Okay. I am feeling pretty upset with myself right now. LOL... so upset that I don't know how to start here in my journal, but it's 3 am and I can't sleep because I am feeling upset.
I would say that I have "cheated" the last couple of days. Everything has been fine until dinner time. We have been out the last couple of nights, once out to eat with some friends, and last night we were at a potluck. Both times I felt some kind of peer pressure to just eat and drink like everyone else and I hate that I gave into that. Nobody besides myself was making me feel this way.
I guess what's making me angry is that both nights I sincerely DID NOT WANT TO GO OFF PROGRAM, but I did anyway. It's like I felt as though I couldn't really find a L/G, so I just decided not to even really try that hard. I could have done a much better job of it all, I could have made better decisions. Plus, I added sugar to the event since I was off-roading anyway. I did this before, but I had made a conscious decision about it before and didn't feel out of control about it. The past two evenings I have not held the reigns like I would wish to.... and while I do not want to be over-controlling with myself when it comes to food, I do feel as though it's right for a person to feel as though they are not just a slave to it.
Part of what is bothering me is the fact that last night we got home and as if me going off program at the potluck were not bad enough, I stood there and ate some pasta (leftovers of the dish we brought) telling myself that I was not going to eat off program tomorrow so I better get it in while I can.
This is what I used to do... and just shovelled food in promising myself that I would make up for it the next day (and would eventually just do the same thing the next day, too).
So, I went to bed feeling gross, like the old days. And my belly feels disgusting and I have that feeling of just wishing the fat roll would go away finally. For a moment in my sleepy stupor, I thought that I needed to starve myself today to make up for my cheating yesterday. But then I woke up more and remembered that no, I don't need to starve myself. I just need to get back on program and stick with that.
I don't think I am going to weigh in on Sunday for roll call, although I will show up. I think it would be more detrimental for me than anything else. I will just get back on tomorrow, and weigh in next Sunday.
I ran into a person whom I have had to pretty much cut out of my life. I will admit that I have been feeling pretty emotional about it. This is not an excuse, because part of the deal with the program is to help learn different ways of dealing with those sorts of things, but I am just adding this portion to my post to be honest about the feelings I am dealing with at the moment.
Also, I have been feeling as though I wish I could just be done with the program and eating normal foods again. But obviously I still have some growing and learning to do. Okay, I guess we always do and I need to not be too hard on myself.
I have also been a little anxious about my recent plateau of 192.5 for days in a row. I had been getting anxious to reach the 180's, anxious to reach the 50 pound club, anxious to reach goal.
"Let patience have her perfect work."
The funny thing is that I haven't been on program for all that long. And I know that some people are on it much longer so I should probably just suck it up and quiet down with the complaining section of my mouth. Just yesterday I went for a walk in the morning before the sun rose and I was looking up at the stars in the sky. The sky was *so* clear. I was recalling the times when I used to walk during the spring, and the differences between those times and that very moment that I was walking again.
I recalled how fat and ugly I felt back then and the fact that I was walking for the main purpose of trying to lose weight instead of just enjoying the morning like I was yesterday. I had been desparately trying to get control over my life and just didn't really know how. I recall feeling so helpless about it all. I was thinking about how I felt that way and was packing around 40+ extra pounds even as late as June 25th !! And how just about 3 months later my life feels renewed !! I was feeling so grateful for the progress that has been made in my life. I need to remember that.
Anyway. I needed to write this stuff out, so, here I be.
Karli
. But here is the reason behind the desire to woot :
. I am THRILLED !!!
. I am a musician; singer and pianist. I am participating in a big singing program this week, all week... involving masterclasses and performances and so on everyday... it's a WONDERFUL thing to be able to wear some different clothes everyday and to be able to dress nicely each time I perform. It feels AMAZING !!
. I am definitely NOT all of those things. hee hee.
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