The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[DogMa]

I'm WAY late chiming in on this, and I'm already running late this morning, but ... April 21. Worst day of the year, EVERY year since 1994. The day my mom died. (And in second place? Tomorrow, June 10, since 1992. The day I lost my dad.) Sure, I went on with my life. But it's never been the same. Not even close.

[nickieluv]

I'm sorry, Robin. 'Moving on' doesn't mean the hole isn't there. My grandmother lived to be almost 88, my mom is in good health, and she's losing weight really well with Medifast. Not as fast as she could be, because she eats out once a week (and doesn't believe me when I tell her that's exactly why she's always starving), but she is really good at sticking with a diet and she's starting to look really good. And she's happy. Anyway, I hope I don't have to live without either my mother or my father anytime soon. I only get to see my Dad a few times a year, even though he only lives about 80 minutes away - in the winter his driveway is impassable. Although that has nothing to do with anything. I'm just rambling.

I forced myself to have a shake this morning, and we are all going for a walk just as soon as I finish reading and posting here. I don't like to start the day MF'ing because I figure I won't make it to the end of the day, and that's disheartening. That's why I'm always waiting for the lightning bolt of inspiration before I start. But I walked upstairs to put the clothes in the dryer and my legs felt impossibly heavy - it feels like it's going to be hot and muggy today and that kind of weather is awful when you're so fat - and the very fact that just this simple walk sounds like too much work is what's making me force myself to do it. If I don't make a change, nothing will ever change. It's not going to be magic. I have to do the work. Maybe now that I am taking credit (and responsibility, the flip side of that coin) for the things that I accomplish, I can take more control of staying on plan and realize that it's not circumstances that make me fail, it's my choices. Doesn't Unca have that in his signature - 'failure is a choice?' Well, that's not to say that uncontrollable events might not get in the way - my house could burn down with all my MF inside and that would certainly knock me off the plan in a hurry - but even then, I could make the decision to eat carefully and do my best in a bad situation.

Well, I have lots more to read, and the weather is only going to get hotter the longer I put off this walk. Talk to you all later.

[Karli]

Hi Nickie,

I very much understand what you wrote about regarding not wanting to start the day on MF when you feel like you won't make it to the end, and how disheartening that can be ! That is *exactly* what I did for just about every, single day since towards the end of my March trip to Utah (last week of March), with exception of making it through a day or few in a row, here and there. It's *so* easy to get stuck in a rut that way ! But, you know what ? When I came back here and posted about that, and it was a day#1, just like many days before that, you were kicking butt on program and you said to me that "as the all time procrastinator and cheater, I am here to say it's possible" and I believed you, and it somehow very much encouraged me. And, I say a similar thing to you right now ! There may not be a lightning bolt ! It may just be that all you have to do is simply stay the course for the whole day, calmly, quietly, trustingly, you know ? Why not ?

Anyway, whether it sticks this particular day or not, I know that you can do it ! Please have a good day .

[nickieluv]

Well, the MF part of my day didn't stick, but I am proud to say that I did almost everything else on my list today.

I did go for a walk with the girls - 26 minutes! Ask me to do that long on the treadmill and I'd be bored silly, but it actually seemed like a quick walk. I couldn't believe it when I checked my phone towards the end and saw the time. And the girls loved it - the scenery, the fresh air - I really do want to make that a more common event this summer. There's no reason we can't do that 4 or 5 days a week as long as it's not raining. And I did enjoy the time with them, and the time outside in the sun, even if it was really hot and even if I did end up all sweaty and gross.

I also made my phone calls - two of the most important ones anyway. No longer hanging over my head. And I spent a long time working on church music for next year - ordering some new solo collections (I have a goal of getting my choir members to be more confident as solo singers, even if I have to somewhat force the issue) and planning rehearsals and performances for the whole year. Now I just have to pick the pieces, and I asked my husband if I could leave him with the girls tomorrow and go to the church to do just that. I would LOVE to have the whole calendar done and be able to hand it out to everyone on Sunday. Then that would not be hanging over my head the rest of the summer.

I didn't work on my counseling homework. I had great ideas for positive thoughts at and after my appointment on Saturday, but I have not been able to think anything very positive since then. I knew I should have written them down as soon as I got home! But it will come.

Oh - and I vacuumed and did laundry. Bonus achievements for the day.

