The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[Nova]

Maybe. We'll see when I get home, if I manage to get home at a decent hour.

Oh, and a new club this morning! 61 pounds!

[Nova]

I absolutely cannot think this morning. My mind feels like it's exploded into a million pieces, my stomach hurts, and I think my hands are actually shaking. So I figured I'd just write it all out here. This may take a while.

I left Virginia to take a job in Texas with the same company. My reasons for leaving were many. I felt like I could do a better job as the head of the office, but when another guy and I applied for the same job, he got it, and I didn't even get an interview. He's a nice enough guy, but I felt passed over and I didn't even know why. No one talked to me and said it was because I didn't have this skill or that reason or anything. Second, the job position looked a little shaky, and I thought there was a slim chance I could get laid off. Finally, even if I didn't get laid off, there was no promotion potential where I was. This new job in Texas offered a lot more stability; I thought the site had better financial flow; and finally, even if I was making a lateral move, I thought there would be more options for promotion.

Well, when I get here, I find out they have financial problems almost as bad as the place I left. Maybe worse. They get lots of money, but they have more and bigger commitments. The relationship between the support contractors and the staff is not nearly as friendly as where I left, causing several headaches. The money's better, but I just don't like Texas.

I'm starting to fit in better down here, I admit. I've found interesting things to do, starting to make a few friends and such. But I'm still homesick for Virginia.

So this morning, I open my email and I find a job search hit. It's for an engineering position at the company back in Virginia. For my old job. With a promotion! What the fu**??! My first phone call is to my husband, to see what he thinks if I apply for the job and we end up back in Virginia. He doesn't care. He's unemployed and he says he can be unemployed anywhere. Next I call a contractor friend of mine in the Virginia office to ask about the job. She says the boss would love to have me back, she'd love to have me back, and I'm most likely a shoe in if I want it. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Next I call my old boss and leave a message telling him I'm interetsed in coming back and working for him. Thank god I didn't burn any bridges when I left (I hope), because I thought about it.

My biggest concern is that they've changed the position description a bit from what I used to do. It's still a generalist, but now they want specific experience in a couple of programs that I don't have. The resumes all go through an automated system that looks for keywords and will only pass your resume if you have a certain percentage of the keywords. I hate those things. So I have all the generalist experience they need, I know the company, the site, the people, the processes and the facilities. I know all the problems and all the good stuff, but I don't officially have any experience in EMS, CECRLA or tanks. Damnit. And they don't ask for someone who has experience of the site. In fact, the position is open to everyone in the country, not just company employees, like some vacancies. And my old boss didn't even call me or email me to let me know this was coming out and ask if I was interested. So does that mean he doesn't want me to come back? Or is he just forgetful?

I don't know. All this stuff is going through my head, and it's making it really, really hard to concentrate on boring contract stuff, let alone some of the more complex stuff I want to put in to really change stuff up. This is a 5 year contract I'm working on, and if I don't get the scope right, I'll be forced to live with it for 5 years before it can be changed. But if I make all these changes, and then I leave, who's going to administer the changes, because I am (I was) planning on making a lot of changes to give myself more responsibility. Not because I necessarily want it, but because it will give my office more flexability in how we handle operations out here if we don't let everything go through the contractor.

I even talked briefly to a trusted coworker in my office, and she was very sad at the thought that I might leave, because she thinks I'm doing a great job here in pushing stuff through that they've been trying to do for years. Now they have a dedicated person, me, in this position, and I'm doing all this stuff for them. To me, it feels like I'm moving slow as molassas, but they seem happy with the results. My coworker gave me some career advice for here so I can avoid burning bridges here if I end up getting the job in Virginia.

If I go back to Virginia, I know that I'll be the most competant and capable engineer they have in that office. I'm not being immodest; I just feel that confident in my abilities. I'm also hoping that I can be more of a deputy and convince my boss to let me run the office there while he deals with some of the expanded responsibilities he's gotten in the last year.

Ive still kept in touch with folks from that office. Our company is big, but in our community, we all keep in touch, so I know what's going on at different sites.

Okay, maybe I've gotten enough off my mind that I can get back to work now. Man, I've wasted half a day. Bleah. Okay, crack the whip and back to work.

[Nova]

Okay, I'm feeling better today. I'm going to take a pi-yo class (yo pi?) at the gym tomorrow to try some exercise.

Tonight I wanted something vaguely resembling exercise that was also a pick-me-up, so I went clothes shopping. I love Chicos. Nice clothes, and they've got the size thing down. Their sizes go 0 - 1- 2 - 3. I was wearing 2s in everything. Found a gorgeous black suedu skirt with a matching black suede duster. Loved it, but I couldn't justify $400 on an outfit when I'm still losing weight. Probably not ever, actually. Plus, when is it ever going to be cold enough in Houston to wear suede?

[Nova]

Sometimes I feel like I only have so much productivity per day in me. We've been getting a lot done at work, but when I get home, I lounge around, play games and read forums. Days when work isn't so busy, I can get a lot more done at home.

