The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Karli]

Yes, but don't let it trick you, Nickie ! You are smarter than it ! Please bear in mind what it has taken you to achieve what you have, that has not come easily, either ! And, that voice that tries to tempt always promises, ALWAYS, that you can just hop right back on without missing a beat and that everything will be JUST fine ! That's it's main hook-line, you know ? "You know you want it, you deserve it, and what will it hurt ? Afterward you can just keep going as though nothing ever happened !" NO !! That's just not how it works ! Never, never, never !! It's a HUGE liar ! See beyond the craving ... a person has to be willing to see beyond the craving, you know ? And, you have SO much information from the past couple of years to help you know what deciding to step off would be like ... it's NOT different this time ... it's NEVER different ... at least not now ! Not until YOU actually control it, which means you go the distance, reach goal, and achieve what you have started -- you DO deserve THAT !!

[nickieluv]

You always know just what I need to hear it seems!

It wouldn't be different this time, it wouldn't be easy, I'm not in control yet, and this is just my old fear of success or my emotional eating or my bratty rebellious streak that is trying to undermine the mature, rational, successful me!!

15 minutes until supplement time, I can keep going step by step today and I will win!

[Karli]

Yes, that's right. And, I don't know if it is maybe somewhat the same for you when you pass into another "decade" of weight, but for me, once I do that, it's like I start thinking ... hey, I wouldn't mind hanging out here for awhile ... look, I'm in the 50's now (or whatever it is), if I go off plan for a bit, I know I can just get right back on and in a few days I will be back in the 50's ... I will still have passed that threshold. It's like getting to that point again, in the same weight bracket, tricks me into feeling like I am succeeding (again !) at something (that I have *already* succeeded at !).

Or (and this is REALLY stupid), I actually get kind of longing or something to leave one 'decade' as though that fat were a baby I was carrying around and I just gave birth to it, and I miss being pregnant (boy, I am revealing all now ... LOL). That's rather embarrassing, but it's something like that, and it just shows how silly these things can be !! Related to that is that I definitely relate being chubbier as some sort of "protective" layer ... that's a big issue for me, actually !! I get scared to shed the protective layers and I want to cling to them ... Nope. That won't work, either ! There may be some things worth looking into when it comes to all of this, but it doesn't mean that those are good excuses for stepping off ! Whether there are real issues or not, that mental talk to do something besides stay the course is STILL a bunch of BS !

Keep pluggin', you're doing great and you can TOTALLY do this !

[sidrah]

I was out of town for a few days and knew you would have some exellent reading when I got back! So glad you are making the plans long-term. You are way better than I am at that. It's good that you can stick with it. I think sometimes maybe having a meal once a day or every other day will be better in the long run. I don't think you can live forever on 600 calories a day and it might help you in the long run.

I am no expert, obviously, so do whatever works for you, but I don't think you should be afraid of eating a piece of chicken or lettuce. You are doing what you know will work for you, so that is great. The other great thing you are doing is not beating yourself up over having the wrong thing and just quitting completely or getting so depressed you have a 10 piece chicken McNugget meal. You are doing so well at keeping up with it depsite little missteps along the way. Congrats on the changes so far.

[nickieluv]

Thanks guys for 'talking me down' today. It didn't entirely work and I didn't want to admit that, but if I don't have my honesty, what good is all this? I won't go into details, I do feel incredibly icky, and I didn't even follow my own advice to get right back on tonight. I have a massive headache and feel seriously lethargic. No surprises there. I want to finish out this week on the 6&0 but after that I think I need to go back to 5&1. At least part of the time. I don't think I'm eating enough and it's making me very irritable and lazy.

The fat is definitely protective. It keeps me safe. It keeps me inviolate, physically. I do not have to be a sexual being when I am fat (even though I am trying to change that particular fear right now). And I look at people on TV and in movies and I see how small they are, their arms and legs, every part of these women seems so diminutive compared to me - and I think that I will feel completely naked all the time without my large body to hide me. Major attachment to the fat, I guess, even though I hate it I also love it at times.

