The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[DogMa]

One word: Depends.

[bikipatra]

Nickie-where are you??? Hopefully far away from a jar of pickles!

[nickieluv]

Well, you'd be proud of me I think Biki. I did not have any pickles (although can you believe how long the taste of them lingers? It's been 24 hours and I swear I can still taste them - yuck!) AND I did not have any Pizza Hut - even though it's sitting in my fridge mocking me.

If there was a day so far I was going to lose it, I would have thought today would be it. I have church choir on Thursday nights and it's always been the routine for my mom and sister to come over to watch the baby (my husband works nights) and we all have dinner together - almost always ordering in. Well, since I didn't have rehearsal last week on day 1, today was the first time for this to happen again. They wanted Pizza Hut, which is, next to Chinese, my absolute favorite. (Now who am I kidding? If I only had one favorite I wouldn't have 120 pounds to lose!) Anyway, while they ate that I dutifully had my shrimp and salad - which I had kind of early so I could make it to rehearsal on time.

When I got home, my daughter was still up - an hour past her bedtime - and when I tried to get her to sleep, she was hysterical. She just wanted to be held and she kept touching my face and arm as if to make sure I was still there. It took me over an hour to get her to sleep in her crib, at which point I was late for my last meal. Now, I had figured I wouldn't even get it in at all, so I took my thyroid pill while trying to get her to sleep, so that left out most of my supplements because they're almost all soy. And technically I needed to wait even longer to have it because you're supposed to take the pill on an empty stomach and not eat for an hour. I wound up shaking up some peach tea and coming here - I wasn't waiting any longer and if the darn pill doesn't absorb tonight, oh well.

To write it all down, it doesn't seem so bad, but add to it that on Thursdays I have my busiest day at work and today was the day I had to get up early to get treats ready for the staff (good news - it was ALL eaten, none to bring home!), and it just was a long day. This is where I would say "you've been good for a week, you can have some pizza, it's not going to make a huge difference." And on any other diet, where you count points or calories or whatever, that might even be true. But I know on MF that it would just blow my progress right out of the water. So I am resisting. And you know, other than seeing it right in front of me in the fridge when I was getting my water to make the tea and noticing how thick and cheesy and delicious it looked - out of sight, out of mind. I actually would have had to go out of my way to eat it, rather than having to go out of my way to avoid it. I can't believe I'm saying this!! I'm saying that I would have to FORCE MYSELF to eat PIZZA!!!! Who AM I?!?!?!

I'm here typing and I had my tea and I feel fine. Thirsty, and I have a sore throat/cold coming on, but hunger-wise I feel fine. And the big bad pizza monster will just have to keep being cheesy and delicious for another six months or a year or however long I need to be on this plan - and even then, I can have a piece or two, not a whole pizza to myself!!!!

I just feel strong. I keep saying that, I know. It doesn't mean I'm not going to make any mistakes - last night proves that - but I just think I finally get it. I really believe what's clicked for me is that I just can't have it NOW - nothing is off limits forever. I need to delay my gratification. That's a lesson I need to learn anyway, let alone regarding food. And it's transferring over somewhat. I went shopping for those bed linens the other day and I was looking at new memory foam pillows. They're kind of pricey, but I've been looking at them for a while and since we got the new bed, I thought new pillows would be a good idea. But I looked at them and checked out all the brands and looked at the prices and I just said to myself, "they will still be making these in a week or a month, you don't have to buy them today." I have NEVER said that about spending money before! Of course, I didn't say that about the mega-expensive new bed I just bought, but hey, baby steps.

I am going to make it. As each day goes by and I have more little successes, like the pizza, I am more and more confident. I'm sure at least one person out there can relate - "there's pizza in the fridge? Well, I'm not hungry, but I like how that tastes, so I'm going to eat it before someone else does." But now - it's just different. Now, if they were suddenly going to remove ice cream from the face of the earth I think I'd need to go have a last sundae - but you know, who knows even then?

Off I go for the evening, anxiously awaiting tomorrow, avoiding the scale for the next two days, and hoping for a great Sunday roll call!

