply must set things up for ourselves that feel managable. That doesn't mean we can't surpass our expectations, but this is a very good step. And, you are right, it's time to take some more steps now .

One thing I wanted to remind myself - I feel crappy. Last week, my first back at work, I was tired, yes, that's always true, but I felt lighter somehow and even through the lack of sleep, I felt it was easier to move and to get things done. Once I started the downhill slide it was right back to couch-ville - and this week has been awful. I'm not getting anything done, I have no energy or motivation, I feel ploddy, heavy - I sleep like a stone but still feel tired in the morning and my first thought of the day is always 'how many hours till I can go to sleep again?'

I was knowing that by now, you would be remembering how you felt during those 7 days and that you would be able to recognize a difference (that is part of the beauty in what you accomplished during that time. You showed something to yourself that can be remembered clearly). Sometimes us people are not being aware enough or honest enough with ourselves to recognize this (or sometimes it seems we just don't care). But, you see it, you can feel it and you know what to do about it. You also have the strength to take a few more steps now because I think you crave that feeling you had during those 7 days. Remember, getting past the first few days (and for some reason, especially past the 2nd -- for me -- the third just seals it) brings that feeling of goodness back into your life. And then, the longer you are ON, the more you feel it and the more drastic it feels in comparison to old days.

I appreciate that someone out there feels I've changed since last time. About that, at least, I do agree, but not being able to trust it is my first reaction (...)

You will learn to see that you DO trust yourself, because that is what it takes to survive in this world, Nickie. And, you are a survivor.

Best wishes to you and I am always thinking of you.
Karli

[nickieluv]

Just stopping in to post an amusing thought.

I know it would be fruitless to just magically lose all the weight overnight - without making any changes in your habits or lifestyle, you'd be right back where you started in a matter of months.

But I just had this mental picture of myself leaping out of bed in the morning. Or up the steps, or off the couch or whatever. Muscle memory would make you use too much effort to do things - like when you think a water jug is full but it's really empty, and when you pick it up you fling it over your shoulder?

Wouldn't that be cool? You'd feel like Superman! With 100+ or however many pounds gone all at once - I wonder, would we literally float off our seats? How strong are those butt cheeks from holding us up all day long?

Well, that had nothing to do with anything - but I wish there was a way to preview the feeling that will come with losing all the weight. One glimpse for encouragement. Maybe that's what those 'good days' are - glimpses of what life can be when we have confidence and happiness in life.

Anywho - must actually work.

[DogMa]

I have always wished that when you start a diet, you'd immediately lose all the weight. And then just gain some back every time you cheated.

Sorry I haven't been around as much, Nickie, but I did want you to know I'm still here reading and checking to see how you're doing. Congratulations on going to the appointment and coming up with a plan for the next couple of weeks. I know you don't fully see it yet, but it sounds like progress to me!

[DogMa]

Nickie, how are you doing?

[bikipatra]

I guess you are busy at work Nickie, but I miss seeing you on the board!

[jlaman79]

Just checking in to see how you're doing. Must be busy....

[nickieluv]

Oh, my very polite friends - if busy means what I think it means, then yes, I've been busy. Busy not trying and not thinking and avoiding this place and myself.

There's no need for the details - it could have been worse, because I did stick with MF every day up until about 4pm, but after that the evenings were back to my usual habits of filling the moments with food.

Then last night, I was checking out the new jewelry samples I got for my business, and of course I had to keep looking at my face in the mirror to see how the necklaces and earrings looked. Well, that was way too much looking at myself. You know it's bad when even jewelry can't make you feel better.

And I just felt sad. Annoyed with myself for this whole week of wasted time. I was looking at my shoulders and neck area and my double chins, and there's not one part of my body left that I can look at and feel thin. It used to be, in the early days, I still had my neck and collarbones and I could look there and feel thin. And then up until recently, I could look at my face and feel pretty. But there was nothing last night at all redeeming.

I was mostly disappointed that I have the answer sitting in my cupboards and I've been ignoring it. The last two nights especially, I was eating just to eat. I wondered what crap I could put in my mouth, anything except an MF meal - that was what I put off limits. I didn't enjoy it and it felt very perfunctory, like I was just doing it to do it, without any real purpose even to my binge. At least I would usually enjoy the taste of the food. But not lately.

So I decided I'd had enough. There is not one food left out there that I haven't said my goodbyes to. Maybe I was just emotionally stocking up for the journey ahead or something. Today I am on plan (as usual for this time of day) but I am going to STAY on plan. I am going to make it through the weekend. I used to think those would be my hardest times, but now I realize it's the nights that are going to get me. The nights when I'm alone and bored. I need to make some plans this weekend for how I can derail my impulses. Maybe I should go look at myself naked when I want to eat something.

I know I have many people here who want to support me and want to see me succeed. I apologize to all of you for this detour. I want it to be the last one. I have a lot of work to do but I need to be stronger than my old habits. I've gotten really good at slowing down the process of over-eating and seeing what I'm doing in advance. So now comes the step of jumping in and stopping the behavior instead of indulging it.