I won't say that I hope I'll be back on tomorrow. I just have to do it. I can be scared and still act. I think the 'naked' feeling is more about my emotions than my body. These layers of fat are actually hiding me from myself. I am trying to do this counseling work to change long-held beliefs about myself, and that is very scary too. I don't like to put myself out there - I like to be isolated, to hide. You'd think that being on stage and teaching and being up in front of people (all of which I have no problem with and sometimes even adore doing) would be at odds with hiding, but when I do those things I am taking on a character so I'm not really putting myself on that stage, but someone else. I don't know what I'm going to find inside myself. I secretly believe that I am the worst person on Earth, and that every part of my life is just an attempt to hide my horribleness from others and myself with layers of deception and trickery.

Lots of issues here. I guess it's a miracle I have a good job and a great family and function so well. But are those also window-dressing? Who am I really if you take absolutely everything away? And I'm afraid that's exactly what I'm going to have to do in order to 'fix' me. I was willing to take the plunge, and so I had a good week - then reality caught up to me?

But all of this is speculation and I don't need to keep putting off the inevitable. It will takes months and months to remove all my fat layers so I can still hold on to lots of my protection as I do the emotional work. And feeling good about myself has to be a positive step where that is concerned as well.

It's late - I'm headed off to bed finally. Very tired. Looking forward to a day of good choices tomorrow - maybe even a nap if I can swing it with both girls. This is important to me - losing weight is very important to me. Today is not me. Not the me I want to be. I want to believe that all this 'window-dressing' is really me, and I'm not some kind of monster underneath. The only way to know is to peel away the layers.

[sidrah]

Totally get everything you are saying. Also, Hollywood = airbrushing, but I know what you mean.

And you have to know you are nowhere near the worst person in the world and not even in the worst period of time in your life. I agree that you might want to look into having a meal a day or getting creative with some of the meals so that you can play with ingredients. I had you in mind when I posted my last message about the recipes. Maybe add in a little of the Lean and green into each of the 5 MF meals and then you are having 5 more substantial meals than you have been, but not really havigna lean and green, you know? Like, add in some brocolli to the soup or chunks of chicken to the soup or the eggs can get some cheese or a MSF sausage. I think I am going to do it that way and get in the totals for the day, but when I have the kale chips or soup chips, have a small piece of cheese with it.

Crankiness certainly comes with hunger.

I also get what you are saying about standing up in front of a room teaching. I think it is because we are so comfortable and content in knowing how to do what we do and in this whole weight arena, not so much certain.

Personally, I feel ashamed that I am sitting here writing a dissertation, have all my bills paid, am generally a very giving person, and yet, here I am screwing this up. I know I am smart, but I feel stupid so much of the time when I think about this.

I think once you can start seeing the weight gone, not just the numbers lower on the scale, that fear will also go away. Think of all the new clothes you can wear instead of just picking what is in your size. Think of all the good stuff and know that you cna be 100% perfect and still find someone who you think is better off. They are usually dealing with their own problems. I always say, when hiring new special ed. teachers, that we can always train someone how to write good IEPs and how to be a good teacher, but we can't teach a person how to be a good person. I will always recommend we hire the less experiences genuinely good person than the one who looks good on the surface.

Pretty on the outside is not always pretty and perfect on the inside. You are going into it with the brains and you won't lose those. Now, you can come out of it with a hot new bod to go with those brains. It takes brains and deep thought to think like you do, so just know that somewhere in there is all that. It is just different, but I am sure that once you start seeing the difference and get more immediate gratification, the mental and the academic start working together.

Tuesday will be a great day and if not, it will be a good day because you learned something new that will help you! Don't put yourself down so much. I know it is hard, but I don't think you deserve it.

Have a great/good/OK day!

