The MakeMeThinner Support Forum

[KimKim]

Okay, folks, I've finally decided to start my Journal, so here is the intro I wrote in May, I believe. I want to apologize for my statement on plastic surgery, as I'm sure it had to offend some of you who have had it and I could have expressed my opinion a bit better. I do think we live in an extremely sexist and misogynistic society that is constantly telling women every which way to slice and dice and reshape themselves to be accepted but I also realize vanity or low self-esteem is not the only reason why some of you on here have chosen to get plastic surgery, especially after your successful weight loss, so I hope you accept my apology for being somewhat insensitive.

I'm just keeping what I wrote here because this *was* my actual intro:

Hi Everybody,

I started Medifast 3.5 weeks ago and have lost 13 lbs, even with some "off plan activity" (oh for shame). I've actually done pretty well but after I learned my favorites, got some Walden Farms Dressing and DaVinci Sugar Free syrup, everything has been much better.

I tend to read alot so I don't have any questions at the moment because all of you have provided so many great answers.

My story: I'm a health nut, really, so it's really disturbing to have a weight problem. I was already overweight (I tend to carry it well, so folks did not see ALL of the extra weight or simply took it all as being a part of my statuesqueness ;-) and even then, I was an aerobics instructor (yes, you read that right and a darn good one as well). I did so much cardio and worked out constantly and did not understand why I could not reach my weight loss goals.

At the same time, I knew some of my weaknesses, which was essentially an addiction to sugar. So, I would pride myself on having organic fruit juices and not having soda but I had no clue (really, no clue) how much sugar I would ingest. It was usually no problem at all for me to drink 48oz of juice in a day, if not more. Sheesh.

I would learn more as I would be reading articles and whatnot. I got into aerobics because I love to dance, not because I knew about nutrition. The more I learned, I started to change some of my behaviors but was still not meeting my weight loss goals and I was firmly committed to NOT going on a diet. I knew, somehow, that those did not work and I was afraid of gaining weight back and then some, etc.

I've given up red meat for nine years. I eat it now. I've given up pork for the same. I eat it now. I drink *alot* of water and always have (one good habit I maintained) and when I gave up all soda and sugary drinks for water, that was a good thing. But I could never, it seems, get the *combination* and the timing right. I was either working out all the time and eating too much and too much of the wrong things (fast food, sugary stuff) or the wrong kinds of carbs (lots of corn, potatoes, rice, etc.) or getting lazy and not exercising as I would be eating much better.

I appreciate Medifast because I have been frustrated about being the person who exercised the most and still had to struggle with weight. I am able to tell you the above because I have far more clarity from my years of enlightening myself and also following the first diet I've ever followed in my life. I tend not to be disciplined, so this is a perfect challenge for me. I want to be proud of myself. I am also a womanist, so getting plastic surgery and whatnot is totally out of the question and, in my opinion, anti-woman and self-hatred---certainly if not for medical reasons.

Since being on Medifast, I've learned more about myself. First, I had some really bad habits that even a so-called health nut should not do. I had a near refusal to eat breakfast. Now that I have a real grasp of how important breakfast is to weight loss, I just can't believe myself. I mean, I would go for HOURS and HOURS without eating, I would be working out and dancing and then, lo and behold, consume everything in site *late* at night, sometimes healthy, sometimes not but I'm sure always too much, always too many calories and way too many bad carbs.

I did not eat frequently enough.
I skipped breakfast.
I ate too late.
I had too much sugar.
I had way too much fast food and I was under the impression that once or twice a week of it was okay---NO!
I had too many carbs.

This is a really bad combination of bad habits and if you couple that with a bit of emotional eating and then a depressive state that ensured a weight gain of about 60 pounds over a two year period, you can see why I'm happy about where I am now.

I already know I will be successful because while I have outlined these bad habits, many of them are now broken (I started this process before Medifast but I do believe Medifast has solidified them breaking) and I do have many *good* habits, enjoying water being one of them, not to mention the general love of oatmeal.

