The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Lizabette]

CARRIE,
Journalling is good for us in many ways... mainly to be able to put into words how we really feel, the good and the bad situations in our lives.
And to know that we have an empathetic audience who cares and understands.
It brings about positive changes in us as we also begin to care and to understand ourselves.
I like that you said, the difference now is "about getting and staying healthy!"
Good for you. I hope this weekend will go well for you,

[bikipatra]

Do you keep a little tally sheet for your meals and water? I have to because most of the time I am not hungry and busy on the computer and don't know it's supplement time. I use a tiny little spiral-top notebook, but anything is fine. I also log my meals on Fitday. That will keep you busy. I get bored on weekends too...Football and sporting events and being off work made drinking "okay" for me. I realize you are not an alcoholic, but I realize how it is still a social function to look forward to, meeting friends at the bar.

[Carrie]

Hi Bik!

Yep, I do but I was slacking off on that so didn't notice the time go by, I think it really helps me stick to it though, so I'm gonna try and be as religious about tracking on the weekend as I am during the week.

[Carrie]

Day 16 here. I haven’t journaled in a couple days so I figure I need to sit down and think about what I’m doing in terms of what’s going on in my life and my eating plan – make sure I’m keeping it deliberate.

I’ve finished week one of my class, four more to go. I have some concerns about the homework and being able to get top grades at it – it’s a good percentage of my grade. I really don’t like classes that grade that way because you aren’t given the opportunity to learn the material before you’re graded heavily on it – seems to defeat the purpose of a ‘learning’ environment. Anyway, I’m working my way through the material.

I’m still mulling over my friends visit – she arrives March 14th. I’m not sure where I am with it in terms of remaining 100% compliant. When we were teenagers weight was a big source of competition for us. I know right now that she is heavier than I am and she will not be dieting when she gets here. Though she would never do it consciously, I have some concerns about her encouraging me to ‘take a diet vacation’ with her and ‘indulge’. I still feel fragile about my plan and am not sure I’m strong enough to handle that sort of situation. So, I do want to have a clearly defined plan in action when she arrives and be prepared to handle these things.

Lately I have been having dreams about food. Two nights in a row I dreamt of being someplace like a buffet and resisting and resisting and then just caving and pigging out. I’d start eating and while I was doing it I’d be thinking ‘why are you doing this, this isn’t what you want, etc etc’, and wound up feeling really bad about it. When I wake up it’s like ‘geez, cut me some slack, I’m following my plan, so I DREAM about cheating, sheesh!’ There was an after effect though, I noticed that the ‘guilty conscious’ and negative feelings followed me into my day. But sitting here writing about it, I realize that I can control my reaction to it and use it as a motivational tool. I can choose to look at it as a reminder of why I’m doing this and how the other way of living makes me feel, and take it as encouragement to keep moving in this healthier direction.

I’ve noticed that I’m making a deliberate effort to separate my emotions from my thoughts, and this is something that I have never before paid attention to. Whatever I was feeling was the overriding motivator in my life. I did have a bit of a challenging weekend with regards to how my feelings were affecting my thoughts. When I began to feel anxious or have stray thoughts about eating, I made a conscious effort to think it through and tell myself that eating wasn’t going to help the loneliness or boredom. And follow that up with reaffirming that my intention is to create a healthy body because I care enough about myself to do so. Whatever is lacking in my life that I’ve looked to food to give me, I need to learn to give myself in a healthy way.

I don’t know whether or not I’m building a recipe for success, hopefully all this internal searching and dialog is moving me in the direction of getting to my goal.

[Serendipity]

I spend a weekend with my sisters once a year. This year, I warned them ahead of time that I would be sticking to my diet. They didn't give me any trouble at all. We had a great weekend - not focused on food for once. If your friend is a true friend, she won't pressure you to eat.

[bikipatra]

Hey Carrie:

Liked your journal entry and agree with Jo about your friend. I could relate a lot to your food dreams. In recovery parlance, they are referred to as "using dreams." I used to have them a lot but I never got to eat. It was like I would keep lifting the lid off the pizza box and the pie wasn't there!! I would wake up confused about what had really happened and realize I hadn't been trying to cheat. These kinds of dreams are normal and should lessen in frequency and intensity, or at least they have for me, in both my drinking and food programs.

[Carrie]

I hope they fade for me too, they're a pain in the patoot!

[Carrie]

So I’m really struggling. More with emotions than food right now. Yesterday I had a great start to my day and by the time I was able to come up for air at work it was 3:30 (I leave at 4) so I thought I was in the home stretch. I had also checked the menu from our local grocery and decided to treat myself to lemon pepper salmon and green beans for dinner.

