Nickieluv

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Re: Nickieluv

Postby nickieluv » June 23rd, 2009, 8:40 am

Yes, it will be an improvement. I'm about ready to hit myself over the head today, though. I am on plan but it's sad how hard I try to convince myself that I should just give up and wait until September when I'm working. I am able to look at my daughters right now and remember that I want another baby and that's why I need to stick to this now instead of later - but then I try to tell myself that I had my first at this weight and she turned out just fine.

Then I ask myself, how pathetic am I that I can't even make it a full 7 days before cheating - I think it was 6 this last time, maybe only 5, I'm not exactly counting so much as I'm using my countdown flip chart.

I wonder if I will ever be a thin person, or if I will just spend my life flopping between 'fat' and 'fatter.' I'm always putting off getting to my real goal. In a sense it's necessary because of family planning issues, but I could change those timelines in a heartbeat if I wanted to. And the timeline was changed, but then I had that 'close call' and was really disappointed not to be pregnant, so I moved it up. But I have to ask myself why I was so disappointed. Yes, I love being pregnant, but why exactly do I love it so much? Certainly there's a beautiful baby at the end of it all, but if I'm honest I have to say that I love the complete lack of pressure I feel regarding my size. I can pretend I'm not fat, just pregnant. But wouldn't it be nice to not have to pretend, to really just be thin and have it over with?

I don't think I can really put off the baby, though. There is a chance my husband will lose his job at the end of July next year when the contract runs out - and it's a good chance, probably about 50/50 at this point. If that happens, I have to work. We can survive on one income, that's not an issue (we are very lucky in that regard) - but it will break my heart if I have a baby later on in the school year and can only have 6 weeks off with him/her. At least if I have the baby at the end of June or in early July, I will have 8 to 10 weeks before I have to go back to work. My husband would be the stay-at-home parent and provide all the childcare, so I wouldn't have to leave my baby with strangers or even take the kids out of the house in the morning - but it would still break my heart to leave so soon. But those extra weeks beyond the 6 I'd be allowed would be precious. So timing is important this time around.

Which just makes it all the more important that I do everything I can to lose some weight now. I've proven that I'm not going to exercise, not at this point anyway. I think it would be easier if I could see results - but being a more muscular or fit fat person is still being fat, and that really overshadows the benefits in my mind. And anyway, exercise alone won't do a darn thing - I've gone that road before, long before I discovered MF, back when I had only 40-50 pounds to lose.

I'll be on plan today - if I have to get angry with myself to do it, so be it. I tell myself I'm a strong woman and yet I let stupid food get the better of me time and time again. Enough. I have to lose 5 pounds a week to be in the 220s by vacation. Not very realistic, I'm afraid. But impossible if I don't even try. Just eat the meals, drink the shakes, jacka**. Stop trying to figure out a way to beat the system, because nothing is ever going to work.

If you want this, you have to be willing to change, because that is the only way it's going to happen. Stop being afraid, stop stalling, do it and let yourself be happy! Make the life that you want for yourself instead of trying to convince yourself that what you have is good enough. You are so lucky to have a home, job, family, love, meaning in your life - embrace who you can be and stop hiding behind 'good enough.'
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Re: Nickieluv

Postby Karli » June 23rd, 2009, 1:30 pm

Hi Nickie,

Well, I totally get a lot of the whole mental talk thing. It's a strange phenomenon, isn't it ? While going off plan after being on, one can feel determined about getting back on without much trouble, and even start off that way, sometimes pretty strong even, and then something seems to just "switch" in the mentality surrounding it all ! It's like a switch just gets flipped or something.

You know you can do it though ! It's truly just a matter of seeing beyond the moment, and even seeing beyond the "I don't care" "I don't want to be on right now" ... yadda yadda. You know, the BS monster. No matter how in control it tries to make us seem, if we are not actually achieving our ultimate goal, we are not in control, I feel.

Personally, I am not sure how I have stayed on for two days in a row, and how I am so far making it through day three. There are a million reasons I can think of to go off (including just plain not being in the mood to be thin, not being in the mood to be disciplined, so on and so forth), but they all boil down to me just wanting to eat, which when I am truly honest with myself, I can see.

Anyway, hang in there, Nickie. :wave:
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Re: Nickieluv

Postby nickieluv » June 23rd, 2009, 1:37 pm

Well, crap. I love your posts, Karli, but it seems we submitted at the exact same nanosecond or something because my last post didn't show up. :x I am glad to read yours!!! And mine wasn't really important anyway - same old long drawn-out stuff about my fear of failure and blah blah blah. I was just basically saying that I've been on all day and I think if I can make it all the way, tomorrow will be easier because I'll be heading in the right direction again.

Need a supplement and more water. Heading in that direction next.

I know I don't say much in my posts, but they are cathartic for me, and always after I type them I re-read them to edit, then post, then read it again on the 'real' page. Something is missing from that last one since I can't do that. :(
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Re: Nickieluv

Postby nickieluv » June 23rd, 2009, 4:38 pm

The weight is sticking on today and that's annoying and discouraging - but it's not like I don't deserve it. I still haven't gotten through the first 64oz of water today - I'm not sure why it's been so hard for me to drink enough today.

