Fair warning, This is lonnnnng and rambling...I am not at my best today but I have the time, so here goes. My punctuation or attempt at it, REALLY sucks!
Well, here I am. Gina, Mary Regina, really, but my mom and dad's hippie friends we're all hot for Gina LolaBrigada(however ya spell it) so they begged my parents to call me Gina.
I was born in Dec of 1969 and have always been chubby, pleasantly plump I wasn't always "fat" but I always felt fat, as long as I can remember. Lookin back at photographs of my pre-pubescent body..I wasn't even chubby..not even babyfat..but, I felt fat.
My brothers teased me horribly as I began going through puberty and developing. My Father, used to pick at me for overeating, make comments in front of other family members or friends we had over for dinner. And, honestly, the feelings that I was fat were just re-enforced.
At about 13 I was probably around 5 feet tall and weighed approx 130. I felt and saw Fat. I wore baggy clothes, I starved myself, I made myself puke. I lost weight and people noticed and reacted positively and I further convinced myself that I was fat and being fat to me meant I didn't deserve to be hugged, loved, I wasn't equal to my peers.
I got bigger...by the time I was 18 I was over 200 pounds, probably around 220. I was very shy, painfully so and my social skills were basically nonexistent. I didn't know how to handle a normal conversation with anyone really, I was so self-concious it was hard to even focus on speech. I would go to peices, get flustered and felt pretty much like a freak. I moved out on my own at the age of 21 and held down two jobs.. I starved myself for three months and lost 70 pounds. I decided I was going to join in on life..I was tired of watching other people living and I felt like I was standing outside the window of life watching and Deparate to join in. I never thought I would get married or have children. I was so convinced of this that I had a plan in place that even tho I didn't drink I would get drunk and try to get pregnant just so I could have kids...lol
Writing this all out...I can now see just how undeserving of love that I felt I was..it's sad, even to me.
Anyway, I lost that weight..dropped down to about 170. I felt better and I met my first husband. I was so surprised that he even wanted to go out with me.. I was so caught up in the fact that someone, ANYONE was paying attention to me. I fell in love with just having "someone" I was just so greatful that someone wanted ME.... I married him...he is an alcoholic and it wasn't a nice marriage or relationship. We stayed married for 5 years and had two children together...I left when my youngest was almost 1. I was probably around 250 and felt miserable. But free... and safe.
I lost a lotta weight and went back down to around 190. My highest at that point had been at the height of my pregnancies at 270.
I went back to school and lived with my parents. I became exhausted, working weekends, driving into Pittsburgh daily and trying to care for my two toddlers(they are 14 months apart in age) on my small amounts of time I was home. My kids were calling my mom, Mom and that hurt.. I was dating but finding that very difficult. I was firmly convinced I would not get married again because I didn't want to be hurt again. My Dear Husband now was very patient and became my best friend....when I realized I loved him it was like a light went on in my head..We got married in April of 2000 and life, with him, has been wonderful.. He is the best thing to ever happen to me and my kids. They love him and he loves them and he makes us all feel loved, and secure. He is a true gentleman and my best friend ever, I will love him forever.
I had a lot of baggage....I was really insecure. My ex wasn't nice about the weight and mentally and physcially abusive during the marriage. I was scared to say how I felt about things so I was pushing a lot of insecurity down....not trusting my new hubby like I should and not telling him. It caused a lot of problems early in the marriage and we had to learn to talk to each other. I needed to learn how to tell him how I was feeling and he needed to learn that when I did that he shouldn't feel he had done anything to cause me to feel that way it was all baggage. lol
Happy couples sometimes...eat happily along. We both enjoy good food and when you feel secure with the love your partner has for you...he loves me no matter what size(and he really does) its like a ticket to go "Hog-wild" I did. We also actively tried to get pregnant from day one, testing, fertility drugs(cause weight gain) charting, takeing my temp daily for over 2 years.
We put a lot of time and energy into trying to conceive...that caused a lotta stress and I continued to gain weight.