[bikipatra]

You are a stronger woman than I am-I would have thrown the pizza out! After I take my sleep meds, I feel too vulnerable...

[nickieluv]

OK, look - I'm trying to be positive here BUT....

I know I said I wouldn't weigh in until Sunday, but then I rethought that because the OLD me would have to avoid the scale so she didn't use whatever the number was as an excuse to cheat. But I'm not looking for excuses to cheat anymore - I want to stay on the plan. So I was curious what the number would be as I started to add in more water and get over the pickle incident.

I was up two more pounds!!! That makes 5 pounds gained back since Sunday. What the h*** is going on? I'm still not going off-plan today but MAN, what am I still doing wrong?!?!?!!?!?

I've been eyeballing my L&G portions - yes, I admit it - but after so many diets I was sure I was getting the right amount. I'll start measuring and maybe I'll see that I was really off, and eating way too much. But I really don't think that's it - but I kind of hope that's it because at least it would be SOME explanation - other than the devil tormenting me.

I mean, come on, this seems kind of cruel to me. I made it through the first days without eating my arm off, I stayed strong (mostly - but I was told my pickle incident should have done no more damage than water retention) even while going back to work, I kept my schedule on track even though life kicked back into high gear after Christmas vacation - and THIS is what happens?

I really hope someone can tell me I'm overreacting and this is somehow normal and one day I'll magically drop ten pounds and laugh at this little episode. But even the new me stepped off the scale today annoyed - the old me would have come downstairs and eaten the d*** pizza!

[bikipatra]

You may have to take my crown away as Miss Fluctuate. It can be normal in the beginning. Medifasting is a delicate but simple science. When we don't play by the rules, no matter how slightly, we never know what can happen. Hate to ask again, but are you sure you are not preggo?

[Serendipity]

Do you think you can't retain 5 pounds of water? I lost 7 pounds my first day on Medifast.....water. I was a regular oasis.

[nickieluv]

Thanks, Jo - I really hope that's it, just the water thing. I thought that might account for a pound or two, but five? Well, you've given me hope. I'll keep trying!

My husband suggested I weigh on the nurse's scale here at school, because it would be more accurate. Sad news - it's the same. Well, three pounds higher, but I figure that could easily be my clothes, so my home scale is looking pretty accurate. I guess that's not such bad news - I don't know what I would have done if there was a huge discrepancy.

Biki, once again, your comment about me being pregnant did occur to me this morning. I certainly don't FEEL pregnant - that little nausea bout has not returned - but I won't know for sure for another 10-12 days. Let me just say I don't participate in the activity that would lead to babies very often at my current size, much to my husband's dismay, and the last time was Christmas, which was not really in the danger zone as far as my cycle, and we used protection because I'm paranoid about getting pregnant right now when I'm finally trying to succeed at losing weight. But it's in the back of my mind - if I really thought it were likely, I'd stop doing MF right now, but I'm going to stick it out until TOM and hopefully that won't be it. If I sound like a horrible person just let me clarify - I would love my baby and enjoy my pregnancy - but at first I'd be disappointed.

Well, I'm off to drink some water and then start my teaching day.

[bikipatra]

Do you think you can't retain 5 pounds of water? I lost 7 pounds my first day on Medifast.....water. I was a regular oasis.

My first time around on Medifast I lost 6 pounds the first day. The same thing on WW.

[Karli]

I am with Jo. I am thinking it's water rentention and those pickies may take a little time to wash out. But don't be discouraged, just stick with it (as written) and you will see it move down. I still stand by my feelings of "it's better to be ON and plateau (or even gain) than to be off doing the same thing". I really feel that way, therefore I think everybody else should, too (ha ha... okay, now I am just having too much fun with this "bossy" thing. I like to try on bigger and bigger shoes until I fall down ). But really, it just feels better and you know that you will lose eventually.

I will admit, for some reason I want you to have a new scale . One that is not a dial but a digital. They can be pretty inexpensive, I got mine for about $15 and I have been pretty happy with it.