[nickieluv]

Thank you - it is nice to be understood and I always know that someone here will 'get it' when I go nuts for a day. I'm feeling much different today. In a good way.

Last night when I went to bed I woke up my husband because I just felt like I needed to be loved. And I didn't think I'd get him awake for just cuddling. But it was just what I needed after a bad day - to feel that someone loved me, that I was not a bad person just because I let myself down.

I woke up this morning hungry (and we won't talk about the scale) but the good news is that I am hungry for the right things. Yesterday's voice was strong, sinister, wheedling, bargaining - very persuasive. Today I imagine the voice as that cute little dog in the old cartoons - you know where there's this big 'manly' dog and then a little yippy dog running circles around him always saying 'can we? can we? please can we? huh? huh?' really fast over and over again, and the big dog just ignores him for a while and then finally slaps him and growls 'oh, shuddup!' I am the big dog today.

And it's odd, because today is the kind of day I would normally revel in if I weren't on a diet. My husband will be gone all day until after the girls are in bed, so in the past this would be time to marshall all the money I can get and head to every store/fast food place in town to build up a stockpile of junk to eat while I'm alone. You would think that today would be the perfect day for the voice to say 'you didn't get any xxxx yesterday, you could go get it today and then get right back on tomorrow.' And as of last night, I thought that's what today was going to be like - just as hard to fight, and I would end up losing. It's so nice to feel so differently today.

I didn't like myself yesterday. I didn't like the person who was looking to food to fill her up. Perhaps sex is not the best alternative to that but since I'm married (and am partaking with my husband only!) I don't think it's such a bad substitute. Especially since it's something that has been really lacking in our marriage for a long time - since I first got pregnant in the fall of 2004. I know he would love it if I'd swap my food/shopping addiction for a sex addiction. And yes, I know that's a real thing and I'm not belittling people who really suffer from it and the damage it causes to self-esteem and health and all the rest. I'm joking but I don't mean to be insensitive.

I much prefer who I am today. I am not perfect but I don't need food to make me complete. I feel calm and happy, not like I'm about to fly off the handle at any moment. So, maybe I was needing more food, although I could have picked a better way to go about it. I had a pretty even mix of protein and carbs in my off-plan choices yesterday. I will see how I feel again after the 'bad' three to five days are behind me. But perhaps they won't be all that bad, because I feel ready like I did a week ago.

[Karli]

Hey Nickie, yep, just get it goin' today ! You can do it !!!

[nickieluv]

I don't even feel like it's going to be a struggle. I am almost forcing myself to have 'the thoughts,' like I'm testing myself, and I can't make myself want the bad foods. Time for my second supplement already (and I'm hitting the water today) so time to stop trying to get myself to be 'bad' and just get on with being good.

[sidrah]

Just popping in to say hi. Couldn't log in earlier-something about updating the site. So, I wanted to maek the rounds before I start doing some real school work. Glad today is a good day for you. And, hey, don't worry about spending the day alone, pop in a good movie and sort piles or fold clothes, clean something, whatever....plus Tuesday is an awesome TV night. Minus American Idol, now, but otherwise lots of good stuff on tonight. Hopefully it's not all repeats.

[Karli]

Hey Nickie, how'd it go yesterday ? Hope your cruisin'. Check in, okay ?

[nickieluv]

We had a nice family day yesterday - my husband took the day off work and we all went to a local children's play museum with cousins. My older daughter had a lot of fun - my youngest got sick in the car on the way home, and I'm sure it was because she spent so much time in the stroller - she probably got motion sickness or something. Once she was home, she was fine. The time went by so quickly and I lost track of how long she'd been stuck in one position. I'll have to remember next time to take her out and let her crawl around from time to time. Although at the rate she's going she might be walking by next time!

Not so good with the food. I did pack all bars so I could be on plan all day - and I was while we were there....