As for maintenance, as I shared, I had a real fear of gaining weight back and I did NOT believe Medifast could work. I thought I was just meant to be a larger woman because look at all I'd done to stay in shape?! I also learned, just a few years ago, that there are thyroid issues in my family. I was prescribed Synthroid but, again, I am a health nut and tend to be organically inclined, so after I purchased the prescription and read about it and its effects online, I took it back. I bought some sea kelp instead, which is said to help the thyroid in a natural, gentle way.

So, anyway, I started keeping a "transition and maintenance" journal where I wrote down what I ate with Medifast and what I could eat that would be similar once I was OFF Medifast. Maybe some of you should try that.

As I'm organically inclined, I use Xylitol as a sweetener and try to stay away from alternative sweeteners in general. I do use some Splenda and products with Splenda and Aspartame in it but I am extremely reluctant to do it and am just reminding myself that this part of it is temporary. I am also upset that Medifast contains high fructose corn syrup but I have had to get over that as well.

In the long run, I determined that while I have a fear of cancer, I also have a fear of diabetes, heart palpitations, depression, not living my dreams, not having healthy children, not being healthy, etc., all due to being overweight/obese, so I am taking the crookeds with the straights right now.

I have never been a wallflower, always outspoken and in the limelight, so I am NOT one of these women that believes in engaging in self-hatred and constant flagellation while one is overweight. If you are a beautiful person, you are a beautiful person, period. Sure, you are MORE beautiful (inside and out) when you are a HEALTHY person. I don't have a desire to be "thin" and I doubt I ever will be, since I have a more muscular build and am not built like an ectomorph. I do, however, have a deep and abiding desire to be HEALTHY and FIT. So, my philosophy is that "nothing tastes as good as being healthy and fit feels!"

I wish you all the best and congratulate you on your respective journeys.

By the way, can I get the #10 club hookup, please?

Thanks!

Kim

[KimKim]

Okay, so . . .

Maybe you all can help me with what goes on with me psychologically, with food, my life, etc.

I am used to being very active but before I started my own structured, low carb eating plan that only frustratingly resulted in a 2lb weight loss, I found myself unable to really get out of bed, not just in the morning but all day. It's partly the environment, part dissatisfaction and, yeah, right now I'm working on my own so I can't get fired for not getting out of bed ;-) But even when I was doing my work, I would do it with my laptop on my bed. I forced myself out of that but it took a while. I would work and then nap, work and then nap. I was just really tired and I knew it had everything to do with both my mood and my weight. I knew I was not just going to jump up and go to the gym and I was also worried about finances, so when Medifast came along, it seemed the good thing to do to give me a jump start and boy did it. I never felt the jump in energy the way other people say they did but the weight came off anyway and that was what I needed.

I'm a dancer/performer/part Athlete, so not doing what I love was really tearing me up. A part of my success with Medifast was in preparation for a show.

I lost 25 - 26 lbs on Medifast and then I started feeling flabby, deprived and just generally rebellious. And, yet, nothing had ever worked like this for me before and I know I cannot do weight loss on my own. I am generally undisciplined with things like this and need more structure.

So, the bargain I made with myself is that if I was going to go off Medifast, I HAD to join the gym. So, I did and my plan was to try to go every. single. day. I am a group exerciser, so I was just telling myself to go, go, go. And for the most part, I did and was so proud of myself. Kickboxing, salsa class, step, it was absolutely wonderful, even though I was exhausted by it as well. Of course, had I done this WITH Medifast, I would probably be down 40-50 lbs by now but nooooo . . . why would I do that? Why would I do things in the most productive and time efficent manner?