My anger about my weight is giving way to sadness. And that's not nearly as motivating. That leads more to wallowing, which isn't good. I just keep getting bigger every day. It's horrible. I've done very well at not getting discouraged, but I think I've reached my limit of peppiness or denial or whatever it is. I just feel sick. Big. Stretched out. And bit by bit things feel more hopeless every day that I pig out.

I know it's not hopeless, though. I can do this. I don't know how many times I have to experience the total derailment of all my progress before I will realize that I need to get on and stay on, and not allow myself to take a meal or a day off. I keep trying to bargain with myself - if I stay on for 'x' number of day then I can have a 'treat' - as if losing weight were not treat enough. But when I know I could diet for six months and lose 60 pounds and still look awful and be over 200 pounds - well, it's hard to remember sometimes that you start feeling good after only a few days. It seems like I'll never feel good until I'm under 200, and that is so far away.

I am not having the right thoughts right now so I'm going to nip this in the bud, take a nice relaxing shower, and go to bed. I'll deal with the doctor tomorrow - I thought a hundred times in the last two days that I should cancel the appointment, but I'll deal with it. I'm in a bad mood right now but if I don't go and get this taken care of, I'll regret it in a few days or a week when I'm feeling better about things. (PMS mood swings - never had a single problem with PMS, but then I had kids. Whole different monster now.)

I'll check in sometime tomorrow - when depends on how the day shapes up. We could end up pretty busy if we go to story time at the library in the morning, too. But my goals for tomorrow - make the remaining phone call I didn't get to today, and finish the church music calendar. I don't know what I want to do about MF tomorrow, so I'm not making any goals regarding that. Perhaps if I don't build it up too much in my mind, I will just sort of end up having a good day by default.

[sidrah]

Better not to make promises because they might not come to fruition and then you would feel worse.

Trying is the first step, doing is next. Eventually all the steps lead to the finish line.

I used to love going to the library. I would just sit on the floor and read for hours. When I got older and was teaching K, every book was a theme and I would sit there and make up these lessons forever in my mind. I love books. Gets me to another world.

I know what you are saying about the "6 months and look how much I still have to do" thought. I had it, too, then I just kept thinking, do it til next summer and see if it was worth it then. Make all the cool plans for next year. Then, I go on mymedifst and look at pictures and see the time it took them to lose that much. I wonder if 50 pounds makes a big difference and looking at the pictures helps a lot.

[Karli]

Hi Nickie ! I just *love* it when I actually get stuff on my list accomplished ! There was a time when I would spend the first half an hour (to an hour !) of each morning typing up lists for the day and week and then printing them out, checking things off as they got done. For a while it worked great (and I still need lists, for sure), but I started making them SO HUGE that I never got everything done and would get discouraged ! I started putting "complete list" as an item on the list ... ha ha. Anyway, I understand about putting off phone calls ... I am a Queen of that ! Hope that today is super productive for you .

You know, I was thinking a little bit about the whole MF stuff and deciding to be on and whatnot. I think that part of what happens when people overeat or overuse anything, is some kind of wire crossing mix up or so. There is some kind of unhappiness that causes the seeming need to eat, because in that state of mind, it seems like food and eating more will somehow make us happier. Then we eat and eat and get more miserable actually ! And in that same frame of mind, it can seem as though we are being deprived by not getting what we want when we want it, and basically not eating the same ways we have been (which was actually making us miserable). It can be difficult to get the wires connected to the right things !

For me right now, I see that going off program = misery. Period. No matter what excuses I have come up with in the past (with one exception of exercising a lot and eating right), it has always amounted to that. It's been two years (or more ?) for me, and it's taken me that long to really come to grips with the reality of that ! For a long time I thought it was different, I thought that going off = happiness, but it never did ! It will be the same in maintenance, where I will have to have some kind of structure or "program" to my eating day, and going away from that will = misery. Okay, maybe "staying the course" can be miserable at times, but it is nothing compared to feeling out of control with my eating and feeling like I am stewing in my own fat and self-loathing ! I at least see now that sticking to program = the right track.

I may not have a perfect record from here on out, I'm human !, but I know that if I don't, I will just have to come to the same exact realizations again that I just posted about in the paragraph above. It *always* comes back to that !

