The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Karli]

Hi, Nickie . Good to read your words . I don't even feel the need to point anything out or to be "bossy" with you. Everything is indeed just right there in front of you. There is something about you that I just will never give up on (and I think you will not either), and, though I feel I run the risk of those words adding pressure to you, I also feel that the reality of what I am saying is more important and eventually stronger than anything else those words might bring to you.

You know, it's just you. That's what we each get. We get our own self. Quite a deal, eh ? Believe me, I know it's bitter-sweet at first. But, it's you and life, Nickie (just like it's me and life). It's fun though , I promise , becuase life is long and full and there are other people here, too. Look at the fact that you have met these people here on this forum whom genuinely care about you and whose lives you have touched by expressing yourself as you have. You met us just by living your life. Just by glimpsing more of who you are and want to be, and by taking some steps in that direction. That kind of blessing doesn't end and that's something we can experience everyday. And, we get better and better at experiencing that, too.

Beauty is part of who we are, and it's part of who you are. Happiness is part of who we are, and it's part of who you are. Love is part of who we are, and it's part of who you are.

Just right here .


Karli

[bikipatra]

I believe you can do it, Nickie.

[DogMa]

Exactly. And don't ever apologize to us for something like this. You're trying. We know it's hard, and we know you're struggling, and there is absolutely nothing to apologize for.

I know you've started seeing a professional, but are you much of a reader? There are a lot of books out there on compulsive eating ... I know you don't think this is an eating disorder, but it certainly sounds like it is to me. Maybe you could pick up a book on it? It might even be something to do in those afternoons/evenings when you feel your resolve slipping away.

Good luck, and keep working at it. The problem's not going to disappear overnight, but you WILL make progress.

[nickieluv]

Thanks, Karli. I know what to do, but I have to let myself do it. I always appreciate your posts. Sometimes - most of the time - you have a way of saying just the things I needed to hear. Today you made me smile.

Biki, thank you for believing in me. It really was in the back of my mind these last few days that there would be people looking for me, wondering where I was and hoping I was OK. That's why I didn't let myself come here. Part of me didn't want to stop the behavior, so I avoided the boards knowing that I would read something that would make me think about what I'd been doing.

Robin, do you have any specific books you'd recommend? I'm usually always into a book, but lately I haven't been 'in the mood' for the ones I have. I'd certainly be willing to read about this. I hate to call it an eating disorder but like I said, maybe I'm not defining that correctly. If an eating disorder is just about using food inappropriately and expecting it to do something it can't, then I guess I have one. But I always think of anorexia or bulimia when I think of eating disorders. The counselor recommended 'Self Matters' by Dr. Phil, too, so I might look at that one. I wonder if the library would have these types of things? I'll do a search later on today. Free is good!

Well, I have one more class today - I can't believe the day is almost over! Have I mentioned I love Fridays at work? I believe I have. Well, all this water - you know - gotta go for now.

Thanks again, everybody. I really mean it. I appreciate that you're sticking it out with me. I actually feel like, even though I've never met any of you, there are people out there in my corner. It's a nice feeling. Aren't there conventions or something where we can put a face to a name? Or am I crossing over into stalker territory now?

[bikipatra]

I think the Overeaters Anonymous website would be a GREAT place for you to start. They have a bookstore and things you can read online. The address is triple w dot oa dot org

[Serendipity]

There are two books that I've seen recommended: "Fattitudes" and "Reprogramming the Overweight Mind".

I haven't read them, so I can't give you first hand knowledge, but I've heard rave reviews from people who have.

I think you can get both on Amazon dot com

[bikipatra]

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you....

[nickieluv]

Well - back on plan today, come hell or high water. I'm having trouble already eating enough - I haven't gone over 4 hours but I've only had 2 supplements so far today. I'm going to have to have the rest pretty close together, although that may not be a bad thing given that in about two hours I'm going to get crazy munchies if the past is any indicator.

This will be day 1 on plan, WHEN I complete it - not if. Enough stalling! I thought about just saying I was on plan even though I wasn't, because I was so sick of saying how I cheated. But if I can't be honest here, what good am I doing myself?