I was (of course) seriously contemplating another binge. Then I had a brainstorm - just order that salad you had, but the right way this time - no cheese, no ham, just chicken and lettuce. So I went to the site, plugged it all in - and it would have been about $10. It really doesn't seem worth it. Maybe if my husband were ordering something, too, I'd tag it on - but all by itself? Apparently I only have the stomach to waste money on ordering food when it's bad for me. :roll:

So I'm here posting, and I'll have my next supplement, and all will be right with the world. Two more to go today - not sure how I still have two left, but they are sitting there on the table so I know it's right. Must have been that nap throwing off my timing somewhat.

I think I probably sound pretty down in this post, but it's just because I am so sick of acting like a child when it comes to this diet. I have an almost-4-year-old that I keep telling to be patient, to be kind, to understand that she can't have things her own way all the time or get what she wants every minute of every day. And yet that's just what I want with food. I want to eat whatever I want, lose a ton of weight NOW, and not have to work or wait. And it's not like I even have to wait that long. Look at the trip ticker - less than two months and I am going to allow myself some treats on vacation. One day totally off plan, the rest of the days just one meal off, the rest on. Then get home, back on plan for another month, and then probably transition to get ready for the baby. It's going to go so fast. It's a pitiful amount of time, so small - and yet I still feel like I can't do it.

Ah well - off to have a shake, do some dishes, put the oldest to bed, finish my night. Tomorrow will be better. I'll see a drop on the scale. I'll be in a more positive mood. I'll have a day between me and my gluttony. We're getting out of the house for library story time so it will be a fun day. All good things. Life is good. I'll lose weight and life will still be good, plus I'll enjoy getting dressed in the morning a whole lot more. (Positive self-talk, sort of - trying it out - STILL haven't made my affirmation list for counseling homework....)
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Re: Nickieluv

Postby Karli » June 24th, 2009, 7:12 am

Hi Nickie,

I very much understand the feelings of being tired of "acting like a child on program." That very thing, having some perspective to grasp how it is not always easy to get myself on and stay on -- despite how I think it should be or despite how I want to pretend like it is -- has helped me stay on at times. As a matter of fact, from my very past experiences, this time trying to get myself back on and make it stick, I basically know that if it's not now, it's likely to carry on for actual months on end where I am not on, where nothing is changing for the better, and I feel miserable again. "It needs to be today" I tell myself.

I hope that this is your day number 2 -- I know this is frustrating, Nickie, and the best thing I think you can do is basically gather information on what works and does not work for you, in terms of reaching your goals, and really learn from the whole thing, including mistakes. Mistakes are very useful if you learn from them ! If they are not learned from, they are just mistakes with what seem like permanent consequences.

You have every right to get on and stay on, and it's important that you stay on ! I think sometimes just managing to get oneself on and into ketosis, I think that can seem like a pretty big accomplishment. Sometimes it really is, but staying on is truly what really matters, and you can do it !
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Re: Nickieluv

Postby nickieluv » June 24th, 2009, 10:19 am

I did well yesterday, despite trying to talk myself out of it something fierce - I had those 'I don't want to even do this' feelings. But they are gone today. I'm watching the scale in excitement, waiting to see my 261.8 back again, and watch it drop to 260-point-something, and basically I'm looking forward to each pound that is going to come off. Whenever it happens. I'm still 3 pounds up from ticker because of Monday, but I know it will come off. I'll have slow weeks and big weeks, that's just how it works. But I'll have nothing but gains if I don't keep working at it.

I'm having such a great day today - the house is clean and getting organized, I like being in control like that. And it helps me take control of other areas. I am trying to get used to spending my days without food in my mouth. I'm not exactly watching the clock for supplement time, but I'm aware of the passage of time, shall we say. The kitchen kept me busy this morning, and now I'm enjoying the afternoon being lazy. I'm realizing I can be lazy, and that's OK. Just because I spend time online or watching TV, that doesn't mean I am a lazy person - just that I am having lazy moments. I'm still working hard for part of the day, and sometimes I take a whole day off, but the house is clean and chores are getting done and the kids are clean and fed and happy - I'm doing a good job. I look around and I don't feel like I'm slacking.

The sun and heat helps - finally we're getting some 80+ degree days around here, it's like summer finally decided to show up. And the house stays pretty cool even without AC, which is nice. And I'm warm but I'm not all sweaty and I'm not swollen up like crazy - I love it. Things are just pretty close to perfect, and that's not an accident. God is blessing me for sure, and I am also taking action to keep things rolling along in a great way. I am proud of me today, and it's OK to feel that way. I'm not so bad. :thumbup:
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Re: Nickieluv

Postby nickieluv » June 24th, 2009, 10:34 am

Just a note about the scale - that darn thing is still holding out on me. But I wanted to say that there's been a shift in how I'm looking at it, and I think it will help me see that sticking to plan is worthwhile.