Over a year ago I just stopped...We are not trying too or not..if it happens, it happens. I quit smoking In Sept. of 2005 and gained 20-25 pounds bringing me to my highest ever in Jan 2006 of 276 pounds.
I really felt like I was trapped. Encased in a layer of fat that was impossible to escape. I tried other diets over the years and lost a little gained it all back plus. You know the story. I lost 30 on Atkins back in 2004 I believe, it was then we found out hubby had renal cell carcinoma and had to have a right radical nephectomy(his right kidney removed) we didn't know for sure it was cancer until the kidney was out... When they told us I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I was scared. I think I was in shock and I felt like I had already lost him. What I recognize now is that I was was in mourning of sorts I was mourning that blissful ignorance and secure feeling that nothing bad can happen to people you love. To this day I have a real deeply seated fear of loseing the people close to me, the people I love..that wasn't there before. It really terrifies me. Anyway, I keep sidetracking myself..lol After, the cancer I really didn't care what I ate or didn't. Hubby became depressed and I think I was too for a time.. We were plain scared every single dr visit was so stressful, every follow-up was dreaded.
Hubby became super worried over every ache, pain, headache. It was very stressful because even a muscle ache would send him into a depression and worry of what it "could be" I knew that was normal and I was experiencing the same type of worries but life has to go on...and we had a blowout at one point where I finally had to tell him that he needed to stop...stop worrying about what MIGHT be going on...get it checked but in the meantime LIVE!!!! Cause, he didn't die but he was living like he was going too. That was a real turning point for both of us I think. We decided we were just letting life happen to us instead of trying to make it the best we could.
I will be back later to finish...gotta run..
Ok...Let me try to wrap this up.lol Sorry Jenn for making ya wait.
and thanks all for the nice comments.
Quitting smoking....successfully, gave me a lot of confidence. Year after year I have made that resolution On January 1st...You know the one.. Gonna lose weight, quit smoking, be healthier, be a better mother, wife, person..etc. This year I made that resolution again. And I tried loseing, lost 8 pounds from Jan- Feb but Its so painfully slow that way and I was hungry and discouraged. I needed help so I went searching for a plan online. I had been on Medifast in my teens so I looked that up and was delighted to see I could purchase the products online. The cost is a little daunting for us but by not smoking I am saving about 150 a month so I felt justified funneling those funds into medifast products. lol Hubby has been very supportive and now is loseing weight with the help of medifast also.
Medifast has taught me so much..about cooking healthy, meal spacing, meal choices. I feel like a different person and recently told an online friend(ya know who you are) that most days I feel like I just want to dance through my days..and I still have a pretty long way to go in the journey. I can imagine how I will feel at the end of it. My BMI was 50 when I started, currently it's 37 I am blown away DAILY by the changes that are occuring. I realized over the holiday that I have changed...not only physically but emotionally. I VALUE myself now and I have expectations on how I want to be treated not only want but I EXPECT to be accepted and for people to want to hang out with me. It was a really odd realization. It also does make me a bit sad that I still had/have those old feelings that my being fat=not desirable, acceptable, loveable..etc and that now that I am loseing I do deserve it. It's crazy I realize with my head that this is a rediculous concept but still..there it is.
I would like to also state here that as of right now my husband and I are actually doing more of a modified Plan...were useing the medifast "format" or formula..5 small meals and 1 lean and green but we are substituting some "comparable" products for some of the products. Also, still useing some medifast products I would prefer to be on the full medifast but right now we just can't afford it and I feel sort of deceitful saying were "on-plan" when in actuallity we're not sticktly on medifast.
As you can see I am pretty long-winded..lol so I am sure I will be back to update...I wish all well on their journeys and I want to say also that I appreciate this board, the board owners, and all of the people here who encourage and support one another and share their lives, successes and failures along the way. It all helps...it inspires and I thank each of you.
Continuing the journey....
Hugs,
Gina
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ol
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