Before I went to Cali, I gained 3 pounds and then another 3 - 4 after that, so I gained a total of 7 lbs off Medifast. Depressing but I'm working my way back and there is a part of me that is not sorry for this. This is progress, not perfection, as someone has said before. the one thing I am definitely committed to is Medifast, meaning that I am not leaving it. Even when I was "off", I was having shakes and bars here and there.

But the trip back has been hard and it hasn't been as easy to jump back on the bandwagon after being off so long, so I am paying the price for my undisciplined behavior and, yet, I am much more fit, solid and the inches are down, so it's a catch-22. I am just reminding myself that if I just do BOTH, I will work wonders.

The hard part:

I had a bout with a bagel and cream cheese yesterday morning while there for a workshop. I am realizing that social eating is very hard for me. I don't want to feel "left out" even if I make a healthy choice. I was trying to think how bad a bagel could be. Maybe I could skip the bar today or something, right? Well, I was pretty depressed when I saw how many carbs the bagel had after putting it into my diary later on that night. 64?!!! And the cream cheese? i had my daily allowance of carbs with that one mistake. So depressing . . .

I moved forward and still had my lean and green but was feeling rather "cravy" (hey, I think I'll keep that made up word), so I had two endulge caramel nut bars from Atkins. Trust me, it saved me from going completely over the top but with those two bars came 280 calories and 28 carbs.

<<sigh>>

[KimKim]

Amazingly, I was down a full lb this morning, anyway. But I'm vowing that today will be the day I'm 100% compliant. I've not had my "five" in one day since I've been back on and I have recently decided that instead of a piece of cheese here or there, I will just have a supplement. It sounds ridiculous that I would have this struggle but there it is. Goodness gracious, I know this plan works but isn't it amazing the kind of emotional and psychological journey one must make right along with it?

By the way, the reason why I lost one pound is because of going to my step class the other day and going to the gym a day or so before that. Seriously, exercise can help you and I still feel good physically and my inches remain in check as I struggle through my compliance.

Now here's the thing about rules, regulations and compliance. For some reason, I can walk past a mountain of food and it doesn't bother me. I have achieved the "Biggest Loser" complexities in that I am not the least bit tempted (maybe ever-so-slightly but not enough to make me really contemplate cheating) by the aisles full of holiday candy or even the smells, really. I was standing at the bus stop the other day near a McDonald's and the smell of french fries and the oil it's soaked in only reminded me of how much that *would* have tempted me in the past but how much it doesn't tempt me anymore. Oh, thank you Medifast, thank you. I don't want to be a part of the Fast Food Nation. Really. Thank you for freeing me from Wendy's delicious but unhealthy food, as well as McDonald's fries (I always thought Wendy's and Burger King's burgers were better but a good Filet O Fish with fries always seemed nice). I will now pay my extra money to get a sandwich on a multigrain roll instead of that cheap crap.

Anyway, it's the rules that I follow and the ones that really get to me that I don't quite understand my reaction to, really. For example, in terms of following the rules, I have never, ever, ever had more than one bar in a day. I've never had more than the allotted pickle or jello cup and I think it was just a couple of times that I had crackers and soy crisps in one day.

BUT . . .

I am the same one that went off of Medifast for 2 months. And why? Because the sense or feeling of deprivation grew to the extent that I wanted to lash out and just have my healthy foods. Why can't I have a piece of multigrain bread, for goodness sakes!!!! Tuna on Wheat? A bit of Smart Start or Back-to-Nature cereal? (Remember, I'm the fit and fat health nut ;-)

So I started to have a small handful of nuts or a 1 oz block of the cabot light cheddar cheese. Sooo tasty. But then, that is 100 calories and for that, I could have had another Medimeal. But Medimeals are also carby and that is the tradeoff.

When I was having particularly strong cravings for sweets, I tried to save myself with a caramel nut Atkins bar. This has helped me tremendously and kept me "compliant" in terms of staying in ketosis MANY a day, trust me.