I've had the 2-teens in my mind forever - like I won't really feel like I've made any progress until I get there. Because after the baby was born, when I was doing really well for a couple of weeks, the weight was dropping like crazy and I was down to 221-point-something before I went off and dealt with the whole breastfeeding debacle. I have been obsessing about that and where I could be now if I hadn't gone off - because it's been nothing but struggles for almost a full year now. What a waste of time, right? So when I would look at the scale, it never moved fast enough, because I wanted to see 21x. Anything else was just a waste of time.

Well, now I feel like I'm back in the place where I can appreciate every pound. I embrace that I am starting over, instead of being in a hurry to reach that magic number where I will feel like I've finally gotten back to where I started. I am starting HERE. The last year doesn't matter. I've wasted some time, yes, and learned some things I hope, but even if I haven't learned a darn thing it doesn't matter. That time has passed and I can't get it back. All I can do is move forward from this point, right here. And every day that I am on plan is a step forward, a step downward, a step in the right direction. I may lose 7 pounds this week, or I may end the week at roll call still over what my ticker says right now. But if I don't stay on plan, I will no doubt be above that ticker weight. All I can do is what I can do - no more.

Each day is a gift. Whatever the scale says. Each day is a fresh start and I can be the best person I can be. And part of my best is being on plan, because that means I am following through and reaching my goals.
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Re: Nickieluv

Postby DogMa » June 24th, 2009, 11:45 am

Well, exactly. Each day is a step closer to where you WANT to be, no matter where you started. And no matter whether there's a drop or just not a gain. One foot in front of the other ...
Robin

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Re: Nickieluv

Postby nickieluv » June 24th, 2009, 9:29 pm

Of course it makes perfect sense to have each day be positive as long as you're not gaining from off-plan foods - but I spent so long bemoaning that I ever went off in the first place that it was hard to embrace where I really am starting from. It's awfully depressing if I let it be - after losing almost 70 pounds, to be right back where I started, and actually my ticker high weight is even higher than when I started the first time. It's a learning experience, though. I've learned that I can't eat the way I used to and enjoy a thinner body. I need to have balance in my eating, not just scarf what I want every minute of the day.

I am dealing with head hunger tonight. I went ahead and had another supplement - that makes me 6&1 today. But it's better to have a 100-calorie meal than a half loaf of bread with a stick of butter. And I have been up 4 hours since I last ate - so I'll live with it. The damn scale is getting to me, though. It shot up so high after Monday, more than I expected, and it's still not coming down even after two days on plan. I'm hoping for a miracle tomorrow. And being mad at the scale makes it hard to not cheat - like I want to show the damn scale I don't care what it says, so I eat.

I know I'll be stronger tomorrow (is that one 'm' or two? Suddenly I can't figure it out) and I'm going right to bed after I finish posting. I had just one diet soda today, a proper L&G, and 96oz of water. I did well. I just need to go to bed and not care what the scale says tomorrow. I need to just flip my little flipchart for today and know that I'm one day closer to where I want to be.

Even though the absolute best choice would have been to go to bed two hours ago (I wanted to watch a movie), I do feel good that I didn't eat off-plan foods. I could have. It would have been pretty easy (well, actually, it would have been a lot more work than just having the supplement was - funny how I'm willing to work for the bad stuff) - but I had a supplement and that was the right thing to do faced with the other choices in the cupboard.

Oh, and I forgot - I had 3 Doritos this evening. I told myself that 3 Doritos wouldn't kill me, but the whole bag would. Maybe I can learn to be satisfied with less. Or maybe I should realize, since I totally forgot I even ate them, that these foods aren't as great as I make them out to be in my mind.
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Re: Nickieluv

Postby nickieluv » June 25th, 2009, 5:50 am

Ah, finally. All the way back down to ticker, plus another .6 gone. Just in time for my mental state. Now I can stay on today without so much angst. ;)
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Re: Nickieluv

Postby DogMa » June 25th, 2009, 7:27 am

See, there ya go. Patience.
Robin

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Added BodyBugg in May 2009
New ticker: 136.6/123.2/130
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Re: Nickieluv

Postby nickieluv » June 25th, 2009, 10:12 am

Not my strong suit. :oops:
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Re: Nickieluv

Postby sidrah » June 26th, 2009, 1:00 am

Just catching up and stopped by to see how you are doing....Patience IS a virtue!! It is also learned and you have so much to look forward to.
Don't really care as long as everything's better than yesterday was...

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Re: Nickieluv

Postby Nurcyn » June 27th, 2009, 4:50 pm

Just checking in! Hope you've made it through the week! I did, until an evil cookie about an hour ago, but a miracle occured and I did NOT ruin the entire day (or weekend!) over it, and just had a shake and got on with the day. I saw a 4 pounds payoff this week, so I'm not going to ruin it! lol
Hope you're having a great weekend, Nickie!!
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Re: Nickieluv

Postby DogMa » July 1st, 2009, 12:01 pm

Nicks, where ARE you? I hope everything is OK!!
Robin

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