So here goes... I'm just going to go back to where I knew I needed help..and skip through to where I am today...bear with me.
Feb. 23, 2006
Reality Check
You know that problem people with anorexia have, where they look in the mirror and see themselves as fat? I look in the mirror and say, "hey you look pretty good." Well, that came to a crashing hault when I went to lunch with some coworkers for a celebration and we had someone who worked there to take our picture outside in the patio area....well, I saw those pictures and DID NOT recognize myself. Why didn't I see that I was getting as big as VW Bug?? How can my mind lie to myself for so long? And damn that "clothing store" for making big clothes and saying they're a 14/16!!
I then had to go to my Dr. for a sick visit and donchya know they have me hop on that scale. OMG!!! That's wrong!! That scale is wrong. There is absolutely no way I weigh 227...NO WAY I didn't even weigh that when I went to deliver 3 of my babies....I'm not pregnant, so I can't use that as an excuse. HOLY SMOKES I'm FAT!!!!!
So I cried and felt really sorry for myself. Then I got mad at myself for letting me get so big and not seeing it. And then I decided to do something about it.
I lost 13 lbs the first week... 17 in 2 weeks.....then leveled off to 1-3 lbs a week...sometimes none, but if I didn't lose weight I lost inches. So that kept me motivated to keep going.
This weightloss journey has not only been a journey about weight, but a journey of self discovery. I didn't realize how much I was hiding behind my weight until it started to come off and I was no longer invisible. Feelings and emotions that I hadn't let myself feel in years came to the surface and I had absolutely nothing else to do but deal with them, especially, since I couldn't push them back down with food.
Not only have I had to deal with things, but also my husband. He's had to deal with me not being the fat wife everywhere we go. Me getting attention for my weightloss and trying to be supportive of me and not feel insecure...then he started doing MF too.
He's not 100% compliant some days, but he tries and he eats 100 times better than he did before.
Now in the last 4 months, I have shrunk out of every article of clothing I own, except for a few things I saved from the 1990's and 2 pairs of gap jeans from the 1980s...Every woman has her skinny jeans...someday I'm going to fit into them and I may just wear them out in public even though they are out of style. So I went to the store in May and bought a few things to tide me over....size 14's and my vanity sized jeans.
Well, skip to last thursday......
Shopping Spree!!!
Well sort of.
I've been going through some "woe is me" crap lately when it comes to my wardrobe or lack there of... In the late summer and fall of 2005 I went on a HUGE shopping spree because I started working and didn't own anything that was more dressed up than what you'd wear to the pizza barn. Well, I did own dressier stuff, but it was too small. So I went to Lane Bryant and spent a small fortune on clothes. I tried regular department stores, like JC Penney, but once you skipped up to the Women's section the clothes were ugly and old ladyish.
Anyway.....so skip to the new year and now I'm losing weight....by March I was swimming in the clothes...by April I couldn't wear anything. Dress pants and skirts don't have belt loops. LOL! So to avoid dropping trau all over I need some clothes...So I grabbed the girls and said, we're going shopping...Kohl's big sale started yesterday...I needed a suit....at least a business skirt and some blouses to get me through 3 days when I go to Texas... So I go and see blazers (black, grey, and camel)...I look at the black.. the sizes are 6, 10, 12, 18, So I grab a 12 and say a little prayer....then I see some dress skirts sizes 4, 6, 12...so I grab a 12. Head to the dressing room feeling defeated. The girls are saying all the way to the dressing rooms, "those are too skinny for you." I just want to sceam "shut up I know!!!"
Go in try on the skirt....pulls up no problem... zips no problem....buttons no problem..not even tight pulling or anything...then the jacket. pull it on goes on.. no tightness on my arms, fits across the back...ok now to button it... IT BUTTONS...and the buttons don't pull apart!!!! OMG!!!! OMG!!! OMG!!!
I just stood there looking at myself in the mirror and it felt like it was a dream... the refection from the neck down didn't look like me...I just stood there...
I whipped around opened the dressing room door.. Yelled for my daughter...LIZZIE!!!! The girls come running around the corner...I say, "it's a 12, I fit into a 12..it's 12..." Her face said it all...and then she said, "you're so skinny mom" then I started doing a little victory dance and whispering, "i'm wearing a 12..." and then this lady comes out of the dressing room next to me laughing...
So just for the hell of it I tried on countless clothes...all 12's. All fit except one pair of capris that were too tight in my butt.
I didn't buy anything but 2 blouses, the skirt and the jacket.
Last summer, I had resolved myself to the fact that I was going to be fat and there was nothing I could do about it, so I might as well accept it.....now to fast forward a year and be where I am now, is unbelievable. I'm sorry this is so long....I still can't even believe it's real....
Ok so now you're all brought up to date with me...I've lost 42.5 lbs since Feb 23.
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