Then it was the whole issue with Medifast and exercise. My classes are 60 minutes with 30 minutes of intensity. When I go, I don't stop, I give it my all and feel great! I love Step and Kickboxing and those are high intensity classes. I was wiggling and jiggling all over the place but I HAD to tap into the athleticism of my past because just losing flab was not enough for me. But I would be breaking Medirules and apparently slowing down my weight loss if I did this while ON MF.

Maybe it's hard for me to explain because I am a performer and I am always "out there" (cheers to you, DramaQueen, I do understand), so my identity is not always tied up into my weight or, rather, I am not constantly punished nor do I punish myself because of my weight, nor do I allow myself to be a constant punching bag because of my weight. My accomplishments are more than self-evident (as a performer) DESPITE my weight. I'm sure this is why I sometimes rationalize my cheating.

And, yet, I have my own standards and it's also the biggest, hardest struggle I've had. And I want to be proud of myself for being disciplined and sticking to it. I've had moments but I'd like for it to be longer and I'd like to be on the ecstatic end when I reach MY own weight loss goals. So, I DO want to stay compliant, lose the weight and move on with my life.

I've learned alot, even about my carby weaknesses and what I'll have to do long term and I know that giving myself a weight jumpstart and an exercise jumpstart was really beneficial for me. I wouldn't recommend going off Medifast to anyone else and I probably should not have done it myself.

But this is my journey and my journal, so that's my story and I'm sticking to it ;-)

What are your thoughts? Suggestions? What do you see that I may not be seeing? You know how it is, we always see other people much clearer than we see ourselves.

I'm open,

Kim

[KimKim]

Yes.

I was 80% compliant today. It's hilarious to pat myself on the back for this but I only had three MF today because I stayed up very late and woke up at noon and had my first Medimeal after 1pm. But I'm proud of myself for having my L&G before heading to the theater and even though I tucked an Atkins caramel nut bar in my purse before heading out, in an effort to save myself from buying any snacks at the theater (social eating is a hurdle for me), I did not need it at all! Yes!

When I got home, I made banana pudding for whatever late night craving I was going to have. I ate it about an hour later and if I want to, I can still have a MF before I go to sleep. I doubt it, though, because it's only been an hour and I'm full.

No exercise today but I took in 800 calories after working in my bed on my laptop most of the day.

Not bad.

Tomorrow . . . let's go for 100%! ;-)

Kim

[Lauren]

Hey, KimKim-

So, I wouldn't chime in, as it's your journal, and your place to "vent" and analyze your behaviors and all that good stuff, but you asked for our suggestions and thoughts, so I figured I'd respond. Hope that's cool!

I think it is fantastic that you are so fit, and there's nothing better for the future of your health (physical and mental) to have exercise be such a large part of your life. You should definitely maintain that part of you, it's the one that will always benefit you.

From reading your notes, however, I think your doing a few different things that sabotage your success. For one thing, you keep referring to your desire and need for health food - but, Kim, MF is health food. And your desire to hunker down into a cabot cheese and some nuts is not about "health food," those are your trigger junk foods. For some, it's Mcdonalds and Wendy's, for others it's chips and cakes, and for you (and me!) it's yummy rich stuff, like cheeses and grains and nuts. Don't disguise it as your body craving healthy food - it's not. This is your body going to what it enjoys most, fattening food! While moderate amounts of cheese and nuts are indeed healthy, they are NOT good for dieting. And you most certain do NOT require them to get your body into its fittest state. In fact, I love cheese so much, that I did not have any this entire time on MF, because I knew it would be a trigger.

Something I've learned from my own experience on MF and from watching others here is that you really have to have that "switch" go on in your brain that there is no alternative to this. There is nothing you wouldn't do to make this work. You will follow the plan in its exact form, because that is the only way to reach your goal, and reaching your goal is the single most important thing in the world in your mind. This is what drives the people who see the most success. You have so many comments and opinions on women, body image, exercise, what's "good" for you, your perception of your fitness, etc. etc. All of it's valuable and insightful and good for you to explore. But the truth is that none of it matters here. The only thing that matters is whether or not you are unhappy enough with your current weight that it's worth it to you to shift your entire mentality to focus on MF.