I posted a loss of 1.7 pounds today - a miracle, no other explanation. But I cannot continue this behavior and have these results - if I could, I'd be at my ideal weight already! I got the WW scale some people recommended, which was $35!!!!! - but weighs to the tenth of a pound so I figure that will be more motivating for me, to be able to see smaller increments and maybe see a loss when before it wouldn't register on my scale. So a pricey scale, but I've spent more, and at least this one seems to work reliably. It also stores the last five weights, so I'll save once a week on Sundays and maybe when I'm feeling discouraged or tempted that will be another help, to see where I've come from.

The loss keeps me below my graphline, which has me reaching 199 by mid-August of this year. Sooner would be fabulous! But I am right now just happy that I'm still below the magic line. I am looking forward to getting on track and staying there.

I put in a request for several books from the library, including Fattitudes (the other one Jo suggested didn't come up on any search), Self Matters, and then some other ones about compulsive/emotional eating, and even one about how to change your life, not your weight (I think about being happy at the size you are). Not that I want to stay fat, but Karli has said before that I can have good things right now, and enjoying my life may lead to more of a confident attitude about my ability to take control.

Grocery shopping is happening today, and actually right after I post here I'm going to make a list of things for my L&G. Chicken and broccoli will get boring fast, I'm sure. I'm hoping DH will help me again this week by us cooking up all my meals at once today and having them ready.

I am worried about today. I have to remember that it's OK to have an extra supplement if the alternative is binging or going off plan in any way. And I wonder if I've gleaned the correct information - that my meals don't have to be evenly spaced? Can I have them farther apart in the morning and closer together at night when I have a hard time? If I do that, should it only be temporary, and should my goal be a more even distribution of the calories? That's what I've shot for so far, but in these first days back on I think I will stretch them out when I'm not hungry and squeeze them all in when I am.

Well, I asked DH to give me until 2:15 to finish up, and it's 2:03, so finishing early will be a nice surprise for him. Off I go!

[bikipatra]

I thought that we were supposed to have a supplement within one hour of waking up in the morning and then every 2.5-3 hours. I think we are not supposed to space them out too much because we can become hungry and rob our bodies of fuel. It is okay to have an extra shake/supplement if needed if extra hungry at any time, but sounds like you may need it at night. Also, if you starve yourself during the day you are helping SET UP an attack of the munchies later on, right?

[DogMa]

Yeah, have one soon after waking up, and then 2.5 to 3 hours apart. But you can go up to 4 hours between meals if you need to and aren't hungry early on, and then have 'em maybe every 2 hours later on when you're struggling. That oughta be fine.

Sorry I didn't come back here about the books - I wasn't online much the past couple of days. Sounds like you got some suggestions, though. (And yes, I'd say an eating disorder is treating food inappropriately, including using it to fill emotional needs, bingeing, etc. I think most of us here have one, in varying degrees.) I don't know any specific books, anyway. But I looked on Amazon under "compulsive eating," which I think sounds very much like the episodes you've described, and it turned up quite a few suggestions. So if you need any more suggestions, I'd probably browse there and see what strikes a chord.

Good luck, Nickie!!

[dede4wd]

Just checking to see how you're doing today!

DeDe

[nickieluv]

Still having troubles getting in just one single on-plan perfectly compliant day. I am letting myself be sidetracked - in fact, I'm almost seeking out the detours. And I am making the excuse that I have so much mental work to do that I really NEED the food because it's how I cope, and I have a lot to deal with right now.

On the (slightly) plus side - I haven't ordered in, and I haven't been eating nearly as much as I usually would because of that. I'm just raiding the cupboards somewhat.

I have been obviously giving myself permission to behave this way. I start every day compliant, but after two or three supplements I cave. It's not quite the same as before. Instead of thinking about what I really want to eat, imagining the taste and planning to order it, there hasn't really been anything I've wanted. It's been more like I'm trying to come up with something to eat to avoid the supplements and staying on plan. I actually kind of wanted my salad with grilled chicken strips last night, but I couldn't have it because that would mean staying on plan and I couldn't let myself do that. It's similar to what started happening last time, but this time around it just took longer to get to this stage. Progress, I guess?

Karli and Gavin got me thinking today. Gavin about how badly I really want this - Karli about why I don't want this. I have a theory that even though I say otherwise, I think that losing weight will make a huge difference in my life and my happiness. That's a lot of pressure, because if I lose weight and nothing changes, then I'll really have work to do. If I just blame it on the fat then I don't have to really address the issues that are hindering my marriage and my professional life.