It sounds like you have done *great* with the whole pizza thing. And, yes, you are making good headway it seems on separating your old behaviours from your new ones. That can only help with success .


Cheers to you, Nickieluv .

Karli

[nickieluv]

Karli, I was actually thinking about checking out the digital one we have and seeing if maybe I just swapped old batteries for still old batteries or something. Maybe using both scales for a while. The dial one seems to be accurate according to my sleuthing - at least it doesn't give me 50-pound fluctuations! - but I miss having a real number show up in black and grey on the screen. This weekend I'll experiment with it and see what I get. And honestly, it may just be that I weigh too much for the digital to be accurate. It's supposed to be good up to 300 pounds at least, but even at 35 pounds away I may be pushing its limits. We'll see. Maybe I just hate to think I wasted 10 bucks.

Today is going well - I hvae other work I should be doing but surprise surprise, here I am. I may have to not let myself get online at work anymore, if I think it's becoming a problem. Although I will miss it! I don't know how I'll survive only being able to check in once at night!

[Karli]

Black and grey, eh ? Mine is in red . BTW, I absolutely adore being a sleuth . Just saying and thinking that word is *way* cool... hee hee.

Now, don't feel badly about the work thing. I am at work right now too. It's called, I have concerts coming up that I should be *MADLY* ( ) practicing for , but, here I am on the forum. It's my safari ... or my bath... or my whatever it's called. You know, the place people go to get beauty things done to them... oh yes, SPA . This forum is my spa time... hee hee (obviously I never visit the real one). But actually, I fully support you doing what you need to do, even if it means we see less and less of you . I completely understand this.


Cheers,
Karli


[edit] now that I think of it, maybe my digital is also black and grey ? I will check on that tomorrow morning.

[bikipatra]

I will admit, for some reason I want you to have a new scale . One that is not a dial but a digital. They can be pretty inexpensive, I got mine for about $15 and I have been pretty happy with it.




Cheers to you, Nickieluv .

Karli

I TOTALLY agree with Miss Bossy Pants. Those dial scales wiggle too much every time you move. Even an inexpensive digital scale reads the same no matter how many times you get on and off it first thing in the morning. Not that I have ever done that 5-6 times in a row.

[nickieluv]

OK, I'm just going to dive in here. - warning - novel approaching -

I've been a bad, bad girl. (remember Fiona Apple anybody?)

It's kind of an interesting story.

I was hungry today when I got home from work. The baby has had a lingering minor cold for what seems like forever now (dr. said there's nothing we can do but ride it out - me being a teacher I bring home every germ there is and she just has to develop her immune system), and add to that she's getting two more teeth - she cried for an hour straight tonight. I was frustrated - she didn't want anything I offered her, she didn't want to be held - and then finally the teething meds took effect and she was my little lovebug again. I mention all this but I'm not sure if it really has anything to do with why I was bad.

So, I had 3oz of cheese - no carbs and 240 calories. Then I had two mini-bagels (52g carbs) and 2-3 tblsp of PB&J goober grape (where it's all swirled together). These things were bad but they were not a binge by any means. I kept thinking about getting something else from out in the world but I didn't do it - for a while. I put the baby to bed, came downstairs - and the saga begins.

I got out the phonebook, CC, and my phone, to order in. I sat and paged through the menus. Nothing looked good. I thought about how I wasn't really hungry anymore and I didn't need to get anything. I thought about how miserable I would feel afterwards. The devil on my shoulder thought about how I could just get right back on plan tomorrow and maybe it would even be good to have a big meal, extra calories, to shock my system into doing something. Then I got up, put the phone book away, and walked back into the dining room. I had talked myself all out of it. I was golden. But I picked up the phone anyway, and ordered anyway, and ate almost all of it when it got here. Kind of in a detached sort of way.

So of course now I do feel miserable, physically. And I want to get back on plan tomorrow - still afraid of having to start all over again and endure three days of being hungry again. And I don't really understand why I did it after talking myself out of it. I'm trying to find something redeeming in this - like the fact that I held off doing it for about 3 hours or so, that I had logical reasons not to do it even though I didn't listen to myself.