By the way, I don't think this is just true for MF, I think it's true for any diet. While I LIVE, BREATHE, DREAM, LOVE Medifast, I believe that when anyone has the "click" in the brain, any good diet could work. This is a mental shift. You can't just rely on MF, you have to rely on yourself to work the program.

My big and final opinion, which I hope you take with care and kindness, and not in any way as a negative comment, is that you are making grand sweeping gestures and comments to your health and fitness, but not actually making real, hardcore, small-scale choices that will lead to your success.

We can all talk and think big. The key is to just stop analyzing it, and start doing it. Just do it. Hear this again: stop thinking about it, and just do it. Not 80%, but 100%. Just do it.

All my best to you!

Lauren

[DogMa]

I wouldn't say that nuts and cheese aren't good for dieting. They're perfectly fine on some plans. BUT they're not suitable for Medifast. If you've chosen to follow the Medifast plan, then I think you should follow it. As written. One hundred percent.

If that doesn't work, THEN it's time to tweak it. But first you need to follow the plan and give it a chance.

BTW, the LAST thing you want to do is skip a meal. You're eating less than Medifast requires, and then you wonder why you're reaching for nuts and cheese? Kim, it's not your body craving those things, it's that you're STARVING YOURSELF. Eat all that Medifast tells you, and you'll be surprised how quickly those "cravings" go away.

Good luck!

[Lauren]

Ha! Robin, I swear I almost went back in after I hit "submit" to change that comment and say "specific to MF dieting," because I agree that nuts and cheese can be healthy options for a well-rounded diet. Just not MF.

So I agree with you!

Lauren

[KimKim]

Hi Lauren and Robin!

Thanks so much, I really appreciate your comments. Lauren, I do not have thin skin, so please don't think I am offended by *anything* you said. I really appreciate your and Robin's insight because I knew I was sabotaging my diet but I could not put an exact finger on the how/why other than that I knew I wasn't being compliant and wouldn't stop cheating with LITTLE things.

See, the juice thing was something that was hard for me to conquer and I did. Wendy's used to be a BIG trigger for me and I think I've gotten over that. I guess because I got over what were my largest triggers or perhaps just the most frequent, I was overlooking something so small . . . one ounce of lowfat cheese. I remember when I read about Cabot on this board and I wasn't abusing it at first. I had a piece with salad or something. And then I tried to have it as a snack to stave off a craving. And the next thing I know, I was headed down a slippery slope, which had me plateau, I was not exercising and though I knew Medifast worked, I was stuck. And there was no way I was giving up the bar. ;-)

I really appreciate you highlighting this for me. Seriously. I did not think about the cheese or the nuts as being trigger foods. As I said, you can always see so clearly for someone else and not as clear for yourself. Thanks!

I will work on being 100% compliant. And the smaller choices. But please know those larger ones were very hard as well. I approached this with fear and fervor, with my charts and the diaries and everything. I had and have a deep and abiding fear that I will fail and I don't want to. I've read on here other people who have said they have achieved alot in life but simply haven't been able to kick this struggle . . . yet . . . so I can relate.

Also, we all have our different struggles. Just because I have strong ideas and willpower in one area doesn't mean I have it in others. I hope I'm not putting people off because I'm not saying that I hate myself or my comments regarding my defense of women (and myself!). I believe in being healthy but we are *also* constantly told how we're not good enough and maybe that's why so many of us got to where we are, anyway.

I've had my really long, depressive bouts with low self-esteem and although things aren't perfect now, I just can't go back there again.

I'm sure you all understand.

Thanks,

Kim

[DogMa]

No one expects you to be perfect, Kim (except maybe you; I think most of us are familiar with THAT problem). We're all works in progress.