At which point one of the auditors came in and asked me for something – well there was a problem with it and I worked on it till 5 – gritting my teeth and upset the whole time. I gave up, left at 5, went to the grocery to discover that the salmon was sold out. At which point I really got upset. I was an hour late for my meal. More importantly I had this anger because I felt entitled to have my special dinner after having a rough afternoon. I KNOW that I have been operating this way for a long, long time- just before I was ‘entitled’ to Taco Bell not a piece of fish, LOL. Somehow when something goes wrong I think I deserve some sort of ‘scooby snack’ to make up for it. Why I would have ever attached entitlement to food I have no clue.

This morning I weighed a pound and half more than I did yesterday. I am just plain cranky, and think it may be TOM. (I haven’t been keeping track so I’m guessing) But I’m on edge, been clenching my jaw all day and just barely hanging on to my last nerve.

I know historically that this is a problem time for me, my hunger returns and in the past I’ve taken to snacking – so I have to find a new way of coping. I can say that the caramel nut bar is so much like a real candy bar that I’m using that right now as my ‘treat’ incentive – and coaching myself through my day with the promise of the caramel nut bar this evening. Lord, that sounds ridiculous as I type it.

I remember once at the age of 18 I was having a fight with my boyfriend and as he slammed the door and left I thought “I’m so mad I want a hot fudge sundae.” Food has obviously been my knee jerk reaction (conscious or unconscious) to pretty much everything.

[DonicaB]

Hang in there, Carrie. There are going to be days that we feel emotional and grumpy. Using food to help with those feelings is the easy way out. It's like a drug.......we use food to mask what we are really feeling. We have to learn to face our emotions head on. I know that is so much easier said than done. I'm learning this as well. We can do it, Carrie.

DonicaB

[Carrie]

Well, I'm smack in the middle of the TOM gains/no losses cycle. I weighed myself Wednesday morning and the scale was up 1.5 pounds. For some insane reason I weighed on Thursday night and the scale was up FIVE MORE POUNDS. So I have been fighting the psychological battle of the century here. My knee jerk reaction was "FINE, if that's what the thing says I'll just go eat"......and I've been fighting it for 3 days now. Two days in a row I 2 bars, which isn't total compliance, but it got me through without going off on a binge. I obviously cannot handle seeing the scale every day, so I am commiting to weighing once a week for Sunday morning roll call ONLY, and focusing on compliance to the plan the rest of time, NOT a number on a scale. It's been very tough mentally.

I'm also overwhelmed by work and my class. We have to get our audit completed and our annual report issued by March 31st, so my days at work are very stressful and compounded by the fact that I'm in the middle of a class that requires all my free time for homework.......I've got a tough 5 weeks ahead of me, and right now I just feel exhausted.

Anyway, this too shall pass. I know that I'll be feeling better soon, I guess I just needed to vent.

[DonicaB]

Vent away, Carrie. I did the same thing earlier in my journal. Stress and frustration can get us to thinking all sorts of negative things.

I agree we need to focus on compliance and getting healthy and not the number on the scale. Getting healthy is the goal, losing poundage is just a bonus.

We both can do it, Carrie. I'm right here with you.

DonicaB

[Carrie]

I’m really angry today. For most of the day I have been having these impulse thoughts of just going on a binge. And I really want to. I know I’m thinking this because it would ‘make me feel better’. For the better part of a week I’ve been struggling with worse-than-usual PMS, and I’m so tense and irritable that every day I find myself at work with a backache and a headache and my jaw clenched. How much longer can this go on? And I’m pissed because I really want to go binge on a mess of sugar and make it all go away. I wrote about it a little bit in my daily tracker and ‘talked myself down’, but that just left me really angry – because I don’t know how else to get relief. I tell ya, if men had to experience this JUST ONCE, they’d be a whole lot more understanding and they’d never again say it was ALL IN OUR HEAD.

[Lizabette]

[nickieluv]

Carrie;

I know we've mentioned to each other before how we can relate to these emotional struggles. There is no easy answer. You have to power through it and not go off program. Sometimes it helps to think 'this will NOT make me feel better.' I know it always used to, but now, cheating will only make you feel worse. But remember - if you can get through these upcoming weeks without giving in, then you can make it through anything. You've got the triple-threat right now of work, school, and hormones. Beat this, and you are unstoppable!!!

Actually, what I meant to say is - you are unstoppable, so you can beat this!!!!

[DonicaB]

Carrie~ I'm sorry to hear you are having it bad today. I totally agree with Nickie, if you binge you will feel worse, maybe not physically, but emotionally.

Have you talked to your doctor to see if there is anything that can help? For a couple of days, I took Excedrin Migraine for some severe headaches that I had been struggling with, and man oh man.......let me tell you......those things kicked the migraines.

Hang in there, Carrie.

DonicaB