1) Complete a diary entry
2) Come clean to my husband about what I really weigh.
Ha. So, I did the weight confession with my hubby, who is pretty clueless about those things anyway, so he just didn’t really care. It was hard for me, but really rewarding to have it done with. Now I get to do this! Why, you might ask? Mostly for my benefit. Part of this journey for me is learning to be honest and accountable to and with myself so that I don’t end up right back where I was, wondering how I got there! The next step is to post some pics!
My struggle with weight has been going on for most of my life. I cannot remember a time when food wasn’t an issue. When I was very young my parents were “diet fanatics”. They tried every diet plan known to man, and I was along for the ride. I remember being really put out that I could never have things in my lunch that other kids did- white bread, Twinkies, even fruit roll-ups. Instead we were eating from the “food bible of the week” – the Aloe Vera diet, Weight Watchers, diet supplements, seaweed wraps, 4 fat grams a day, grapefruit diet, the Candida diet, etc etc etc. I cannot begin to remember how many there actually were, or what half of them were about! At one point my mom even developed and marketed her own plan for losing weight. ACK!
If we had consistently eaten healthy meals, I might have outgrown those temptations, however we hopped from diet to diet, and the glorious in-between diet times were filled with overly-large portions, sweet indulgences, and binges on forbidden foods! I learned that when yummy foods were available it was important to eat them, eat them fast, and eat a lot, because when something yummy was served at night, there was no guarantee it would be there in the morning. I learned to hide the foods I ate that weren’t “acceptable” in order to avoid the comments about how bad the food was- or worse, how much I really needed NOT to eat it.
As an adult I now realize that my parents were simply on a quest to find that perfect diet that would work for them, but as a child I thought there was something wrong with me. Those taboo foods began to represent a normalcy that seemed very out of reach in my life.
When I first began this journey I truly believed that I was not an emotional eater, because I didn’t eat when I was sad or upset. What I have learned Medifast is that I AM an emotional eater, because I use food as a reward, as a way to express my care for others (through cooking!) and as a way to celebrate important moments in life. As I began the plan I realized that as we looked forward to vacations, holidays, birthdays, etc I was finding all the times I could “cheat” and it would be okay. (Of course, cheating can’t possibly count if there is a good reason for it!
) I am continuing to work through the need to mark all milestones with food, and I think it will be something I struggle with for the rest of my life.
Looking back, I realize that part of the reason I associate food with celebration is that it was done that way when I was a child. Birthdays and holidays were never times my family was on a restrictive diet. It was okay to eat then without being reprimanded, or without the guilt that inevitably came along afterwards. Time spent with extended family and grandparents were always times when I was well-fed, even over-fed to compensate for some of the bizarre eating habits of my family. Once I was away at school and on my own, I was free to eat what I wanted but those feelings of guilt and the desire to hide what I ate followed closely behind. The more weight I gained the less value I felt I had in the eyes of my family, and eventually I shut off the ability to hear even the most constructive concerns about my weight in exchange for the freedom to eat how I wanted to eat.
As I got older and started my own family, I was so concerned about putting my children through the diet treadmill that I went overboard in the opposite direction. My husband and I are both great cooks and we used those skills to excess! There was no one around to tell me to limit what I ate, and I thumbed my nose at all of those horrible memories! Unfortunately, my desire to feed my family “normally” lead to a very rapid weight gain after my kids were born. I did try a few diet plans, and eventually sort of gave up. Partially out of denial that I had allowed myself to become so large, and partially because I just didn’t want to diet hop as my parents had done.
When we moved to Vermont 5 years ago I was at an all-time high. I weighed 235 pounds, and was SQUEEZING into a size 22. I had been married in a size 8. I immediately dropped about 15 pounds after we moved here- what with the shortage of sweet tea and fried foods aplenty!
Two years ago I left a very stressful job and decided that I needed to do something about my weight. I started on the 6 Week Body Makeover and lost about 20 pounds. Unfortunately the preparations for that were so time-consuming and expensive that I just couldn’t continue. I did continue, however, to eat reasonably well and managed to keep most of the weight off, but early this spring I took a good hard look at myself in the mirror and decided that I just don’t want to be fat anymore. The person I am on the inside is not the person that others see on the outside, and I’d like them to be one and the same! Since I’m quite fond of my “skinny” personality I’ve decided to make my body adjust!!!
I did quite a bit of research online to find a program that would work for me. It took me about 2 months to find and convince myself to commit to Medifast. In May I began the 5n1 program, and I have now lost 20 pounds. Many days are a struggle for me not to cheat. Not that I’m hungry, but hiding food and bingeing on “forbidden” foods is simply something I grew up with. I force myself to be honest about what I eat by keeping a food journal on mymedifast. I try hard not to “overlook” bad choices so that one cheat doesn’t become a slippery slope that lands me completely off plan.
I have actually had more success than I have ever had saying no to things that I love in favor of taking care of myself. I feel great, I’m losing well, and most importantly, my children see me taking control of my eating. Hopefully they will be able to follow suit and not struggle with this weight issue all of their lives. I allow them to eat fun treats, as well as encouraging them towards a balanced plate (veggies, healthy carbs, protein) and smaller portions. We all exercise together- even if it is a short walk or bike ride. My daughter is incredibly proud of me (she’s a skinny gymnast!) and tells me every day how well I’m doing. She is a great motivator!
As for my family, most of them still don’t know I’m losing weight. I frankly don’t want their compliments and feedback either way. I have had some comments from those who do know and they haven’t been overly supportive, so I rely on friends and this forum to help me stay on track!
I suppose that is really the long and short of it- hope you enjoy the read!
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