I would guess that no matter how much you're aware of the problem and how much you try to do everything exactly right, there will still be slips and difficult times. Most, if not all, of us have them. The important thing is to stop, think about what you're doing and LEARN from it. Look at why you slip (like skipping meals, or any other triggers) and try to head off those situations before they happen (by always, always carrying extra Medifast so you don't miss a meal or get too hungry, or even getting rid of all the nuts and cheese - assuming you don't have a family that needs them - until you've got it under control; I'm sure you'll have plenty of ideas).

You can do this. It may sometimes be two steps forward and one step back, but that's OK. You still end up ahead in the end.

The nuts and cheese - and even Wendy's - will all still be there for you in maintenance, when you can have them in controlled amounts. I can pretty much guarantee they're not going to disappear from the planet anytime soon.

Hang in there!!

[KimKim]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

That's hilarious, Robin! Thanks for the reassurance that Wendy's would be there for me! LOL

I definitely try to quell the perfectionist trait in me. Yes, I do have it and I've also learned that is a tell-tale sign of a self-esteem issue.

I just *really* want to do this and do it right and I have way more memories of my little cheats everyday on Medifast than I have of my being totally compliant.

And I *am* tired of the weight. The idea of being "fit but fat" is an oxymoron that I thought others would find amusing. Apparently not.

But here's something funny. You know how you can be numb to your weight and then after some dieting and maybe exercise, you suddenly become more aware and in tune with your body? Well, it was pretty funny when that happened to me because I was definitely a bit numb and I was laughing to myself when I felt *everything* wiggle and jiggle in exercise class. It didn't stop me but wow . . . wow . . . every punch thrown, every little hop, it was the turkey arms there and the full midsection there.

I'm sure I mentioned that I'm just about six feet tall so there is really no hiding for us "big girls". Try as we might, our height and added weight just makes life quite miserable and, in some ways, unbearable for us. Maybe I should have explained that earlier but there are other tall, beautiful women on this board and they have talked about this to an extent, anyway.

And I *am* going to do this. The one thing I'm proud of is that I haven't given up on Medifast. I've never done a structured diet before. Never! I am so thankful that THIS one is the one I chose. I bought some Atkins shakes a while back and just had a general rule of "no sugar" and "no refined carbs" and I did lose some but since it was just my homemade diet mixed with a hodge podge of health advice, I just gained what little weight I lost right back.

I believe this time I have found the ticket and if you all can hang in there, I darn sure can, too. I'm gonna do this.

Today, I woke up very late again so my first meal wasn't until 2pm. I realize that I can so easily go back to the BAD habit of not eating breakfast. I drank my chai latte about an hour or so later, which isn't good. I should have had it as soon as I got up. Three hours later and it's dinner time, so I had my lean and green. I had some chocolate pudding not too long ago. But that's only two Medimeals and one L&G.

Robin, sometimes the meals get skipped because of my ridiculous schedule. It's not a night shift, so I will be back in bed no later than 3am, which means I wasn't up for more than 14 hours. sometimes I work for long stretches of time at the computer and I skipped my exercise today. <<sigh>>

Trying again tomorrow . . .

I bought the nuts and cheese for my mother, at first but then also for me. I am going to ignore them. I can do it, especially now that I'm more aware. It's interesting that the cheese is an acceptable product and yet it's a trigger for me. So, I have to watch that. I always knew the nuts were illegal. I was just trying to stay in ketosis.

I guess a non-scale victory for me these days is that when I'm in bed and I'm my back, my tummy doesn't protrude the way it used to. I'm very happy for that and look forward to reuniting with my waist. It's been a long time.

Kim

[DogMa]

Kim, we shorties have trouble, too, in that every single freakin' pound shows on us. Sigh. Even at this weight, I'm far from tiny (except in stature! I'd come up to your belly button).