It was funny at work today. My boss made a brief comment about coming in on Saturday, and everyone cut him off at the pass. Nope, no one can come in this weekend. Sorry, we've all worked 12 days straight. No more. Personally, I plan to sleep myself out tomorrow. I'm a late riser, and I need my sleeping in.

Here's a thought. It seems like in the last 3 months, I've experienced much more severe PMS. Today, I was almost ready to cry for almost no reason. I have almost no patience and snap at everything, and I crave salt so badly I'll eat it straight. I wonder if it's because when the fat melts away, more estrogen is released? Or maybe it's because I have less mass, so I'm feeling the effects more. It's very strange, because I've never had trouble with PMS before.

[DogMa]

Could be the estrogen. Could also be that you used food to suppress the emotions, even if you didn't realize it. (Doesn't explain the salt cravings, though.)

[Nova]

Could be the estrogen. Could also be that you used food to suppress the emotions, even if you didn't realize it. (Doesn't explain the salt cravings, though.)

I've realized how much I used to use food to cover up emotions. When I was upset, I used to eat chocolate. Didn't matter what kind. It could be ice cream or cookies or brownies or candy bars. Before my period, it would be potatos. Now when I get upset, I want certain kinds of food so badly, and now that I can't have them, it makes me face my problems head on. It's hard, but it's definitely worth it. I feel so much stronger now. I've faced my (food) demon and come out on top. Nothing can stop me now.

In fact, today I went to a surprise birthday party. I brought a fruit salad and wasn't tempted (much) to have any berries while I was making it. They grilled fajitas at the party and had all sorts of tasty munchies, but I refused it all. I brought a bar and had that. Later, the daughter had made a cheesecake and she was so proud of it that I let her serve me a small slice. I mushed it up with my fork and moved it around on my plate for a while. When she wasn't looking, I put it in the trash, and I didn't feel sad. So yay me!

I was talking with a woman at the party about Medifast. She was overweight and we talked about all the different diets we'd both tried. I made a comment sort of off the cuff, but it resonated with me. When I was fat, I could eat anything I wanted. It didn't matter if I had chips and guac, or 3 fajitas with sour cream, or 2 pieces of cheesecake. But when I'm right sized, I won't be able to eat to excess anymore. Sometimes, that makes me still feel sad and worried. But I don't doubt that I'll be successful.

Thanks, Unca, for changing my club.

[Nova]

I can tell it's going to be one of those weeks. My boss did something that ticked me off first thing this morning, although on reflection, I shouldn't get that upset about it. It's the same sort of stuff he's been doing since I got here, and he's not going to change it anytime soon. Since it's nothing I can change, it's not worth worrying about. Then in meetings all morning and afternoon, including outside. At least I didn't step in the fire ant mound! Unfortunately, I think my deoderant isn't up to the task today after being outside, so I'm trying not to get too close to other people.

One really good thing happened. They're rebadging everyone at work. I hated my old picture on my badge. Every time I looked at it, I thought piggy. My face was so round, and I have an upturned nose. It just looks like a pig to me. They took a new picture today, and even though they zoomed way in on my face, when I got my picture, I love it! I almost don't recognize myself. It's the first time since I started where I can look at a picture of myself and go yes, I look different, and more than that, I look pretty. Even on a crappy ID badge picture.

[DogMa]

That's excellent. Although I admit, I LOVE looking better than my badge and my driver's license.

As for the party, what a great job!!! (And as for eating anything you want, when you're thin you CAN occasionally pig out. You might not want to, though. And "pigging out" might mean you have ONE fajita and ONE slice of cheesecake, and you'll enjoy it more than just mindlessly stuffing your face. I certainly plan to still eat those things. But I don't want to eat them because they're there, or because I'm upset or angry or whatever. I want to eat them because I truly WANT them. And I want to eat them guilt-free, knowing I can have just enough to satisfy me but not a) feel bad later on because I ate something I "shouldn't" or b) feel uncomfortably stuffed later on because I ate more than I needed or wanted. Will you really miss feeling like you need to change out of your jeans because they're so uncomfortably tight?)

[Serendipity]

Nova, I know that feeling. I couldn't wait to get my new license because I was huge in the old one. Luckily, I was due for a new one this year and didn't have to wait any longer. I made the lady take it 3 times until it was just as I wanted it to be, lol.

[Nova]

Jo, I love it. I wasn't brave enough to ask the badging lady if I could review my picture and have her take it again if I didn't like it. I did ask her to make me look pretty though.

Robin, no, I won't miss the uncomfortably tight jeans feeling. After 5 months, I think I'm breaking the habit of overeating. Now I eat what's on my plate and I stop. The harder thing to stop is eating because I like the taste of something. Face it, the Medifast food isn't so good that you're just dying to have seconds, and even with a L&G, it's not hard to put the fork down after 7 oz of salmon, even though I love salmon. Au gratin potatos though...mmmm. I think I'll probably never buy a bag of potato chips again, because it's too hard to portion out just one serving and not eat more. But I don't miss junk food very much anymore.