I still feel kind of detached, though. Impartial. Like an observer. I had every reason not to do it, and I did it. I wrestled with it for hours, but I did it.

I'm not looking for anyone to tell me it wasn't that bad, to just get back on the horse - I know what I have to do. But I really wish I knew why I did it. I wish I knew how to delve into the issues that make me sabotage myself and do things that make me ashamed.

I see how it came to this, though. I loosened the rules of MF. I didn't measure my portions. I felt I was probably having too much lean but I shrugged it off as 'I'm big, I should be having more calories and protein, these guidelines can't be right.' Then the pickle incident, knowing in the back of my mind that it wasn't *that* bad, so that made it *almost* legal. Looking back, I can see the trail leading to tonight. Like a lemming jumping off a cliff I followed the food where it led me, even though there were a hundred safe places to get off the track. And in my posts, while I was technically honest about everything, I was being a bit guarded, waiting to see if what I said would be accepted, if anyone would challenge what I was THINKING instead of just what I was doing. Trying to get away with something.

And all my posts and confidence were kind of like camouflage for the lurking binge waiting to sneak up and grab me. I guess I can still rationalize my way with the best of them.

I feel bad, but I'm not beating myself up - I just can't let my guard down. I need more coping mechanisms, and I need to let myself succeed. Do you know how many things I thought of that I could do? Get online here and post about my need for that food - drink a ton of water, have my last supplement, and go to bed early - work on my church music - clean the crap piling up all over the kitchen - call my husband and work and have him 'talk me down' - but I didn't do any of it. Like my night was not going to be complete unless I ate the wrong things. I was so close to not blowing it completely, but for some reason I had to jump off the cliff.

This is all just curious to me. And I'm curious about tomorrow. Because this is how I did myself in last time. On plan a day or two, then skip a meal, then substitute something I shouldn't, finally just give up. I really thought I was in a better place this time. I thought I had the tools. I thought I was ready.

In case this is reading like I'm throwing in the towel, I'm not. I'm disappointed that I was able to fool myself so easily, and that my demons are stronger than I gave them credit for. I'm annoyed with myself for being so whiny and then so puffed up and then so needy and for losing sight of helping other people. I haven't had a really good post on someone else's thread in a few days - I've been self-absorbed and just putting on a show. I've been watching the scale and wondering 'why me?' I've been more concerned about what this place could do for me than what I could do to help others. I may not know much about the plan but I'm a human being, I can certainly extend a helping hand.

Well, this has probably gone on long enough. I don't know what I'll do about coming here tomorrow, or this weekend. I'm not sure how I will feel in the morning about everything. I have this way of turning off all my emotions when something big happens that I don't want to deal with. I think I've done that - I just feel sort of numb. But I'll be back - I just need to process and think, and I don't know how long that will take.

[Karli]

*Motherly but stern voice*

Okay, I don't know everything to say right now because I have to process this with you. But, I want you to know that I am right here with you , you are going to be just fine, I care about you, and your family and friends love you, and you are going to wake up in the morning and get your butt right back on program wihtout even thinking twice about it (the more water you drink, the less hungry you feel). You know exactly how to do that, and you are perfectly capable and strong.

This one time, don't think, you can do that later. Act on your new habits and eat your shake or whatever other MF meal in the morning, rely on who you have become this past week and a half -- she's there for you, too (and very ready for you). I know what I want... and I won't let this incident trick me into thinking I have given up, because I haven't (that's you saying that ).

Please drink some water, too, and please come back and read this post (mine, not yours (don't read that for awhile)) in the morning (I will summon you to it, you will not resist it, and you will come and read this as soon as you get the chance . First thing is ideal). You are taking to heart every word, because it resonates with you and you can feel it .

You will know why this happened soon enough, but don't try to figure it out right now. You don't have to respond to this post, just promise yourself (for me) that you will read it .

Get some sleepies .


ps- this post has nothing to do with my silly jokes about being "bossy". I am not joking around this time.