There is something in me that doesn't think I deserve this. That sees me having some success and says 'that's not who you are, you can't do this, who are you trying to kid?' Something that, when I've felt too good for too long, can't leave me alone until I have something to be miserable about. And it very often centers around food and diet because that is the major source of dissatisfaction in my life, so it's an easy one to pick on myself about. I will not let myself be happy. It can only go on so long and then I have to ruin it - pick a fight with my husband, go off my diet, spend money we don't have and then live through the anxiety of hoping the packages arrive during the day before my husband gets home - and maybe some part of me hopes he does see, does get angry, does give me what I deserve. Because I certainly don't deserve good things.

I'm so sick of being 'broken' like this. Normal people don't walk around miserable all the time, or sabotage themselves the instant they are happy. I want to be normal. I want this self-loathing to stop. I am calling the counselor right after I finish this to see if I can move up my appointment - I'm sure I can get someone to watch the kids in order to go in sooner than three weeks from now. I see that this is a problem and it's holding me back from enjoying life. It's not about the weight. It's about my beliefs about myself.

So that's where I am at the moment. Miserable. But obviously some part of me loves the misery or I wouldn't keep coming back here. Because I KNOW I'm strong enough to fight it. So there's some reason I don't really WANT to fight it.

[Karli]

Hi Nickie, believe me, I understand the sabotage monster VERY well ! I think that many people have this in them, whether they know it or not. It is a thing that keeps many people from doing many things, also acting in the name of fear.

For some reason I have sensed that this last time is somehow having a different impact on you, though I know that same "voice" would like to say "see, look, this is what is going on just like always ... you will never change !" ... That's just simply not true. It takes some serious work to get these things sorted out, and sometimes it really takes years, but you have been doing it already ! I have seen it in your posts here ever since you started posting. Anymore, when I become aware of self-loathing, I absolutely refuse to partake ! I refuse to label it as myself, because it's simply not ... and it's not truly you, either ! If it was, you wouldn't even have the hope or the inkling of a different life.

It's subtle, but when we partake on a true "journey" ... we don't just say goodbye to habits, but to entire concepts of ourselves, and that can be extremely tricky ! You don't love misery, you just KNOW what it feels like, you can control it, count on it, live in it. Who in the world would you be without it ?! You get glimpses of something else, and that can feel so right, but then those pesky thoughts tromp on in and say "no, don't be a fool ! You are miserable, remember ??" ... and shutting those thoughts down, insisting on something different, something better, that is how we grow ... and that growth is not (always) easy !!! If it was, the world would be an entirely different place, don't you think ?

Hang in there ! Realizing that this is about your beliefs and your beliefs about yourself is an *extremely* vital realization ... and I think it's very good that you are wanting to move your appointment forward.

Thanks for checking in . I know this all feels very personal to you right now, but it's simply not. Yes, it argues that it is, but it's just simply not YOU, and you have a right to see beyond this, and live beyond this, and you will !

[DogMa]

Errr ... what Karli said.

Hang in there, Nicks. I think it's progress to recognize the problems (or that they ARE problems) and start getting some help with your issues. We all have 'em, even if they're not the same ones. And a huge, important part of this process is dealing with them. And hopefully a counselor can get you working on both at the same time - the issues AND the program.

[nickieluv]

It's going to be so hard. And I just wanted to avoid it (changing) for so long. But I don't want my girls to live like this - angry, hating themselves, existing only to please others and feeling guilty for every bit of happiness they experience. They will become me, even if they don't want to. I want them to see a truly happy and loving mother. They know something is wrong even when I don't. And I have to do the work.

The appointment is now Saturday morning - this Saturday. I know this means I have to let go and stop being guarded with the counselor and let my feelings out. I am scared but I want to do it. If I'm lucky I have another 50 years with my family and they can be wonderful if I will get out of the way. It's OK to cry and it's OK to be unhappy and I don't have to pretend I'm not or take it out on other people. I am capable of any change I want to make. I have strength I've never called upon. I'm not going to be perfect but that doesn't mean I can't be good.

Scared, scared, scared. But I can do it.