I was doing some reading elsewhere and found something good to think about. A lot of people try to convince themselves that food is fuel and nothing else. But that takes away the pleasure of food, which can be considerable. So is there a happy medium between fuel and enjoyment? I think there is.

I'm going to aim for 90-95% of my meals in the future to be in the food is fuel category. that still leaves me leeway each week for one fabulous dinner, or even something special, like a slice of pizza. But most of the time, you're not eating at a 4-star restaurant, or it's not your birthday. For most of your meals, you only want to eat enough to get you through the next 3 hours. Instead of a donut for breakfast with the sugar and fat, fuel your body with whole grain cereal, skim milk and some fruit. Mid morning, have half a turkey and veggie sandwich. It's not a special meal, so why do anything other than eat healthy?

[DogMa]

That's what I like about Body for Life. He talks about the enjoyment of food, and sees nothing wrong with the pleasure we get from it. Not to mention its use to celebrate special occasions; it's been used that way throughout history. My maintenance book talks about the same things.

BFL gives you one day a week "off," when you don't exercise and you eat whatever you want. I don't think I'm ready for that, but I want to start trying one MEAL a week now that I'm transitioning off the program. I don't know that I'll even do that, but I want to have the freedom to eat something else once a week if I choose to.

[Nova]

I ended up taking Wed off on sick leave. I wasn't really physically sick, but I really needed a mental health day. I'd been upset about work, not sleeping enough and having an upset stomach. I got up on Wed and my head hurt, my eyes were burning, and I snapped at my husband before I had even gotten out of bed. I decided the hell with it, called in sick and slept until noon.

Later, we went shopping at the Galleria so I could try on the clothes. It's supposed to be one of the biggest fashion spots in the country. I guess my tastes are too bubblegum now, because I couldn't see spending that much money for clothes that weren't much different from what I could get at Target. And the stuff I couldn't get at Target were so expensive that I wouldn't buy them anyway. But it was fun to look for a while.

Oh, I did buy something. Actually, hubby bought me a pair of hosiery from Wolford's. I have never really liked wearing hosiery because they were hot and (embarassing confession), my thighs would rub together and get all chafed from the pantyhose. Very uncomfortable. Well, recently, I've started wearing them again and I like them more. They fit better. So he splurged and bought me these so I could try something better than Leggs. Oh wow! Talk about incredible and soft and nice. I couldn't brag to the people at work as if I'd just bought a new pair of pants, but I had to say it somewhere. I love my husband.

On the way home, hubby and I had a nice long talk about my work, whether what I was doing was worthwhile or not and the possiblity of applying for another job. He's very insightful and made me feel a lot better about what I'm doing and why I'm here. I'll still apply for the other job because it gives me more time to think and more opportunities, but meanwhile, I'm going to be more relaxed about this place and just do the best I can. Since other people here seem to think I'm doing pretty good, I'll accept their opinion. Kind of how I accept comments about how much better I look, even if I can't always see the changes in my body.

This morning, I'm wearing my new $6 linen crop pants I got from Kohls. Yeah, I like finding bargains. They're also my first pair of 12 pants! I think I'll be at least a 10 by the time I'm done, and for the first time, I think 8 may be a possibility. Wow. How awesome is that.

I also scored 6 boxes of oatmeal yesterday from 2 ladies at work who are doing MF. Neither of them like the oatmeal, so I took it off their hands. More for me.

[Sojourner]

Congrats on the 12s, Nova--that's awesome!!

[Arklahoma]

Nova ~ Sounds like you're doing well. Keep up the good work!!!

[Nova]

Had a fun weekend. Friday was the Ballunar fest in Houston. I missed it last year; started work the week after the festival. My office mate told me that I'd see the balloons while I was driving into work, and that parking would be hard because of all the sightseers. So I got into work -really- early, and there were only 2 balloons in the field. I was so sad. Kept looking out my window and didn't see anything. I was seriously bummed out.

Then I had to go to a meeting around 8 am, so as I was walking out, I passed a bunch of people standing around on the other side of the hallway. I went and looked out the seventh floor window and my mouth hit the floor. It was like the invasion of the balloons! There must have been 30 or 40 balloons in the air all drifting toward us. Wow! Okay, that was very cool.

Last night, I took hubby by and we saw the balloon glow at dusk. Very pretty, but otherwise, not much of a festival. Lots of food neither of us could eat and a couple of tshirt sellers.

Yesterday, I worked on faceting another stone. Got it halfway done. Not bad, considering I did a more complicated cut and I only had 3 hours to work on it. I should be able to finish it next Saturday, then I can take it home to show it off to my parents.

I bought a new pair of Cherokee khakis today, and then I realized that now that I'm a regular size, I can buy the same clothes online for cheaper. I never felt comfortable doing that before, because it was so hard to know what would fit and what wouldn't look good. On the downside, loose skin is starting to be an issue. I tried on a pair of knee-high boots and they fit over my calves! Something that never would have happened before. Unfortunately, they highlighted the loose skin around my knees. It's getting really bad on my tummy and my thighs. I'm really hoping it tightens up. Otherwise, I'm going to be looking at plastic surgery. Ugh.