Apparently I have a broken heart.

KellyC · Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 1:43 pm Post subject: Apparently I have a broken heart.

It started Wednesday morning, feeling dizzy at weird times.. heart pounding.. when I checked pulse it was very irregular.. chest feels uncomfortable but not painful. Didn't go to doctor then because I'm not one of those wimps that goes every time they have the sniffles. In fact, besides the yearly gyno, I haven't seen a doctor for over 5 years, and that was only for a life insurance physical.

I felt the same today though, so I did see doctor.
They did 2 ekg's, checked everything.. and all they can tell me is that
1 - my blood pressure is surprisingly good considering my weight.
2 - my pulse is all over the place, it races at no particular time, and that irregular heartbeat is constant.
3 - my blood sugars are normal.
4 - I don't have a "palpable" thyroid, whatever the hell that means.

I have been visably shaking since yesterday.. and my emotions are right there.. I cried all through American Idol last night.. for the losers, for the ones through next round.. they all touched me.. I felt like an idiot. I must have cried no less than 6 times during my 2 hour exam.

They wanted to put me in hospital but I refused, I said if they want to monior my heartbeat, then they can lend me one of those doppler things and I'll wear it, but for now, I won't go into hospital unless it is absolutely necessary.

I don't have proper insurance only emergency travel insurance and whatever I'm covered for under Jeremy's insurance, and I don't want to pay $700 a night for a hospital stay. Canada has socialized healthcare, which is fantastic if you are a Canadian resident which I am not.

The doctors are trying to blame Medifast for this. I have blood tests tomorrow, hopefully we will know then and I can stay on plan.

Until tomorrow, I am supposed to RELAX.. a practice I am not good at at all. How can I relax knowing that my boss is pissed I am missing at least 2 days work.. jeremy and I are going through a really rough part of our relationship.. i have a sister in law that just miscarried and i feel like my jealousy of her pregnancy, the negative energies I directed at her caused her to miscarry.. i have a mom, dad, brother and sister that want nothing to do with me for years and even after reaching out and trying to apologize and mend things, they ignore me.. i have a grandmother in the hospice who cannot walk right now, and her loss of mobility is really really depressing her.. i am in the middle of immigration process.. and if i am turned down for whatever reason, jeremy and i have to come up with some sort of plan that does not include staying here in montreal, my home of 4 years! I have pulled away from my religion many years ago, but in the past 6 months or so, I have been reconsidering the whole God thing.. but to go back to church now it would be so trite.. like I am going only because I am facing these trials in my life.. how can God want to have anything to do with a person that only comes crawling back when there are problems to be fixed?

Relax they say.. Relax!?

KellyC · Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 1:47 pm Post subject:

oopes..I realized this probably should have gone in my journal.
if there is some sort of way to do that, admins, then feel free.. i apologize if it was inappropriate to start a thread here

queenielou · Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 2:05 pm Post subject:

Hey Kelly,

I'm sorry to hear that things are not going well for you. I'll only comment on the reaching out to God part - one of the wonderful almost unbelievable things about our relationships with God is that he is always there even when we don't feel deserving. One of Satan's most successful tools is to convince us that we aren't worthy of God's love and as such to keep us from turning to God. I hope you don't let the feelings that you're having about God not receiving you warmly because you have strayed away from him keep you from God. I'm writing this to you but also to me. We haven't done anything to deserve his awesome mercy but we also haven't done anything so terrible that he doesn't want us to be saved. He is there for waiting for you to return and will rejoice when you do. I know you will make it through this tough time.

Mike · Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 2:17 pm Post subject:

Kelly,

I am sorry that you have all of these things happening right now. Reading through all of the issues, I would say that you have am immense amount of stress in your life. Although your bp is good, that can actually cause other things to go haywire (like the pulse). Another issue may just be that you have an arhythmia.
I really doubt that Medifast caused this, as it has been studied for so long and found to not cause these types of health issues.... although the bllod tests should show better. I do know, that being on the 6-0 as you are alot, can cause some things which is why we want you under close doctorr supervision while doing the 6-0.

On the God thing, I think Queenie covered that. God is the comforter and the healer. He does not give us more than we can handle. So hang in there, and hopefully the Dr. will be able to explain what is going on.

On one other thing... with the miscarriage. Please know that there is nothing that you could have said, done, thought, etc that would have lead to your relative to lose her baby. Yes, we do want to blame ourselves when tragic things like that happen, but please know that it could not have been any fault of yours.

You remain in our prayers. If you need anything, feel free to call us.

Loribug · Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 7:25 pm Post subject:

your arrythmia could be due to a low potassium or magnesium which is possible with alot of water loss. Your lab test will tell.

good luck to you, try not to get too stressed.

MerryMary · Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 9:42 pm Post subject:

Kelly,
My heart goes out to you. You have such a heavy load to carry I can see why you are so stressed out. Who wouldn't be? I'm glad you can cry about it though ... tears do have a way of easing the pressure.

You ask a question about God that I'd like to respond to ...

rodeomom · Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 9:26 am Post subject:

God is God and as much as we want to put human charicteristics on Him He cannot be placed into that bottle. The Bible says that He and the angels in Heaven rejoice everytime a "sinner" comes home. Remember the story about the prodical (sp) son? He came home after he squandered his fortune, only after he had no other choice did he seek his father out and yet his father threw him a party like no other to welcome home. That is how God is with us. The best news is that God is forgettful. Once we come back to him and ask for forgiveness He not only forgives, but it says that He casts our sins into the deepest sea. AND ya know what? The Bible also says that there are no oceans in Heaven. Isn't that cool. If our confessed sins are in the ocean and there aren't any oceans Heaven then our sins must be a billion miles away. I know it is hard to understand how God can truely forget, but He can and He does.

Seek Him. He isn't far away, because He promised to never leave us. Find comfort in Him and let Him deal with all those issues you have burdoned yourself with. He wants to do that ya know.
Blessings.,

KellyC · Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 12:01 pm Post subject:

I appreciate all of your kind words and reassurances. I think I am going to seek out a pastor here for guidance.

I am going to put more in my journal instead of adding here. I apologize again for posting this in an inappropriate forum, I was quite distraught yesterday.

Big hugs to all of you, thank you again for being so kind.

Mike · Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 2:02 pm Post subject:

I think it was fine. Just hang in there Kelly.
Pastor is good...