I told my husband the other night how depressed I get when I consider that in my whole life, I don't remember ever trying my best at something. I have excelled but I'm just sliding by. The same force as the fat is at work there, I think - if I really try and then I fail, I'll be devastated. But if I don't try and fail, then I can always say it's because I didn't try. I don't understand how I've gotten this far on it. Academically, I kept waiting for things to get harder and they never did - I got by and got my master's degree and still never felt I truly earned it and had to work for it.

So my husband basically says 'boo hoo, I try and fail all the time and that's worse,' and I know a lot of people would be annoyed at me for complaining about something like this. But it's all about not living the best life I can. This Dr. Phil book, Self Matters, starts off talking about how we cheat ourselves when we just go through the motions of life and don't really leave our comfort zone to get exactly what we want. And I can't get past the first 10 pages of the book because it scares the piss out of me. Am I ready for these kinds of changes? Am I ready to take control and stop hiding behind food and apathy? Do I have it in me to completely reinvent the way I feel about my life? I've always believed that I was a reasonably happy and content person. Now, I don't think I really am, but I've felt I was because I thought that's how I was SUPPOSED to feel. I followed a path many would envy but was it the path I really needed and wanted?

There are some things I cannot change - my husband, my family life - and I don't think I want to change those anyway. I'm not looking to escape my husband - although I often think I am, and I think that's just another layer of being able to blame someone else for how I'm feeling about life. Maybe Self Matters isn't the book for me - or maybe it's not about changing, but just realizing what I've done in the past and making sure that from now on, I am living honestly with myself.

I do wish we'd had a snow day today - it was not pleasant scraping off the car, we've been so lucky here that this was the first time all year I've had to do it. But on the other hand, I'm not sure I could have gotten this far on plan without work. I like being at work. There are no alternatives and I just have my shakes and that's that. Nothing to debate, that's just how it is. I need to carry that attitude home with me.

So today I have piano lessons until 6, and the baby goes to bed around 7 - so my plan is L&G at 6, and then cocoa after she's asleep, and then head my big butt upstairs and go to bed. I know that seems really early, but I'll take my self-help tome up there with me and read for a bit if I just can't sleep. But being downstairs watching TV is something that I connect with eating, and I need to remove the stimulus entirely. Thursday I have a department meeting and church choir to keep me busy, so the plan will be about the same. And Friday I volunteered to help out at school from 6 to 8, so dinner will be a little earlier but basically the same. That just leaves tomorrow to plan out before I face the weekend. I like Wednesdays because I can just go home and I don't have anything to do all night. Good for my brain, bad for my diet - so if I can make it through today then hopefully tomorrow will be easier to stay compliant.

Well, I have more classes to teach today - work, you know, gotta earn the big bucks - and I probably won't check back in if everything goes according to plan and I'm in bed early. But I hope tomorrow I can post a great big "I WAS COMPLIANT" when I get here.

[bikipatra]

Nickie I am convinced that you will have a compliant day when you decide to have one, one supplement at a time, every three hours, no matter how much it hurts or how unpleasant it is or what your head is telling you. Terminal uniqueness will kill us everytime. You have to want it ENOUGH. I have SIX or so diagnosed mental/emotional illnesses. Can you imagine what my head tells me on a daily basis? Sorry if that seems harsh. No, you know what, I am not. That is a lie. That is what I firmly believe and I know based on our previous relationship you would not want me to sugar-coat anything for you.

[Sojourner]

...if I really try and then I fail, I'll be devastated.

But Nickie, that's the only way we really have of learning and growing! Failing something does not make YOU a failure. Failures are just practice shots, and are not the same thing as defeat. The only one who can defeat you IS you. So, if you fall down, get up. That's what success is - when you keep getting up.

You really don't think that after you reach goal, your life will be absolutely perfect, do you? That's prolly never gonna' happen - for any of us. How boring would that be anyway? No matter what your weight is, you will eventually have to address the issues you have in the different areas of your life.

Biki's right - you have to decide. You.

[Karli]

This just seemed relevent to me :

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

--Theodore Roosevelt, 1910