I know that you are working some stuff out in terms of feeling like you deserve happiness (and even if you are on the right track, it certainly doesn't guarantee lasting happiness !), but think about this : The underlying reason "we" resort to food is because we somehow think it makes things better, like it makes us happier. Why do we deserve that happiness if not a healthful one ? Either we think we do deserve happiness of some sort, and are just going about it the wrong way and need to get that re-wired, or we think we deserve to be miserable and are eating because we actually know it breeds misery ! Either way, at some point we have to decide to stop being miserable, and adjust our lives accordingly !

Anyway, I wish you the best today ! I hope you don't mind too much that I am responding in your thread so much, I think maybe you have a lot that you are dealing with right now in that head of yours. But, I can't help it, I care about you !

[DogMa]

Hey, Nicks, just wondering if you're OK.

[nickieluv]

Thanks for checking up on me, Robin! And Karli, you can post as much as you want, as often as you want. It's all good stuff!

I had an unusually busy week last week - it was all prep work for upcoming events - the end of choir and bell choir season at church, getting things prepared for next year, working on recital programs for two different events - every time I was on the computer I was working.

I have not been on plan but I am fresh on today, and staying on. I just needed the proper motivation.

I thought maybe I was 'in the family way' last weekend. Turned out to be a false alarm but I couldn't believe how sad I was when my period began. So never mind about the birth control pill, I'm going on plan for 110 days and at that time I will do an abbreviated transition (taking a month to go through the stages) as we start trying for real. I swear to everyone here (and myself) that I am going to do a MUCH better job with pregnancy #3 - I will not let myself go out of control with my eating. I will follow the outline for a maintenance plan but add a few hundred extra calories (I think you need 300 extra when you're pregnant, but you know me - I'll do the research and have it down!)

I have already wanted to have a sandwich or something several times today, but I just keep looking at my motivator (a picture of my oldest when she was a newborn, which I'm using with number cards as a flip chart counting down to the big day). It's helping. It doesn't seem like such a long time right now.

My attitude about vacation has changed - I was looking forward to all the restaurants and ice cream since the food is 'free' sort of with Disney throwing in the dining plan. But now, since we're not paying for the food anyway, I'm going to eat one meal a day and not worry about what I have, but spend the rest of the day on plan. I know I won't be in ketosis and I probably won't lose anything that week, but it sounds like a good compromise to me. I can enjoy the sit-down restaurants and the rest of the time be on my best behavior - which might mean extra supplements but most likely I'll focus on drinking lots of water. And my other meals can be used by the rest of my family, so they won't be wasted and no one will go hungry.

I am really excited. Of course my goal is to be under 200 at the end of the 110 days, but no matter where I am I will be in much better shape than I am now. And I'm trying to pull out my supplements for the day first thing in the morning, and just eat what is on the table instead of searching through the cupboards and boxes. Doing that puts other foods right in my line of vision - so I'm going for simplicity here.

I am at 269.4 today - I don't feel awful about that after two full weeks off plan - heck, I'm still down a couple of pounds at least. I know Sunday that weight will be much better.

Day after day I just floated along, saying I'd start MF 'tomorrow,' and even today I almost didn't start. But it's time. I have an exact limit to how long I will be eating this way - and my goal is that after the baby is born, when I stop breastfeeding (which will hopefully last a lot longer with the next one - I keep hoping one of these times my body will work right!), I will be within 10 pounds of what I weigh at conception. And at that point I'll go back on MF and get to goal and never look back!!

I know - there I go with the long-term plans. But I really am just looking at MF as one day at a time - at the end of each day I get to flip my little number chart over (I could go into so much detail on how I made this thing - I love projects and this was my project last night and it's REALLY cute I think) and slowly but surely I will make my way to October 4th (which BabyCenter says will be the beginning of my 'ovulation window' in that month, so that's where I got the 110 days from - I figure now that I have two kids born in July, I should really try to have the 3rd then and keep it consistent! )

[oksoonergirl26]

You sound like you have lots of progress with your demons-good for you! Swimsuit is in the mail tomorrow. The package is address and waiting to be picked up!!! Your plan for surviving Disney sounds good-let everyone know how that works out.

[nickieluv]

Thanks, Sooner. I still hope I'll be in that 16 in two months!! It could happen, right?

Today was tough but also, I made it through by staying focused on my goal. That sounds so cheesy - but it's true. Suddenly 110 days doesn't seem so long, when before even a week on plan seemed impossible. It helps that I can look back and see how quickly the time has gone since last July (and bemoan how I could be at goal now if only - but it's best not to think that way!). I can do this for 110 days and I have to do it - time is running out in some ways.