If you're not up that many hours, you can still cram in some more meals if you just have 'em a little closer together. It'll help, and it may give you more energy, too! I'd have 'em two hours apart on those days, if it were me.

I work nights, so I usually don't get to bed till 3 or so. But I find that these days I rarely sleep past 10. It's amazing what getting more calories will do for you (and with only two Medimeals and an L&G, you're REALLY low on calories; I'm surprised you have the energy to type!).

You'll do this. It just takes some getting used to, and figuring out a schedule. But you'll get it.

[KimKim]

Thanks, Robin, I really appreciate the support.

I don't always have such a late schedule. It goes back and forth. I thought I was going to bed but ended up staying up later, so I went ahead and had a banana pudding. It was tasty and I was glad.

Sadly, however, I've realized that I both have a fear of failure and a fear of success. Hence, I sabotage. I even took three walnuts and pressed them together to sprinkle on my banana pudding. I'm sure I would not have missed it but small decision failure and sabotage raised it's ugly head again.

I'm going to start again tomorrow and I am going to stick with the program. I am not going to have anything except Medifast products. I might go over, maybe I'll have two extra meals. I'm not sure how it's going to go but I see that my first mini-goal is to just STICK to the doggone program as is, no skipping meals, no extra stuff, no cheese and definitely no nuts.

I can't believe this is my goal. I just can't believe it. But this is where I am.

Kim
p.s. I'm not sure why I still have so much energy after skipping meals but I did run out of gas trying to take an exercise class last week without having a bar beforehand. I learned that lesson. I also didn't do much these last few days. I've just been sedentary, at the computer, trying to meet deadlines and finish up some goals. <<sigh>>

[DogMa]

You can do it. If taking it one day at a time is too hard right now. how about three hours at a time? You can handle that, right? So "I may add some nuts later on, but right now, for this one meal, I'm just going to have Medifast."

And good for you for having the pudding! Pudding with three walnuts is better than just walnuts, or a handful of walnuts, right?

[KimKim]

Hi Robin,

Absolutely, the three walnuts was my last, I believe.

I stayed up 'til close to 6am last night, so woke up at 1pm but had my MF cocoa at 1:23. That's a good record for me! So far, so good.

My mini-goal today is to just do the program. As simple and as basic as it sounds. I think this restart will be better than the first time I tried the program because I, laughingly, thought I could handle going out to a restaurant with a friend on just my 3rd day of being on MF. Wow. Little did I know that social eating would be one of my *biggest* hurdles. So, now I've had a full week at home with all of my trials and tribulations but I am not going to get bent out of shape about it. I am back on the program, for better or for worse and this day is turning out to be better, starting things off right, no matter my schedule. I don't care what it takes. I am going to have six meals today and be compliant.

This is my one day at a time. Hours at a time. Can do . . .

Now I had another sad realization last night:

I'm trying to conquer the psychological and emotional issues of sabotaging myself out of fear that I won't really make it to goal. I knew I would lose weight but I don't *really* believe I can shed the excess weight I've carried around for what seems like a lifetime. I started MF as a non-believer and I realize that because of my past history with my weight and, as I mentioned to someone a bit earlier, I was even an overweight aerobics instructor and a very good one. I was effective with my classes because I knew what it was like to carry around that extra weight, to struggle, to be in pain trying to push through the ab work and whatnot. I was popular precisely because I did not have an "I was always this fit" story to share with the group. And being overweight, I could tell when people were being pushed beyond their comfort zone and my classes were for everyone, not just the consistent attendees.

As an aside, Sarya, your pilates instructor is an ass for only catering to the elite group of people who come all the time. That is NOT her job. Her job is to show everyone how to do it and then show both the BASIC moves and the ADVANCED moves so that everyone can feel comfortable and move at their own pace. You don't get to advanced by not mastering the basic moves and this is supposed to be fun, not a pilates competition. When I read your journal, I meant to write all of this out but I was going through my own emotional turmoil. Kudos for you for going back and, yes, write the director an anonymous note.

So anyway . . .

I was certainly trying to reach my goals but I don't even think I knew what my weight loss goals were at that time or how I would get there (well, by exercising). I had no idea that my McDonald's here and Wendy's there would be *so* damaging to me. I was a carb-laden fool and didn't have a clue. So, when I say my weight did not stop me, I'm saying that it, literally, did not stop me from jumping around and motivating others and doing it well. I taught it all, hi/lo, step, slide, low impact, kickboxing, the list goes on. And I have never, ever, ever looked like the instructors we are all used to seeing but it was like mind over matter. I figured my weight would come down eventually. What I realize I was doing all that time, thankfully enough, was losing a little bit of weight but mostly maintaining because I did not have the nutrition element in check. I didn't understand it, much less master it.

On top of that, I really believed it was something I could do myself. It couldn't be that hard, right? I mean, I ran into people who said they stopped eating sweets and they lost 30lbs. I figured I could do something like that. Or no fast food "for a while" (yes, this was my rationale) LOL.

So, all that to say . . . in the back of my head, I don't *really* believe that I can get past my usual loss of 20lbs. And, sure enough, I didn't get much further than that on MF before I felt like "the old me" (still, the overweight old me but the much more functional old me) and with some NSV's under my belt and compliments and a shrunken belly . . . oh yeah, I was on my way! I didn't plan on stopping but I definitely became less vigilant and my small cheats were more consistent. I was even back dancing again and, wow, it had been years.

So, here I am now, reminding myself that I DO have a weight loss goal and it is far beyond 20 doggone lbs. I am still quite overweight (indeed, obese which is very hard to accept and type) and as we know, being tall you may carry it a bit different but it's still there. I now have a system. I now have help. I know this works and I have brought back the exercise. This has to be it for me. I never had the combination together. It was always eat right *or* exercise and I never had a structured program for eating. Now I do and this can be it for me. I am going to repeat this to myself until I actually believe it in my heart, mind and soul:

Kim, you CAN reach your weight loss goals. Completely. Not just a little. Not just a mini-goal but for real, so that this is no longer a major issue for you; and THIS is the time you will do it. THIS is the program and you CAN stick to it.

This is my next hurdle. After that, the idea that I could conquer this for life is probably the next hurdle.

I remember when someone said on the forum something like "this is the last diet you'll ever have to go on". I know it's a lifestyle change but just the finality of that statement made my heart tingle with glee at just the thought. I am going to remember that, especially as so many of us have worked our way back here.

Hey, mantras work . . .

Thanks for reading and any thoughts you all have, please do share. It helps!


Kim

[KimKim]

Well, I changed my ticker to reflect my present weight loss. I thought I was going to have to get kicked out of the #20 lb club but I don't have to this time. I got down to 242 and gained back 7 lbs but by the time I got back on here, I had already lost another lb and another lb this week, so I'm right back at my "yeah, I made it to 20lbs" moment (sort of).

I'm pretty amazed at the 242 because I remember the day I weighed myself before going to a dinner party and I was 239. I knew I would not remain there because I blatantly chose to go to the dinner party and knew I would have whatever I wanted there, as it was the beginning of my "let's take a break from MF" downfall. Wow. I could have been down 50lbs by now. I know it for a fact.

But that's okay, I'm back on and am paying the price (literally and figuratively), so I'll pull it together.

Minigoal - be compliant for 1 full day; next for 3 full days; next, to lose the next 20lb and watch some miracles happen.

My first major goal has been to get to 224, for reasons I'll explain later. If I lose 20lbs, I'll be just 3 shy away from that goal and will be in amazement. I think that is the point at which I will become a full believer that I can actually meet my goals.

At my height and stature, getting into "onederland" means I will be exceptionally close to goal, so that will be another moment of celebration in and of itself.

Wow, I'm starting to believe it more already.

Time to chow,

Kim