However - it was not true today that being on plan got me to bed on time. I'm going to be starving in the morning, I know it. I last ate 5 hours ago - but I am loathe to have an extra supplement. I suppose I should, just before bed - because it would be worse to have a horrible day tomorrow because of setting myself up like this. I was up because of Disney, of course - I get so caught up in making plans and doing research that I forget I need sleep.

But, I'm going to bed now - and having a shake before I do. I hope that's the right thing to do - we'll find out in the morning I guess!

[nickieluv]

I've said it before and I'll say it again - when it comes to weight loss, men are just freaks of nature. I hate them.

I am doing fine today. I have cash in the house and yep, I had the thought of spending it on something greasy and fattening. But I actually laughed at myself a bit and said 'what's wrong with you?' I have the strength to stick to this diet and no stupid food is going to get the better of me!

[nickieluv]

Oh - I did have the extra shake last night. I'm glad I did, because my infant daughter decided to let me sleep in today - until almost 10!! That would have meant I'd gone 14 hours without eating - since I had the shake, it was less than 9 hours. The scale is kind this morning so I think it was the right thing to do.

I am racing to the bathroom, of course, with all the water leaving my system - more so since it was a bit warmer the last week, and I was swelling up in my ankles so there was extra water to say goodbye to. But it's nice already to RUN up and down the stairs and not be huffing and puffing. Not sure what that's all about, except that I'm not weighed down with thick, hard-to-digest food. But I like it, anyway!

And I created another Disney ticker. Can't help it. My goal is to be in the 220s by the time we leave - but I won't care if I'm not, as long as I have reached my primary goal of not cheating ONCE between now and then. I can do this!

On the L&G front - I told my husband that if dinner is L&G compatible, I'll eat a L&G - if not, I won't. Keeps things really simple. Still laying out my supplements for the day first thing in the morning, and that is working GREAT. It takes all the stand-and-stare-in-the-cupboard time out of my day, and keeps me away from the fridge, too - because invariably when I stare in the cupboard and don't see what I want, I look in the fridge.

Feeling great, but have to pee AGAIN so off I go!!

[DogMa]

Sounds like you're doing well, Nickie! I'm glad you had the extra shake, too. It's way better than waking up starving!

Nice on the stairs, too. Heck, run up and down for the bathroom enough, and you just did cardio!

[oksoonergirl26]

Yay nickie!!! I was laughing at the bedtime thing. Now that I am out of school I having a harder time occupying myself, so I have been taking naps to avoid eating during the afternoon! It's a good thing I don't have to run up the stairs to the bathroom or I would probably cut my water back to 2 liters a day.

[nickieluv]

I'm only drinking 2 liters a day right now and I'm STILL running up there a heck of a lot! But I know that tapers off eventually - and when it does, I'll try to add in a third liter (which is always my goal, but I haven't had the stamina! ).

It's past midnight again - but I already had my 'extra' supplement today. I had a L&G and as usual, it made me want to eat everything in sight. I had a supplement, then my L&G about 45 minutes later (because I was very off-schedule due to sleeping in so late today). A couple hours after that I had what was supposed to be my last meal, but then after both girls were in bed I got the munchies so I had another packet. It's been about three and a half hours since then - but I am NOT having another one! I'm going to bed right now, I swear.

This was not unexpected - but I am not losing what I gained back in the last two weeks. I knew this would happen - always, always when I go off, the weight sticks around a lot longer than it did the first time. I will be lucky if I lose two pounds by Sunday - but I did this to myself. It's not about the number, it's about making progress and NOT cheating - and I do not consider the extra supplement yesterday cheating, beacuse I had been up so long. I suppose the extra supplement today was a cheat, but it didn't feel like one emotionally. It felt like a smart choice to have another supplement. If we'd had pickles, I would have had a legal snack - but we had nothing of the kind in the house. So I did the best I could. Then again, maybe having the extra supplement is keeping the weight from coming off....

I could analyze to death, most of you know that about me by now - but I'm going to move my little flip chart another day and go to bed and get ready to have a great day tomorrow. Piano recital time again for my students - I think it will be a really good one, I'm looking forward to it. There are always goodies there, though, so if it turns out that I'm going to need a meal while I'm there I have a yummy bar to take with me!